In the introduction to this blog, I made the point that some posts will not apply equally to everyone. This is one of those instances. People's occupations and financial situations are widely varied. You may work a job where there is no such thing as "normal hours." You may work 12 hours at a time, be on call 24 hours a day, work non-standard shifts, or have a schedule that is completely inconsistent from one week to the next. You might have an important deadline to meet, or your finances may be such that you have little choice but to take any overtime you can get. You may also be under strict rules about when you can take a lunch break and for how long.
These are all understandable exceptions. The spirit behind this tip is not to encourage you to snub your employer, but rather to encourage a proper work-life balance and not use singleness as an excuse for workaholism. When you're alone, it can be tempting to spend more time at your work than is really necessary. It's lonely to come home to an empty house at the end of the day. Work might be where you feel most comfortable and most needed. It's where you are in your element and where there is enough to distract your mind from thinking about your situation. It helps occupy the hours of silence and, in effect, shortens the day so that you don't have to spend time with yourself as much.
But that's also where the trap lies. One of the most important aspects of coping with the single life that goes on forever is to become comfortable being with yourself. It is also important to free up enough time to spend with friends and to find other things to enjoy besides your work. We only get 24 hours in a day, so we must carefully guard how those hours are used. This applies not only the hours before and after work, but also the breaks we get during work. Resist the urge to eat your lunch at your desk. If feasible, disengage for a while. Allow your mind and body to rest for bit. If you get a full hour for lunch, use it. Take a walk around the block. Read a book. Engage your spirituality. Let your brain wander. It all helps keep things in balance.
In doing this, you may get a bonus. You may just find that you ultimately become more productive, doing more in less time, because your fatigue level has greatly diminished. You might even start living a more fulfilling, well-rounded life. That is what can happen when you are willing to challenge the hours of singleness head on by opening them up, rather than retreating from them by tying yourself to your workplace.
10/22/2011
Dealing with disappointment
In the satirical Cold War-era cartoon The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle (and Friends), there was a running gag where the Laurel and Hardy of evil spies, Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale, would endlessly plot the destruction of Western civilization, only to be stopped at every turn by the patriotic heroes whom the series was named after. Every so often, the diminutive dastard Boris would perk up with a new "plan" that would be sure to do in the "moose and squirrel" for good. His svelte partner-in-crime, Natasha, would retort with the reality check that every prior plan they had tried ended in utter disaster. The compact comrade would then respond to the hourglass-shaped beauty with the utmost assurance that this time would be different, because "this time it vill verk."
In the single life that lasts forever, you might experience a common theme. There can be a long spell of dryness, then suddenly something happens that gives you a boost of hope that maybe there will indeed be a light at the end of the tunnel, only to see that hope dashed to pieces not long afterwards. It can make you resentful in some ways, and after a while, you may start to feel like you're playing the part of that delusional dwarf from Pottsylvania. Each time you face another failure, another disappointment, it reaffirms your worst fears that no matter what you do, who you meet, or where you go, you will always get the same result. It won't be any different. There won't ever be a time when "it will work." Why bother stepping up to the plate when you're sure to strike out, fly out, ground out, line out, or foul out every time? Loneliness can become hopelessness, hopelessness can become bitterness, and bitterness can lead to a lifetime of unhappiness and discontentment. It's not a good place to be.
So, what do you do about it? Do you allow hope to spring eternal and thus set yourself up for broken heart after broken heart, or do you stop deceiving yourself and simply accept the fact that dying alone is your lot in life? It's a tough choice, isn't it? I'm not trying to be depressing, but it is a legitimate question that every chronically single person asks themselves at some point. And I can't offer you the right answer either, but what I can do is give you some tips on how to deal with the disappointment so that it doesn't gnaw at you and rob you of your joy in life.
First, don't think of yourself as a victim. When the seed of love dies before it blossoms, you may feel the urge to look inward and blame yourself for what happened. But what that does is add self-loathing on top of an already saddening situation. Not everything will work out right. That's just the way it is. 99.5% the people you meet will not be right for you. So, go back to tip #1 and remember the great person that you are. You know you're awesome. That's all that matters. If someone else doesn't recognize it, that's their problem. Hold your head up high and be proud of who you are.
Second, don't set time limits. One way to guarantee a swift journey to hopelessness is to set up completely arbitrary deadlines about when you're supposed to have a partner, be married, have kids, or whatever. Who says you have to do so and so by such and such an age or year? It's your life. You make your own schedule, and you can change that schedule whenever you like. Don't bow to the pressure of others. Now, admittedly, this is easier said than done, particularly for women who have a faster biological clock than men do. But your priorities will always be in motion, as will your personality and your perspective. You can't measure life in the future with the same ruler as life in the present or the past. Look at where you are now. Take each day at a time, as a source of new opportunities. Don't create added stress for yourself by making up pointless timelines that only exist in your head.
Third and last, hope for the best and prepare for the worst. This may sound like I'm repeating myself from before, and I am, but there is a slight difference in attitude. You still keep the hope alive, because you don't want to miss a great opportunity if it comes your way. At the same time, though, you stay aware that there is the chance you could end up finding nobody. That may sound terrible, and I'm not saying that it is inevitable, but you still have to prepare for the possibility. The key, though, is that you don't spend your life staring doomsday in the face. You don't give yourself any false impressions either. Realize either outcome is likely and just take life as it comes.
If you remain in a constant state of despair about how you can't find anybody, you probably won't, because then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. But if you keep in mind that you are in control and not the victim, that time is what you choose to make it, and that hope can still remain grounded in the reality of your circumstances, it will help weather the storms of strife and disappointment that are sure to come your way many times before the end finally comes, one way or another.
In the single life that lasts forever, you might experience a common theme. There can be a long spell of dryness, then suddenly something happens that gives you a boost of hope that maybe there will indeed be a light at the end of the tunnel, only to see that hope dashed to pieces not long afterwards. It can make you resentful in some ways, and after a while, you may start to feel like you're playing the part of that delusional dwarf from Pottsylvania. Each time you face another failure, another disappointment, it reaffirms your worst fears that no matter what you do, who you meet, or where you go, you will always get the same result. It won't be any different. There won't ever be a time when "it will work." Why bother stepping up to the plate when you're sure to strike out, fly out, ground out, line out, or foul out every time? Loneliness can become hopelessness, hopelessness can become bitterness, and bitterness can lead to a lifetime of unhappiness and discontentment. It's not a good place to be.
So, what do you do about it? Do you allow hope to spring eternal and thus set yourself up for broken heart after broken heart, or do you stop deceiving yourself and simply accept the fact that dying alone is your lot in life? It's a tough choice, isn't it? I'm not trying to be depressing, but it is a legitimate question that every chronically single person asks themselves at some point. And I can't offer you the right answer either, but what I can do is give you some tips on how to deal with the disappointment so that it doesn't gnaw at you and rob you of your joy in life.
First, don't think of yourself as a victim. When the seed of love dies before it blossoms, you may feel the urge to look inward and blame yourself for what happened. But what that does is add self-loathing on top of an already saddening situation. Not everything will work out right. That's just the way it is. 99.5% the people you meet will not be right for you. So, go back to tip #1 and remember the great person that you are. You know you're awesome. That's all that matters. If someone else doesn't recognize it, that's their problem. Hold your head up high and be proud of who you are.
Second, don't set time limits. One way to guarantee a swift journey to hopelessness is to set up completely arbitrary deadlines about when you're supposed to have a partner, be married, have kids, or whatever. Who says you have to do so and so by such and such an age or year? It's your life. You make your own schedule, and you can change that schedule whenever you like. Don't bow to the pressure of others. Now, admittedly, this is easier said than done, particularly for women who have a faster biological clock than men do. But your priorities will always be in motion, as will your personality and your perspective. You can't measure life in the future with the same ruler as life in the present or the past. Look at where you are now. Take each day at a time, as a source of new opportunities. Don't create added stress for yourself by making up pointless timelines that only exist in your head.
Third and last, hope for the best and prepare for the worst. This may sound like I'm repeating myself from before, and I am, but there is a slight difference in attitude. You still keep the hope alive, because you don't want to miss a great opportunity if it comes your way. At the same time, though, you stay aware that there is the chance you could end up finding nobody. That may sound terrible, and I'm not saying that it is inevitable, but you still have to prepare for the possibility. The key, though, is that you don't spend your life staring doomsday in the face. You don't give yourself any false impressions either. Realize either outcome is likely and just take life as it comes.
If you remain in a constant state of despair about how you can't find anybody, you probably won't, because then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. But if you keep in mind that you are in control and not the victim, that time is what you choose to make it, and that hope can still remain grounded in the reality of your circumstances, it will help weather the storms of strife and disappointment that are sure to come your way many times before the end finally comes, one way or another.
10/07/2011
Tip #15: Be kind to kids
As I mentioned in my last post, marriage and parenthood are often lumped together in the same category. They really shouldn't be; they are entirely different things. There are many many married couples who have no children either because they can't have them or don't want to have them. There are also many many parents who have children and are not married or even in relationships. In fact, this is (unfortunately so) becoming the norm today. We are far from the traditional days of first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. But whether or not they see kids in their future, single people would do best to learn to be kind to kids.
Yes, kids may be cute and naive, but they can also be slobbery, annoying, obnoxious, temperamental, selfish, ungrateful, and precocious. It takes a tremendous amount of patience to deal with them, and for some, you really have to go out on a limb to even tolerate them, never mind be kind to them. However, that also happens to be the relational skill single people can learn from dealing with kids because — you see — in reality, kids are more or less powerless against adults. Sure, they may have a big attitude, but in most cases, they are smaller, weaker, and underinformed. That gives you a tremendous advantage. Choosing not exercise your power, and choosing to be kind instead, is a lesson in restraint and response that will serve well in a relationship. And you never know how many potential mates there may be around you silently observing how you interact with children. Those who want kids of their own some day are going to take note of your behavior and will likely weigh that factor when deciding whether to put you on the "yes," "maybe," or "no" list.
Before closing this entry, I must deal with one issue which can be disturbing, yet I feel needs to be addressed. Make no mistake, there is a stigma attached to singleness, and it sometimes rears itself in ugly ways. One such way in which this comes out is in singles' — particularly single men's — interactions with children. You may feel a silent distrust brewing around you — suspicion that kindness towards a child has some insidious ulterior motive. There are good reasons for this suspicion, because there are way too many sick people in this world. Even though there have been many a case where a married person was shown to be just as sick as a single person, my observation is that the single people tend to get the brunt of the distrust. If you feel this happening, respect it and disengage immediately. The fact that you have nothing but pure intentions is irrelevant at that point. You don't want to fuel any kind of suspicions, even if they are unwarranted. Just move on to where people feel more at ease. There will always be other opportunities to practice kindness towards the little ones.
Yes, kids may be cute and naive, but they can also be slobbery, annoying, obnoxious, temperamental, selfish, ungrateful, and precocious. It takes a tremendous amount of patience to deal with them, and for some, you really have to go out on a limb to even tolerate them, never mind be kind to them. However, that also happens to be the relational skill single people can learn from dealing with kids because — you see — in reality, kids are more or less powerless against adults. Sure, they may have a big attitude, but in most cases, they are smaller, weaker, and underinformed. That gives you a tremendous advantage. Choosing not exercise your power, and choosing to be kind instead, is a lesson in restraint and response that will serve well in a relationship. And you never know how many potential mates there may be around you silently observing how you interact with children. Those who want kids of their own some day are going to take note of your behavior and will likely weigh that factor when deciding whether to put you on the "yes," "maybe," or "no" list.
Before closing this entry, I must deal with one issue which can be disturbing, yet I feel needs to be addressed. Make no mistake, there is a stigma attached to singleness, and it sometimes rears itself in ugly ways. One such way in which this comes out is in singles' — particularly single men's — interactions with children. You may feel a silent distrust brewing around you — suspicion that kindness towards a child has some insidious ulterior motive. There are good reasons for this suspicion, because there are way too many sick people in this world. Even though there have been many a case where a married person was shown to be just as sick as a single person, my observation is that the single people tend to get the brunt of the distrust. If you feel this happening, respect it and disengage immediately. The fact that you have nothing but pure intentions is irrelevant at that point. You don't want to fuel any kind of suspicions, even if they are unwarranted. Just move on to where people feel more at ease. There will always be other opportunities to practice kindness towards the little ones.
9/26/2011
Tip #14: Listen to marriage programs
My clock radio has had a permanent place at my bedside for almost twenty years. It still works fine even after enduring many hard slaps on its two-inch-long, nine-minute (why is it always nine?) snooze button. But it has one of those really annoying high-pitched alarms, so I set it to turn the radio on instead when I need to get up. The station that wakes me in the morning is a talk radio station because, frankly, I've found that a talking voice is much less jarring to wake up to than Katy Perry. It also happens that the program running on this station when the radio turns on is usually about marriage or parenthood. The parenthood talks I generally ignore, but occasionally I'll lie in bed a little longer to listen to some of the marriage talks. This blog post is about why single adults should listen to marriage programs.
Whaaat?! So, maybe you were able to agree with, if not accept, the suggestions of hanging out with couples, attending weddings, and listening to love songs. But listening to marriage programs? Why the heck would you want to do that? Wouldn't it be more informative and interesting to listen to programs on how to set up a colony on Mars? At least that actually might happen in your lifetime.
Okay, now that we've got the cynicism out of the way, let's take a look at this. What good is it to listen to programs telling you how to have a good marriage when you're far from matrimony? Well, it's like any kind of skill. If I'm going to play a sport, I have to become familiar with it first. I have to understand the rules, taking training, and watch how it is done by professionals (or at least people much better at it than me). Knowledge alone won't enable me to play the sport well, but it provides a foundation that I can lean on and apply once I start playing the sport. Of course, I expect to learn much more as I am playing, and undoubtedly will find out that there are some things that work for others which won't necessarily work for me. Same thing with a career — you don't learn everything you need to in college, but you learn basic skills that can help when you start out, and there are some fundamentals you continue to go back to long after you've settled into your profession. Such as it is with marriage programs. You won't be able to apply the knowledge immediately, but at least it will be there to call upon if and when your situation changes and should not be dismissed out of hand.
Now, to address a common objection, I'll admit that it does seem to be a trait of many marriage programs to have an affiliation with a particular religion. That never really bothered me. The way I see it, when it's just you and the radio, nobody is putting any kind of pressure on you to accept any kind of doctrine, and it is possible to pick out the good points irregardless of the faith statement. Even so, I know that some people still get terribly offended by anything that mentions religion, and it isn't something they can overcome. To those, I say keep looking until you find a program that educates listeners on how to maintain a solid relationship (married or not) without the religious part. It will serve the same purpose, arming you with knowledge, preparing you just in case it does happen — maybe while you're on the flight to Mars to start a new colony.
Whaaat?! So, maybe you were able to agree with, if not accept, the suggestions of hanging out with couples, attending weddings, and listening to love songs. But listening to marriage programs? Why the heck would you want to do that? Wouldn't it be more informative and interesting to listen to programs on how to set up a colony on Mars? At least that actually might happen in your lifetime.
Okay, now that we've got the cynicism out of the way, let's take a look at this. What good is it to listen to programs telling you how to have a good marriage when you're far from matrimony? Well, it's like any kind of skill. If I'm going to play a sport, I have to become familiar with it first. I have to understand the rules, taking training, and watch how it is done by professionals (or at least people much better at it than me). Knowledge alone won't enable me to play the sport well, but it provides a foundation that I can lean on and apply once I start playing the sport. Of course, I expect to learn much more as I am playing, and undoubtedly will find out that there are some things that work for others which won't necessarily work for me. Same thing with a career — you don't learn everything you need to in college, but you learn basic skills that can help when you start out, and there are some fundamentals you continue to go back to long after you've settled into your profession. Such as it is with marriage programs. You won't be able to apply the knowledge immediately, but at least it will be there to call upon if and when your situation changes and should not be dismissed out of hand.
Now, to address a common objection, I'll admit that it does seem to be a trait of many marriage programs to have an affiliation with a particular religion. That never really bothered me. The way I see it, when it's just you and the radio, nobody is putting any kind of pressure on you to accept any kind of doctrine, and it is possible to pick out the good points irregardless of the faith statement. Even so, I know that some people still get terribly offended by anything that mentions religion, and it isn't something they can overcome. To those, I say keep looking until you find a program that educates listeners on how to maintain a solid relationship (married or not) without the religious part. It will serve the same purpose, arming you with knowledge, preparing you just in case it does happen — maybe while you're on the flight to Mars to start a new colony.
9/01/2011
Tip #13: Listen to love songs (not breakup songs)
One of my favorite singers is Kelly Clarkson. I've followed her musical career from the day she took the American Idol Season One crown. I own all of her albums (including the stinker) and even attended one of her concerts. Her genre is somewhere between bluesy pop and hard rock. She has written lots of different songs, but what she's best known for are angry breakup songs where she rips some poor guy to shreds for breaking her heart after she fell hard and fast for him and trusted him with all her love. Or sometimes she dumped him because he cheated on her, is too immature, doesn't understand her, threatens her sanity/emotional health, or because the relationship is so darn perfect that she feels the need to end it before she screws him up. (Oh, Kelly, dahling, what a delicious time a psychiatrist would have with y'all.)
When you're in the midst of a very long spell of singleness, it can be very tempting to listen to breakup songs on an infinite loop, particularly if the last relationship you had ended in utter disaster (and not a beautiful disaster either). Perhaps it's because the vitriol emanating out of those lyrics feed our desire to justify why we are single. It's like those songs are telling us "See, I was right. Being in love sucks. All it does is end in heartbreak. Guys/girls are cruel. They only want what's good for them, not me. I'm so glad I don't have a crappy relationship like that. Yeah! Uh-huh! That's right! Sing it, girl!!"
I'll admit, some of the breakup music you hear on the radio is pretty good: catchy tune, poetic words, and raw emotion. The only problem is it doesn't help you come to peace with your single life; it just adds to the bitterness. Yes, right after a split, you may need to go through some of those feelings just to get them out of your system, but before long, you're going to want to start looking for hope again. That is, unless you really are sworn to staying single the rest of your life, which usually isn't the case even though you may say it at the time. Assuming you do want to get back in the ring, though, it's important to clear your mind of negative thoughts towards relationships. So, instead of listening to songs that lament bad decisions, listen to songs that laud good feelings. In other words, listen to love songs, not breakup songs.
I can see you rolling your eyes. "Oh, come on!" you protest. "Those songs are so mushy and stupid! Nobody can be that much in love!" You're absolutely right. After all, these musicians are ultimately trying to generate millions of dollars in album sales and mp3 downloads so they can, you know, "feed their families." Their songs talk about the fantasy of love, not the reality. But they're not supposed to talk about reality. It's art. Art may imitate life but it doesn't duplicate life. The artistic goal of music is to stir emotion, and that's what this whole exercise is about — finding those emotions that make you want to believe in love.
An argument could be made that love doesn't really exist and that it is all just a bunch of chemical reactions, but then again, all emotion could be classified as chemical reactions, including negative emotions. You can choose to either feed the negative or feed the positive. Feeding the positive is generally more healthy. I'm not saying you have to swoon or cry or fashion some imaginary world where you are 24/7 with the love of your life. No, don't do that, because you'll quickly become disappointed. But maintain a positive outlook on the future. Don't give into the nastiness. Listen to love songs.
And play your music loud if you can do it without being inconsiderate (see blog post on that). Enjoy that freedom while you can, before you're living with someone else that might complain about keeping the volume down.
When you're in the midst of a very long spell of singleness, it can be very tempting to listen to breakup songs on an infinite loop, particularly if the last relationship you had ended in utter disaster (and not a beautiful disaster either). Perhaps it's because the vitriol emanating out of those lyrics feed our desire to justify why we are single. It's like those songs are telling us "See, I was right. Being in love sucks. All it does is end in heartbreak. Guys/girls are cruel. They only want what's good for them, not me. I'm so glad I don't have a crappy relationship like that. Yeah! Uh-huh! That's right! Sing it, girl!!"
I'll admit, some of the breakup music you hear on the radio is pretty good: catchy tune, poetic words, and raw emotion. The only problem is it doesn't help you come to peace with your single life; it just adds to the bitterness. Yes, right after a split, you may need to go through some of those feelings just to get them out of your system, but before long, you're going to want to start looking for hope again. That is, unless you really are sworn to staying single the rest of your life, which usually isn't the case even though you may say it at the time. Assuming you do want to get back in the ring, though, it's important to clear your mind of negative thoughts towards relationships. So, instead of listening to songs that lament bad decisions, listen to songs that laud good feelings. In other words, listen to love songs, not breakup songs.
I can see you rolling your eyes. "Oh, come on!" you protest. "Those songs are so mushy and stupid! Nobody can be that much in love!" You're absolutely right. After all, these musicians are ultimately trying to generate millions of dollars in album sales and mp3 downloads so they can, you know, "feed their families." Their songs talk about the fantasy of love, not the reality. But they're not supposed to talk about reality. It's art. Art may imitate life but it doesn't duplicate life. The artistic goal of music is to stir emotion, and that's what this whole exercise is about — finding those emotions that make you want to believe in love.
An argument could be made that love doesn't really exist and that it is all just a bunch of chemical reactions, but then again, all emotion could be classified as chemical reactions, including negative emotions. You can choose to either feed the negative or feed the positive. Feeding the positive is generally more healthy. I'm not saying you have to swoon or cry or fashion some imaginary world where you are 24/7 with the love of your life. No, don't do that, because you'll quickly become disappointed. But maintain a positive outlook on the future. Don't give into the nastiness. Listen to love songs.
And play your music loud if you can do it without being inconsiderate (see blog post on that). Enjoy that freedom while you can, before you're living with someone else that might complain about keeping the volume down.
8/23/2011
Tip #12: Hang out with couples
The third wheel. That's what they call it when a guy or gal tags along with a couple — a double date minus a half. It's supposed to be an unflattering term, implicitly saying "hey, buddy, why don't you get your own date instead of being an appendage onto someone else's?" But what if you don't have that obligatory date? It can sure make you feel like an unwanted intruder at times, and adds to a stigma that is already difficult to overcome. Who likes being branded as a third wheel? It's like being called a third eye, a third leg, a third arm, a third ear, or if you are a man, a third you-know-what. It suggests deformity and abnormality. A third anything upsets the symmetry and balance that our sensibilities often crave, so how can hanging out with couples be something that helps you cope with the single life that goes on forever?
First, it's educational to observe what successful couples say or do to each other, and just as important, what they don't say or do to each other. Singles often struggle with the ideal of what a romantic relationship should be like versus what it actually is. This goes for both those who have been in past relationships and those who haven't. Seeing how real couples interact can help dispel those myths and set proper expectations.
Second, there is the overall aspect of friendship. The more diverse our friendships are, the more diverse our communication becomes, and that includes communicating with couples who have a different mindset than singles. I won't go into any more detail on this as it is already covered in my Tip #5: Diversify your relationship portfolio.
Third — and this is something I have only heard from others — it's good for the couple. They too are looking for variety, and having an occasional third come along helps break the monotony. Even the tightest of couples can't spend every waking hour of every day alone with each other. They often like having somebody else to talk to and share life with when they go out on non-dates. It's good for them, it's good for you, it's a win-win.
Except for one little complication — when you develop an attraction to one of them. It doesn't always happen. It's the rare exception rather than the norm. But it can happen, it does happen, and if it happens there are three possible responses: one is good, one is bad, and one is just plain ugly.
(Before I continue, I must first fully disclose that I am discussing a hypothetical situation and I am not personally experiencing these feelings among any of my coupled friends, so don't freak out, guys.)
First, the ugly: Division. You try to break them up. Yes, some people do resort to this. And yes, once in a blue moon, it turns out all right because everyone finds out who they truly belong with. But just because there are a tiny handful of successful cases, it doesn't make it any less sleazy or disgusting to do it. It makes a great movie plot, but it's terrible for relationships. Few things are worse than having someone you deeply trust steal something you deeply treasure. And if you believe that what goes around comes around, you are setting yourself up (rightly so) for the same thing to happen to you, with the pain magnified a thousand times. I'd never do such a deplorable thing and have no sympathy for those who do, but in the end, everyone has to live with their own conscience.
Next, the bad: Withdrawal. You decide you can't possibly be around them anymore because you can't control your romantic feelings and you rationalize that everyone would be more at peace if you just weren't there. In a few cases, that may be the only plausible course of action, but there's no escaping the fact that you're going to end up hurting somebody other than yourself. The couple will soon notice or realize that you don't want to spend the time you once did with them and inevitably ask the question why. Then you have a dilemma. If you tell them the truth, the bank account of trust you built with them will be wiped clean. Though not as bad as blowing up the bank, as would happen with the previous response, it essentially zeroes out your balance as quickly as a wrong spin on Wheel of Fortune. On the other hand, if you lie to them, they'll forever wonder what the hell happened and what they might have done to drive you away. If division is aggressive destruction, withdrawal is passive destruction.
Finally, the good. Acceptance. Though often the hardest response, it is the right one if you want to maintain the friendship. After all, people can be "just friends" without being romantically linked. Face it: this person, this object of your affection, loves somebody else more than you. It's the way it is; deal with it. Appreciate the other positive aspects of the friendship. Enjoy the freedom from romantic entanglements. Platonic relationships can be the best kind of relationships. There are no assumptions and no expectations. Take comfort in that, because whether or not you ever find romance, you still will have those friendships to fall back on, be it one person or two.
First, it's educational to observe what successful couples say or do to each other, and just as important, what they don't say or do to each other. Singles often struggle with the ideal of what a romantic relationship should be like versus what it actually is. This goes for both those who have been in past relationships and those who haven't. Seeing how real couples interact can help dispel those myths and set proper expectations.
Second, there is the overall aspect of friendship. The more diverse our friendships are, the more diverse our communication becomes, and that includes communicating with couples who have a different mindset than singles. I won't go into any more detail on this as it is already covered in my Tip #5: Diversify your relationship portfolio.
Third — and this is something I have only heard from others — it's good for the couple. They too are looking for variety, and having an occasional third come along helps break the monotony. Even the tightest of couples can't spend every waking hour of every day alone with each other. They often like having somebody else to talk to and share life with when they go out on non-dates. It's good for them, it's good for you, it's a win-win.
Except for one little complication — when you develop an attraction to one of them. It doesn't always happen. It's the rare exception rather than the norm. But it can happen, it does happen, and if it happens there are three possible responses: one is good, one is bad, and one is just plain ugly.
(Before I continue, I must first fully disclose that I am discussing a hypothetical situation and I am not personally experiencing these feelings among any of my coupled friends, so don't freak out, guys.)
First, the ugly: Division. You try to break them up. Yes, some people do resort to this. And yes, once in a blue moon, it turns out all right because everyone finds out who they truly belong with. But just because there are a tiny handful of successful cases, it doesn't make it any less sleazy or disgusting to do it. It makes a great movie plot, but it's terrible for relationships. Few things are worse than having someone you deeply trust steal something you deeply treasure. And if you believe that what goes around comes around, you are setting yourself up (rightly so) for the same thing to happen to you, with the pain magnified a thousand times. I'd never do such a deplorable thing and have no sympathy for those who do, but in the end, everyone has to live with their own conscience.
Next, the bad: Withdrawal. You decide you can't possibly be around them anymore because you can't control your romantic feelings and you rationalize that everyone would be more at peace if you just weren't there. In a few cases, that may be the only plausible course of action, but there's no escaping the fact that you're going to end up hurting somebody other than yourself. The couple will soon notice or realize that you don't want to spend the time you once did with them and inevitably ask the question why. Then you have a dilemma. If you tell them the truth, the bank account of trust you built with them will be wiped clean. Though not as bad as blowing up the bank, as would happen with the previous response, it essentially zeroes out your balance as quickly as a wrong spin on Wheel of Fortune. On the other hand, if you lie to them, they'll forever wonder what the hell happened and what they might have done to drive you away. If division is aggressive destruction, withdrawal is passive destruction.
Finally, the good. Acceptance. Though often the hardest response, it is the right one if you want to maintain the friendship. After all, people can be "just friends" without being romantically linked. Face it: this person, this object of your affection, loves somebody else more than you. It's the way it is; deal with it. Appreciate the other positive aspects of the friendship. Enjoy the freedom from romantic entanglements. Platonic relationships can be the best kind of relationships. There are no assumptions and no expectations. Take comfort in that, because whether or not you ever find romance, you still will have those friendships to fall back on, be it one person or two.
8/04/2011
Tip #11: Attend weddings
Ah, weddings. They have a mystique that's all their own. Songs are sung about them. Compositions, books, films, poems, and plays are written about them. There's even a whole slew of reality TV shows about them. It's enough to make you sick, really. For those who are not in any kind of committed relationship, going to a wedding can feel like going back to a high school graduation as an adult. Unless close friends or family are involved, all the pomp and circumstance, the warm hugs, the cozy feelings, the gifts, the excitement about starting a new chapter in life can seem a bit distant. Even if you had the experience of graduating high school, you're aware that there is simply no way you can truly share in the joy of those teenage kids and their peers. They are at a different station in life. You've already moved on past that, and it can never be recaptured.
With weddings and unmarried singles, it's more or less the inverse. The couple is at a different station in life that the single person hasn't yet reached and cannot identify with. For divorced singles, a wedding can be a painful reminder of mistakes gone by, and for widowed singles, it can be a painful reminder of what no longer exists. They often come in waves too. The wedding season can hang above you like a rainbow that is in plain sight but can't be grasped in your hands. Indeed, unless you happen to be in the wedding party as a groomsman, bridesmaid, or whatever, there can be a temptation to just skip it. I don't blame you. After all, why would you want to subject yourself to an environment where you will just walk away feeling empty?
Because, if you don't go, you will feel even emptier.
If you've been invited to a wedding, make every effort to go. Don't dwell on the fact that it seems foreign, and don't feel bad if you don't have someone to go with. The joy of a wedding stands well enough on its own. Remember that not everyone gets invited to a wedding, so the fact that the couple reached out to you specifically shows that they value you as a person and want you to share in their happiness. (At least that's the attitude you should have, even if you possess inside knowledge about other reasons why they are inviting you.) Don't go with the single intention of fulfilling an obligation or "meeting someone." Go to honor the couple. Go for the sake of marriage itself. Marriage is a dying institution in some respects, but there is still something about a wedding that provides a ray of hope when two people commit their lives to each other. At least that's what it is supposed to be. I know that there are all kinds of complicated scenarios where a wedding can be more of curse than a blessing. Maybe those kinds of weddings are better to avoid, but in that case it should be for external reasons beyond your own selfish desire to boycott weddings because you're bitter about not seeing marriage on your own horizon. Consider for a moment that life isn't always about you.
I could end this post right there, but I feel the need to expand upon one particular type of complication that may be in play when deciding whether to attend a wedding. What if you happened to have — let us say — a "history" with one or both of the people getting married? The history may be real or it may be imagined. Should you still go? Of course. And why should you if it will only magnify the pain you might already feel? Because for the human psyche, closure is key. If the history is imagined (for example, unrequited love) the wedding should give you a final reality check that the person is not into you, period. If the history is real (for example, a former relationship) there's something to be said about the fact that you were still invited. You may have been invited out of sympathy or you may have been invited out of spite, but either way, seeing with your own eyes that this is the end should help put it to rest. You can't hold on to old wounds forever. You need to put the past behind you and move forward, because otherwise it will constantly be a hindrance in your own quest to find someone that will put you on the wedding stage rather than in the wedding audience.
With weddings and unmarried singles, it's more or less the inverse. The couple is at a different station in life that the single person hasn't yet reached and cannot identify with. For divorced singles, a wedding can be a painful reminder of mistakes gone by, and for widowed singles, it can be a painful reminder of what no longer exists. They often come in waves too. The wedding season can hang above you like a rainbow that is in plain sight but can't be grasped in your hands. Indeed, unless you happen to be in the wedding party as a groomsman, bridesmaid, or whatever, there can be a temptation to just skip it. I don't blame you. After all, why would you want to subject yourself to an environment where you will just walk away feeling empty?
Because, if you don't go, you will feel even emptier.
If you've been invited to a wedding, make every effort to go. Don't dwell on the fact that it seems foreign, and don't feel bad if you don't have someone to go with. The joy of a wedding stands well enough on its own. Remember that not everyone gets invited to a wedding, so the fact that the couple reached out to you specifically shows that they value you as a person and want you to share in their happiness. (At least that's the attitude you should have, even if you possess inside knowledge about other reasons why they are inviting you.) Don't go with the single intention of fulfilling an obligation or "meeting someone." Go to honor the couple. Go for the sake of marriage itself. Marriage is a dying institution in some respects, but there is still something about a wedding that provides a ray of hope when two people commit their lives to each other. At least that's what it is supposed to be. I know that there are all kinds of complicated scenarios where a wedding can be more of curse than a blessing. Maybe those kinds of weddings are better to avoid, but in that case it should be for external reasons beyond your own selfish desire to boycott weddings because you're bitter about not seeing marriage on your own horizon. Consider for a moment that life isn't always about you.
I could end this post right there, but I feel the need to expand upon one particular type of complication that may be in play when deciding whether to attend a wedding. What if you happened to have — let us say — a "history" with one or both of the people getting married? The history may be real or it may be imagined. Should you still go? Of course. And why should you if it will only magnify the pain you might already feel? Because for the human psyche, closure is key. If the history is imagined (for example, unrequited love) the wedding should give you a final reality check that the person is not into you, period. If the history is real (for example, a former relationship) there's something to be said about the fact that you were still invited. You may have been invited out of sympathy or you may have been invited out of spite, but either way, seeing with your own eyes that this is the end should help put it to rest. You can't hold on to old wounds forever. You need to put the past behind you and move forward, because otherwise it will constantly be a hindrance in your own quest to find someone that will put you on the wedding stage rather than in the wedding audience.
7/10/2011
How to stay above the fray
When you're single, and non-single people know it, they feel like they should try to help. When you're single for a long time, they feel compelled to help a little more. And when you're single for a very long time, they start to get desperate for you. They remind you of it constantly, not to scold you, but to reassure you that they know the problem and they are working on it. They swear up and down that they will find someone for you or do something for you to lift you up out of this supposed state of misery that you must be in. They'll promise to set you up with someone that's a friend of a relative of someone they know. They'll pray, they'll encourage, they'll give you a pep talk proclaiming that your agony won't last and that the man or woman you are looking for is just around the corner, outside the door, or waiting at the place where you are going.
It can become annoying for sure, and you may be tempted to just scream at them "Leave me alone already!" But don't. Understand where they are coming from. They found someone, and they are of the conviction that if you could find someone too, you'd be happy. They want to involve themselves in your situation, not because you asked, but because they love you enough to want to work with you. You may not — and probably do not — need their help, but if it gives them a sense of purpose to take on your "plight", then why not let them do it? Be open to offers of assistance, but have realistic expectations. Know that they most likely won't follow through, but don't discourage them from trying anyway. Who knows? They may surprise you and actually discover something. It may not be something you want, but you are still in charge and have the right of first refusal. Although the road to hell is paved with good intentions, in the bigger picture, it's still better to have friends on your side that care than strangers that don't.
It can become annoying for sure, and you may be tempted to just scream at them "Leave me alone already!" But don't. Understand where they are coming from. They found someone, and they are of the conviction that if you could find someone too, you'd be happy. They want to involve themselves in your situation, not because you asked, but because they love you enough to want to work with you. You may not — and probably do not — need their help, but if it gives them a sense of purpose to take on your "plight", then why not let them do it? Be open to offers of assistance, but have realistic expectations. Know that they most likely won't follow through, but don't discourage them from trying anyway. Who knows? They may surprise you and actually discover something. It may not be something you want, but you are still in charge and have the right of first refusal. Although the road to hell is paved with good intentions, in the bigger picture, it's still better to have friends on your side that care than strangers that don't.
5/25/2011
Tip #10: Take care of your body
My last two posts were about eating and nutrition, but that is only part of the equation of achieving overall wellness. Yes, I am a Kaiser customer, but this is not a plug for Kaiser. Wellness is something we should always have in mind, without a massive HMO corporation reminding us every day in two languages.
It's important to keep yourself healthy and fit. Well, duh, but what does that have to do with coping with the single life that lasts forever? A lot, actually. Keeping yourself in good physical condition not only helps you feel good about yourself, but also makes an impression on others. It gives you a vibrancy for life and encouragement to continue onward. Neglect of physical health often leads to neglect of emotional health, which leads to a miserable life that is compounded when you think about how alone you are. And self-loathing is a prescription for remaining single the rest of your life.
So, eat well, and find time to exercise in a manner that is comfortable for you. If you have a gym membership, use it, and not because you think that's where you'll find hot chicks or chiseled studs. I don't doubt the possibility that you may get on a treadmill, strike up a conversation with an attractive woman or man next to you, and see that lead to something. But the more likely scenario is that the person next to you will get off their treadmill five minutes after you get on yours. Or, the conversation will be pre-empted when that person's boyfriend or girlfriend stops by the treadmill to say hi. Or, the person will be too involved with an iPod to notice you are there. So, don't go with the goal of meeting someone; go with the goal of improving your self-image.
A healthy body and a healthy spirit are essential for surviving the single years. You can't depend on finding someone else to give that to you. You have to find it for yourself, and then you can be the one sharing it with others.
It's important to keep yourself healthy and fit. Well, duh, but what does that have to do with coping with the single life that lasts forever? A lot, actually. Keeping yourself in good physical condition not only helps you feel good about yourself, but also makes an impression on others. It gives you a vibrancy for life and encouragement to continue onward. Neglect of physical health often leads to neglect of emotional health, which leads to a miserable life that is compounded when you think about how alone you are. And self-loathing is a prescription for remaining single the rest of your life.
So, eat well, and find time to exercise in a manner that is comfortable for you. If you have a gym membership, use it, and not because you think that's where you'll find hot chicks or chiseled studs. I don't doubt the possibility that you may get on a treadmill, strike up a conversation with an attractive woman or man next to you, and see that lead to something. But the more likely scenario is that the person next to you will get off their treadmill five minutes after you get on yours. Or, the conversation will be pre-empted when that person's boyfriend or girlfriend stops by the treadmill to say hi. Or, the person will be too involved with an iPod to notice you are there. So, don't go with the goal of meeting someone; go with the goal of improving your self-image.
A healthy body and a healthy spirit are essential for surviving the single years. You can't depend on finding someone else to give that to you. You have to find it for yourself, and then you can be the one sharing it with others.
5/04/2011
Tip #9: Dine out once a week
Have you been inspired to cook up a storm since my last blog entry? If so, you're probably sick of it by now since I posted that tip almost a month ago. So, I'll give you a break and say: good job on the cooking, now start dining out.
But not all the time. That will only put you back to where you were before Tip #8. I'm talking about occasional dining out. One time a week approximately, maybe two, but absolutely no more than three. Even if you can afford to eat out more frequently, stick to the plan of preparing most of your own meals at home. On the other end, even if you aren't rolling in cash, do try to set aside at least one meal a week where you leave the confines of your house or apartment and go out. And when I say eat out, I'm talking dinner — not the breakfast burrito you grab on the way to work or the turkey club you swipe from the office cafeteria on your lunch break. I mean a real meal, at a restaurant, where you order off a menu and get served. It doesn't have to be a pricey meal, but it should be something that has more of an experience besides just paying and eating.
Does that sound dreadful? Going to a restaurant, by yourself, when every other table is "party of two", "party of three", "party of six", etc? It can be discouraging and intimidating for sure. Humans bond over food. Just about every romantic comedy ever produced has the obligatory diner/café scene. There are few other venues where being single can feel so awful. You can't hide in a dark room, sit two seats away from other patrons to disguise the fact that you don't have a date, or melt in with a crowd of fans united in their adoration of their favorite team, band, or whatnot. No, in an eating establishment, it's just you, the table, and the plate. People do notice that you are there by yourself — they may not care, but they definitely do notice. So why would you want to subject yourself to such humiliation? Why not just pop in, order takeout, and head on home to catch up on your Netflix queue?
Because it is important to be comfortable with being alone. If you had someone in your life, wouldn't you want to go out for dinner every so often? I suspect so. And why? Yes, there's the joy of having the company, but there are a lot of other things you could do with that company too. Why dine out? Because it's not just the company, it's the pleasure of food. It's the intimate setting where you get to know each other better. It's the moment of peaceful calm when you're not busy making a meal or cleaning dishes while the TV or radio is on. These are all good things, so why must having a date be a prerequisite to experiencing the enjoyment? You can still appreciate a well-cooked meal and time of relaxation on your own, and the moments alone with your thoughts when you're not involved in busy-ness can be just as satisfying as it would be if there was someone else there. That's because you're starting to love yourself more, yes?
But what if you're not in the mood to listen to your own thoughts? Well, that's fine. Sometimes I don't feel like talking to someone, either, even when I'm with them. The difference, though, is that when you are by yourself, you can politely take up other diversions. Read a magazine or book. Watch the game on the screen above the bar. Listen to the jazz band. Surf the Web on your phone. You can do all this, and it's perfectly acceptable, unlike when you have someone there at the table with you. Try it when you're on a date and you'll be considered extremely rude. In fact, I'd bet that many single people have had that very situation at one time or another where they are out with someone that has suddenly turned into a colossal bore, yet are stuck listening to that person because it wouldn't be proper etiquette to turn their attention elsewhere.
You don't have to worry about that when you've ordered a table for one, so learn to like those moments too.
But not all the time. That will only put you back to where you were before Tip #8. I'm talking about occasional dining out. One time a week approximately, maybe two, but absolutely no more than three. Even if you can afford to eat out more frequently, stick to the plan of preparing most of your own meals at home. On the other end, even if you aren't rolling in cash, do try to set aside at least one meal a week where you leave the confines of your house or apartment and go out. And when I say eat out, I'm talking dinner — not the breakfast burrito you grab on the way to work or the turkey club you swipe from the office cafeteria on your lunch break. I mean a real meal, at a restaurant, where you order off a menu and get served. It doesn't have to be a pricey meal, but it should be something that has more of an experience besides just paying and eating.
Does that sound dreadful? Going to a restaurant, by yourself, when every other table is "party of two", "party of three", "party of six", etc? It can be discouraging and intimidating for sure. Humans bond over food. Just about every romantic comedy ever produced has the obligatory diner/café scene. There are few other venues where being single can feel so awful. You can't hide in a dark room, sit two seats away from other patrons to disguise the fact that you don't have a date, or melt in with a crowd of fans united in their adoration of their favorite team, band, or whatnot. No, in an eating establishment, it's just you, the table, and the plate. People do notice that you are there by yourself — they may not care, but they definitely do notice. So why would you want to subject yourself to such humiliation? Why not just pop in, order takeout, and head on home to catch up on your Netflix queue?
Because it is important to be comfortable with being alone. If you had someone in your life, wouldn't you want to go out for dinner every so often? I suspect so. And why? Yes, there's the joy of having the company, but there are a lot of other things you could do with that company too. Why dine out? Because it's not just the company, it's the pleasure of food. It's the intimate setting where you get to know each other better. It's the moment of peaceful calm when you're not busy making a meal or cleaning dishes while the TV or radio is on. These are all good things, so why must having a date be a prerequisite to experiencing the enjoyment? You can still appreciate a well-cooked meal and time of relaxation on your own, and the moments alone with your thoughts when you're not involved in busy-ness can be just as satisfying as it would be if there was someone else there. That's because you're starting to love yourself more, yes?
But what if you're not in the mood to listen to your own thoughts? Well, that's fine. Sometimes I don't feel like talking to someone, either, even when I'm with them. The difference, though, is that when you are by yourself, you can politely take up other diversions. Read a magazine or book. Watch the game on the screen above the bar. Listen to the jazz band. Surf the Web on your phone. You can do all this, and it's perfectly acceptable, unlike when you have someone there at the table with you. Try it when you're on a date and you'll be considered extremely rude. In fact, I'd bet that many single people have had that very situation at one time or another where they are out with someone that has suddenly turned into a colossal bore, yet are stuck listening to that person because it wouldn't be proper etiquette to turn their attention elsewhere.
You don't have to worry about that when you've ordered a table for one, so learn to like those moments too.
4/10/2011
Tip #8: Learn to cook for yourself
I intentionally separate this tip out from the last one on hobbies. Sure, cooking, baking, what have you can be a hobby, but I'm not talking here about the two dozen gingersnaps you made for your friend's birthday party. I'm talking about the mundane kind of cooking, the kind you do for yourself everyday to — you know — eat.
It may sound strange. I mean, of course you have to eat, and of course you have to make food yourself when you're single (and sometimes even when you're not). But why cook for yourself? Why bother with following a recipe and trying to churn out some special edible meal when, in the end, you're just going to sit in front of the television and scarf it down with no one else to share the food with, no one to appreciate the meal, and no one to help clean up afterward? Isn't it enough to just put on some soup, or spaghetti, or a frozen pizza, or a Swanson TV dinner, or a grilled cheese sandwich, or just give up altogether and get something from the Chinese take-out place?
No, it isn't. Convenience foods are notoriously high in fat and/or sodium which can both lead to high blood pressure and a host of other health issues. When you cook your own food, you can generally be more careful of exactly what you are putting into your body. You can even adjust the ingredients as needed to suit your tastes instead of being stuck with whatever someone else put into whatever you're eating. Ultimately, you can strive for a more balanced diet, custom made with your own likes and dislikes. That's the really cool thing about being a single cook: you can truly make it your way without worrying about others. If you like a sprinkle of curry on everything, go ahead and do it. If salty foods turn you off, bland it up. Nobody's going to complain. It also gives you more freedom to experiment with new foods that you haven't tried, or new ways of preparing foods, since you wouldn't be making it if you didn't intend to eat it. And if the result is a disaster that even you can't stomach, you can toss it in the trash without hurting anybody's feelings.
"But it's so tiresome to get out the recipe book after I've been working all day. I just want to eat something quick and go to bed." Oh, whine, whine. If you can't find enough recipes that take 30 minutes or less to prepare, you need to find yourself another resource. Take some time on your day off to go to a bookstore — a real one, with shelves, quiet music, and comfy chairs where you can see and feel the book you're going to buy. Pick up a pile of recipe books and scan through them. Ignore the pictures; it's virtually a guarantee that what you make will look nothing like the photo, and you may even want to save both your money and your self-confidence by getting a book with no pictures at all. Instead, pay attention to how long it takes to prepare most of the meals in the book, increasing the time by about 50%, especially if it assumes ingredients that have already been chopped, minced, sliced, peeled, cored, seeded, etc. Look at the lists of ingredients to see if they include items you already have in your house or can be easily obtained. Look at the portion sizes and calculate downwards to estimate how much you actually need to buy and use for a single serving — unless you're okay with eating the same thing four nights in a row (I'm not). Believe or not, there are recipe books out there which specialize in small serving meals (my personal favorites is Going Solo in the Kitchen by Jane Doerfer). It's easier than you might think to find a cookbook that fits your taste buds, schedule, and lifestyle all at once.
Cooking is a good skill to have, not just in the single life that lasts forever, but even if you're dating. It can add a personal touch to a relationship, a way of sharing something truly special. After all, you made it with your own hands to be consumed exclusively by you and the person you made it for. It rarely gets more intimate than that.
To the guys: Learning this skill is not limited only to women, despite the sexist cliché about the way to a man's heart being through his stomach. There seems to be this ridiculous misconception in society that men are too neanderthal to know how to cook a decent meal, in spite of the fact that most of the world's top chefs are male. I don't know the source of this myth; my theory is that it's some kind of feminist power ploy to convince men that they would starve to death if they didn't have women to cook for them. Regardless, don't fall for the lie. Teaching yourself to cook is easy. Some women have told me that a man who can cook is sexy, but I have yet to see any evidence of that, so don't bank on it. Do it for your own health and self-esteem and the right to give a snarky reply to any woman who expresses amazement that you actually don't need a female to cook for you.
It may sound strange. I mean, of course you have to eat, and of course you have to make food yourself when you're single (and sometimes even when you're not). But why cook for yourself? Why bother with following a recipe and trying to churn out some special edible meal when, in the end, you're just going to sit in front of the television and scarf it down with no one else to share the food with, no one to appreciate the meal, and no one to help clean up afterward? Isn't it enough to just put on some soup, or spaghetti, or a frozen pizza, or a Swanson TV dinner, or a grilled cheese sandwich, or just give up altogether and get something from the Chinese take-out place?
No, it isn't. Convenience foods are notoriously high in fat and/or sodium which can both lead to high blood pressure and a host of other health issues. When you cook your own food, you can generally be more careful of exactly what you are putting into your body. You can even adjust the ingredients as needed to suit your tastes instead of being stuck with whatever someone else put into whatever you're eating. Ultimately, you can strive for a more balanced diet, custom made with your own likes and dislikes. That's the really cool thing about being a single cook: you can truly make it your way without worrying about others. If you like a sprinkle of curry on everything, go ahead and do it. If salty foods turn you off, bland it up. Nobody's going to complain. It also gives you more freedom to experiment with new foods that you haven't tried, or new ways of preparing foods, since you wouldn't be making it if you didn't intend to eat it. And if the result is a disaster that even you can't stomach, you can toss it in the trash without hurting anybody's feelings.
"But it's so tiresome to get out the recipe book after I've been working all day. I just want to eat something quick and go to bed." Oh, whine, whine. If you can't find enough recipes that take 30 minutes or less to prepare, you need to find yourself another resource. Take some time on your day off to go to a bookstore — a real one, with shelves, quiet music, and comfy chairs where you can see and feel the book you're going to buy. Pick up a pile of recipe books and scan through them. Ignore the pictures; it's virtually a guarantee that what you make will look nothing like the photo, and you may even want to save both your money and your self-confidence by getting a book with no pictures at all. Instead, pay attention to how long it takes to prepare most of the meals in the book, increasing the time by about 50%, especially if it assumes ingredients that have already been chopped, minced, sliced, peeled, cored, seeded, etc. Look at the lists of ingredients to see if they include items you already have in your house or can be easily obtained. Look at the portion sizes and calculate downwards to estimate how much you actually need to buy and use for a single serving — unless you're okay with eating the same thing four nights in a row (I'm not). Believe or not, there are recipe books out there which specialize in small serving meals (my personal favorites is Going Solo in the Kitchen by Jane Doerfer). It's easier than you might think to find a cookbook that fits your taste buds, schedule, and lifestyle all at once.
Cooking is a good skill to have, not just in the single life that lasts forever, but even if you're dating. It can add a personal touch to a relationship, a way of sharing something truly special. After all, you made it with your own hands to be consumed exclusively by you and the person you made it for. It rarely gets more intimate than that.
To the guys: Learning this skill is not limited only to women, despite the sexist cliché about the way to a man's heart being through his stomach. There seems to be this ridiculous misconception in society that men are too neanderthal to know how to cook a decent meal, in spite of the fact that most of the world's top chefs are male. I don't know the source of this myth; my theory is that it's some kind of feminist power ploy to convince men that they would starve to death if they didn't have women to cook for them. Regardless, don't fall for the lie. Teaching yourself to cook is easy. Some women have told me that a man who can cook is sexy, but I have yet to see any evidence of that, so don't bank on it. Do it for your own health and self-esteem and the right to give a snarky reply to any woman who expresses amazement that you actually don't need a female to cook for you.
3/07/2011
Tip #7: Take up a hobby (or two)
This time of singleness may be the only time you have to do that thing you've wanted to do all your life, so find some kind of skill or trade or useful activity to fill up the hours you have left after mandatory obligations. It should be something fun, something different, something challenging, and ideally something share-worthy.
Something fun: We all have enough in our life that isn't fun. We do it because we have to make a living, pay the bills, or meet commitments that were made years ago. But a life without balance is pretty miserable. Drudgery is a killer of passion and enthusiasm, and denying your inner child that longing for fun drains the joy out of living. So, find a hobby that can be exciting as well as fulfilling. When I was in college, I majored in computer science. That was going to be my bread-winning profession, and indeed it wins a fair amount of bread. I also minored in drama. I had no illusions or desire of becoming a world famous actor; it was purely for fun. After I began my regular career, I continued acting in community theatre for some time. There was no pay, no fame, no accolades — just fun. And I loved doing it, until it got stale, which led me to...
Something different: Different means something that isn't the same. Well, duh? Why do I need to read a blog to tell me that? But think about what "not the same" means in your life. Carrying on from the previous point, you may be one of those people who actually has fun at work. You love your job and couldn't think of doing anything else. That's great! I'm not suggesting you look for another job just for the sake of doing something different, but consider diversifying your interests. Do you love your career so much that it continues to take over your life even after your day is done? Do you spend your off-hours reading the trades or books? Going to the parties? Listening to the lectures? There's a place for that, but consuming yourself entirely with career-related activities outside of work will turn you into a frighteningly one-dimensional individual. Find something else for a hobby that has nothing to do with what you get paid to do. If you can't think of anything, take some classes at your local community center or college to discover if there is something else you might like to do. For me, I found a new love of writing that was a part of me all my life, but I never really had the chance to fully explore, and might not have had the freedom to explore so early in life if I had a wife and kids to take care of.
Something challenging: Mastery is a process over a long period of time. It takes a while to get good at doing something, and once we do get good at something, there is a temptation to continue doing only that thing, so we can get really good at it. Indeed, some would say that mastery can never fully be achieved because you're always learning, but even though we may never become a master of something, there is certainly a level of expertise that we can achieve with enough practice. So, work at a hobby until you become an expert, then start focusing time on a new hobby where you are still a novice. If your old hobby still interests you, you should continue working on it until you achieve mastery, but meanwhile, you are diversifying once again. It will keep your mind active and form you into a more interesting and complex person with a wider range of skills and facets. It may also expand your field of potential mates, but once again, remember that's not the goal. So, if you find yourself drawn to crochet, don't hold yourself back simply because everyone you know who crochets is over 70. (Note to crocheters: Yes, I know and I've met some pretty hot young women who crochet. It's an example, okay? Don't get all knotted up by it.)
Something share-worthy: By this I mean, a hobby that can be shared with the world around you. The primary reason people take up hobbies are for personal enjoyment. That's fine, but what is even more noble is something where you can share your enjoyment with others. You can take up as many hobbies as you have time for, and most of us can think of several things we enjoy doing. I would suggest making time for one hobby that's for yourself and one where your appreciation can be shared with other people. Some examples of the latter: exhibiting artwork, playing music, performing stories, reading to kids, donating finished pieces (knitwork, pottery, mechanical work, carpentry, etc.), and even blogging. The list can go on, but you get the idea. Find ways to transform your interests into the enrichment of lives.
The time to pursue your personal passions is now, while you still have the time to do it, before you get involved with family matters. But even if it turns out that you never find a spouse or start a family, that won't stop you from living a full life if you are constantly on the lookout for something fun, something different, something challenging, and something share-worthy.
Something fun: We all have enough in our life that isn't fun. We do it because we have to make a living, pay the bills, or meet commitments that were made years ago. But a life without balance is pretty miserable. Drudgery is a killer of passion and enthusiasm, and denying your inner child that longing for fun drains the joy out of living. So, find a hobby that can be exciting as well as fulfilling. When I was in college, I majored in computer science. That was going to be my bread-winning profession, and indeed it wins a fair amount of bread. I also minored in drama. I had no illusions or desire of becoming a world famous actor; it was purely for fun. After I began my regular career, I continued acting in community theatre for some time. There was no pay, no fame, no accolades — just fun. And I loved doing it, until it got stale, which led me to...
Something different: Different means something that isn't the same. Well, duh? Why do I need to read a blog to tell me that? But think about what "not the same" means in your life. Carrying on from the previous point, you may be one of those people who actually has fun at work. You love your job and couldn't think of doing anything else. That's great! I'm not suggesting you look for another job just for the sake of doing something different, but consider diversifying your interests. Do you love your career so much that it continues to take over your life even after your day is done? Do you spend your off-hours reading the trades or books? Going to the parties? Listening to the lectures? There's a place for that, but consuming yourself entirely with career-related activities outside of work will turn you into a frighteningly one-dimensional individual. Find something else for a hobby that has nothing to do with what you get paid to do. If you can't think of anything, take some classes at your local community center or college to discover if there is something else you might like to do. For me, I found a new love of writing that was a part of me all my life, but I never really had the chance to fully explore, and might not have had the freedom to explore so early in life if I had a wife and kids to take care of.
Something challenging: Mastery is a process over a long period of time. It takes a while to get good at doing something, and once we do get good at something, there is a temptation to continue doing only that thing, so we can get really good at it. Indeed, some would say that mastery can never fully be achieved because you're always learning, but even though we may never become a master of something, there is certainly a level of expertise that we can achieve with enough practice. So, work at a hobby until you become an expert, then start focusing time on a new hobby where you are still a novice. If your old hobby still interests you, you should continue working on it until you achieve mastery, but meanwhile, you are diversifying once again. It will keep your mind active and form you into a more interesting and complex person with a wider range of skills and facets. It may also expand your field of potential mates, but once again, remember that's not the goal. So, if you find yourself drawn to crochet, don't hold yourself back simply because everyone you know who crochets is over 70. (Note to crocheters: Yes, I know and I've met some pretty hot young women who crochet. It's an example, okay? Don't get all knotted up by it.)
Something share-worthy: By this I mean, a hobby that can be shared with the world around you. The primary reason people take up hobbies are for personal enjoyment. That's fine, but what is even more noble is something where you can share your enjoyment with others. You can take up as many hobbies as you have time for, and most of us can think of several things we enjoy doing. I would suggest making time for one hobby that's for yourself and one where your appreciation can be shared with other people. Some examples of the latter: exhibiting artwork, playing music, performing stories, reading to kids, donating finished pieces (knitwork, pottery, mechanical work, carpentry, etc.), and even blogging. The list can go on, but you get the idea. Find ways to transform your interests into the enrichment of lives.
The time to pursue your personal passions is now, while you still have the time to do it, before you get involved with family matters. But even if it turns out that you never find a spouse or start a family, that won't stop you from living a full life if you are constantly on the lookout for something fun, something different, something challenging, and something share-worthy.
2/19/2011
Tip #6: Get involved in your community
As a single person, you have something a lot of couples don't have: time.
"WHAT?!!" you cry. "Dude, do you have any idea what my schedule is like?"
Dude, you have the same number of hours in a day as everybody else; it's just a matter of how you choose to spend them. What sets the singles apart is that it really is up to them (and them alone) how to spend the time. They don't have the same demands coming from an outside source — you know, like when a night's plans get shot because your girlfriend or boyfriend insists that your time belongs to her or him for support, company, assistance, whatever. Sure, there are some things that consume our time that can't be reallocated, such as work, eating, exercise, errands, chores, sleeping, and so on. But under most circumstances, there are going to be at least a few hours in the week left over which is up to you to fill however you wish.
You could spend that time engaged in diversionary entertainment like watching television, playing video games, reading, listening to music, perusing the Internet, and other things that please yourself and only yourself. After all, it's your time, it's your prerogative how to consume it. But you could alternatively use that time to enrich the lives of others. Volunteer at a home or shelter. Become a tutor or mentor. Serve at your place of worship. Join a neighborhood board. Start a grass roots campaign. In short, become involved in the world around you. This all goes back to the idea of connecting yourself with greater humanity and giving back to the community. Unlike others, you can put in that extra hour or two each night, grab dinner on the go, and fill every last minute between pillow times. You have control over your time, and you can pick up the slack of others that have family or coupling obligations.
Will this interfere with your ability to eventually meet someone special? Perhaps. Or it could help it, because you may just find another person like you who is spending the extra time for a cause she or he feels close to. But whether that happens or not doesn't matter, because you're not doing it to meet people, remember? You're doing it because it's something you love, and because it is part of your mission in life to improve other people's lives during the moment when you have the fewest constraints on your time.
"WHAT?!!" you cry. "Dude, do you have any idea what my schedule is like?"
Dude, you have the same number of hours in a day as everybody else; it's just a matter of how you choose to spend them. What sets the singles apart is that it really is up to them (and them alone) how to spend the time. They don't have the same demands coming from an outside source — you know, like when a night's plans get shot because your girlfriend or boyfriend insists that your time belongs to her or him for support, company, assistance, whatever. Sure, there are some things that consume our time that can't be reallocated, such as work, eating, exercise, errands, chores, sleeping, and so on. But under most circumstances, there are going to be at least a few hours in the week left over which is up to you to fill however you wish.
You could spend that time engaged in diversionary entertainment like watching television, playing video games, reading, listening to music, perusing the Internet, and other things that please yourself and only yourself. After all, it's your time, it's your prerogative how to consume it. But you could alternatively use that time to enrich the lives of others. Volunteer at a home or shelter. Become a tutor or mentor. Serve at your place of worship. Join a neighborhood board. Start a grass roots campaign. In short, become involved in the world around you. This all goes back to the idea of connecting yourself with greater humanity and giving back to the community. Unlike others, you can put in that extra hour or two each night, grab dinner on the go, and fill every last minute between pillow times. You have control over your time, and you can pick up the slack of others that have family or coupling obligations.
Will this interfere with your ability to eventually meet someone special? Perhaps. Or it could help it, because you may just find another person like you who is spending the extra time for a cause she or he feels close to. But whether that happens or not doesn't matter, because you're not doing it to meet people, remember? You're doing it because it's something you love, and because it is part of your mission in life to improve other people's lives during the moment when you have the fewest constraints on your time.
2/14/2011
Surviving V-day
Many of us have experienced that one unpopular holiday that should be joyful but isn't. It could be the birthday of a loved one who has passed on, a Thanksgiving or Christmas spent away from family, or a New Year's Eve that marks the end of an era. For some singles, the unpopular holiday is the 14th of February. According to a recent Rasmussen poll, one in five adults in the U.S. actually dreads St. Valentine's Day. It's understandable. After all, the day of hearts and roses may be beautiful to those who have someone to celebrate it with, but to those who don't, it can serve as a cruel reminder of a past relationship that went to #@%! or the unending absence of a relationship. So, how should the single person deal with this annoying little day without throwing up or drowning in sorrow?
One way is to simply ignore it, as I'm sure many have done (myself included), but that only avoids the issue. The day provides an invitation to celebrate, and I think it creates a missed opportunity if you simply pretend it's just another day on the calendar. But how can you celebrate alone when the holiday is specifically set up to encourage celebration between lovers? Should you go on a spending binge, treating yourself to personal Valentine's day gifts like flowers, candy, clothes, jewelery, or — as I heard on a radio advertisement the other day — hair cell therapy products (I kid you not)? Should you spend the day purging every last remnant of your ex: deleting his/her old emails and texts, tearing up his/her cards, and burning remaining pictures of him/her in the fire? Should you cuddle up in your favorite chair with a pint of Ben & Jerry's reading your favorite romance novel? Those are all possible ways to celebrate, but they are also wrong ways to celebrate. They just enhance or try to disguise the bitterness of solitude. The right thing to do on V-day is to go on a date with the person you love the most — that is, yourself.
That's right — yourself. Recall tip #1 for coping with a single life that goes on forever? Love yourself. Go on a date with yourself. Find a nice romantic spot where you can be alone with you. Tell yourself what it is about you that makes you love you. Speak aloud if it is feasible, or if not, bring a journal or notebook to write down your love letter to yourself. This isn't narcissism; it's positive reinforcement of why you are such a wonderful person and why you are able to handle being single for the time being — because you provide such great company for yourself. Talk about your good qualities and how you are the best person for you. It may sound a little strange, but it is an important exercise to help you practice loving yourself. Make it an annual tradition, so even if you never find a special person to love you, you'll still always have that date with the human being that loves you most.
One way is to simply ignore it, as I'm sure many have done (myself included), but that only avoids the issue. The day provides an invitation to celebrate, and I think it creates a missed opportunity if you simply pretend it's just another day on the calendar. But how can you celebrate alone when the holiday is specifically set up to encourage celebration between lovers? Should you go on a spending binge, treating yourself to personal Valentine's day gifts like flowers, candy, clothes, jewelery, or — as I heard on a radio advertisement the other day — hair cell therapy products (I kid you not)? Should you spend the day purging every last remnant of your ex: deleting his/her old emails and texts, tearing up his/her cards, and burning remaining pictures of him/her in the fire? Should you cuddle up in your favorite chair with a pint of Ben & Jerry's reading your favorite romance novel? Those are all possible ways to celebrate, but they are also wrong ways to celebrate. They just enhance or try to disguise the bitterness of solitude. The right thing to do on V-day is to go on a date with the person you love the most — that is, yourself.
That's right — yourself. Recall tip #1 for coping with a single life that goes on forever? Love yourself. Go on a date with yourself. Find a nice romantic spot where you can be alone with you. Tell yourself what it is about you that makes you love you. Speak aloud if it is feasible, or if not, bring a journal or notebook to write down your love letter to yourself. This isn't narcissism; it's positive reinforcement of why you are such a wonderful person and why you are able to handle being single for the time being — because you provide such great company for yourself. Talk about your good qualities and how you are the best person for you. It may sound a little strange, but it is an important exercise to help you practice loving yourself. Make it an annual tradition, so even if you never find a special person to love you, you'll still always have that date with the human being that loves you most.
2/11/2011
Tip #5: Diversify your relationship portfolio
Anyone that invests in securities knows that the first rule to achieving a strong financial portfolio is diversification. Spread out your investments over stocks, bonds, and commodities; growth, value, and equity; large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap; domestic and international. With a good balance, you can ride out any economy or market, good or bad, up or down.
What goes for mutual funds also goes for mutual friends. Don't always surround yourself with the same kinds of people. Diversify your relationships: young and old, male and female, gay and straight, single and coupled, liberal and conservative, rich and poor, short and tall. Get to know people of different ethnicities, different nationalities, and different religions. Appreciate the diversity of humankind. By doing so, you will learn to respect and relate to a wide variety of individuals. You don't have to agree with their beliefs or condone their lifestyle, but it is good to get a wide range of perspectives. The more you learn about others, the more you learn about yourself and what human beings are capable of.
Once again, the goal here is not to find that "special someone" although that certainly could happen. But even if it doesn't, you are expanding your knowledge of humanity, knowledge that can come in handy when life puts you in situations where you have to interact with people that are a lot different than you. A cosmopolitan outlook will make you much more approachable and easier to get along with, and that's something where you can't go wrong.
What goes for mutual funds also goes for mutual friends. Don't always surround yourself with the same kinds of people. Diversify your relationships: young and old, male and female, gay and straight, single and coupled, liberal and conservative, rich and poor, short and tall. Get to know people of different ethnicities, different nationalities, and different religions. Appreciate the diversity of humankind. By doing so, you will learn to respect and relate to a wide variety of individuals. You don't have to agree with their beliefs or condone their lifestyle, but it is good to get a wide range of perspectives. The more you learn about others, the more you learn about yourself and what human beings are capable of.
Once again, the goal here is not to find that "special someone" although that certainly could happen. But even if it doesn't, you are expanding your knowledge of humanity, knowledge that can come in handy when life puts you in situations where you have to interact with people that are a lot different than you. A cosmopolitan outlook will make you much more approachable and easier to get along with, and that's something where you can't go wrong.
2/05/2011
Tip #4: Be considerate (of everybody)
Yes, everybody, not just the hot girl or guy you're trying to impress. One of the very few drawbacks of being single is that you don't get as much experience doing things for the good of other people. It's easy to fall into the trap of focusing only on yourself, thinking you're the only one in the world who matters, and that life revolves around you. That kind of thinking may, in fact, be the reason why you are so miserable living the single life. "Why am I alone? Doesn't anyone see how great I am? What is their problem? I can give them so much." You're looking to someone else to fulfill your need to be affirmed, stroked, doted upon, and served. It's all about what can others do for me. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
Have you ever considered, even for a moment, that maybe you're not the only one who needs some TLC? There are lots of other people in this world, and they also need someone to make life a little more bearable for them. So, live by the "golden rule" to treat others as you would like to be treated. Clean up after yourself. Hold doors open. Help the mom lift the stroller onto the curb. Let in that car that noticed its exit at the last minute (without honking or flipping them off). Allow the guy with only three items to cut in front of you at the checkout stand. Pick up the DVD or dress that fell on the floor. Bring it to the lady's attention if something accidentally slips out of her purse or she leaves her umbrella or glasses behind. Thank the janitor that empties your office trash can. Turn down the stereo during normal sleeping hours (or abnormal ones if your neighbor has strange working hours). Warn that elevator texter when he's about to step off on the wrong floor. Offer the use of your height to the vertically challenged.
And, no, don't do this hoping that some girl or guy will see you and be so enraptured by your kindness that she or he will ask you out for a date right on the spot. Odds are that nobody will notice your good deeds other than the person you are helping, and sometimes even that person won't notice or appreciate it either. You're not doing it for them, you're doing it for yourself, which is sort of ironic considering that this exercise is supposed to be about not focusing on yourself all the time. But we're talking about self-awareness, which is good, as opposed to selfishness, which is bad. The practice of being considerate of others will keep you aware of the role you play in the connectivity of humanity. The sad truth is that, despite unprecedented opportunities to nurture relationships, we are becoming more and more isolated as a society, stuck in our own little world of technology. The treatment is to find ways to extend courtesy outwards. For the single person, it is also a way to sharpen your social skills and prepare for a life when it will become more important to cater to someone else's needs rather than your own. Even if that never happens, however, you will still be doing a service to those around you, providing purpose and meaning to your single life in the process.
Now, admittedly, it can sometimes be difficult to bring yourself to extend courtesy to someone who — quite frankly — doesn't deserve it. A part of us thinks that maybe if that texter is allowed to step off on the wrong floor, or if that car is allowed to miss its exit, maybe they will learn a lesson. The problem is, though, that such an attitude doesn't help strengthen the muscle of forgiveness, which is another important piece of a successful relationship. Realize that not everybody is as perfect as you are, and sometimes, people do things they shouldn't when they're not paying full attention like you. Of course, I say that sarcastically, because you know you too are prone to the occasional lapse in judgment, yet expect people to forgive you. So, don't always be so concerned about your own convenience. Pay others the same respect that you demand to be paid with.
Have you ever considered, even for a moment, that maybe you're not the only one who needs some TLC? There are lots of other people in this world, and they also need someone to make life a little more bearable for them. So, live by the "golden rule" to treat others as you would like to be treated. Clean up after yourself. Hold doors open. Help the mom lift the stroller onto the curb. Let in that car that noticed its exit at the last minute (without honking or flipping them off). Allow the guy with only three items to cut in front of you at the checkout stand. Pick up the DVD or dress that fell on the floor. Bring it to the lady's attention if something accidentally slips out of her purse or she leaves her umbrella or glasses behind. Thank the janitor that empties your office trash can. Turn down the stereo during normal sleeping hours (or abnormal ones if your neighbor has strange working hours). Warn that elevator texter when he's about to step off on the wrong floor. Offer the use of your height to the vertically challenged.
And, no, don't do this hoping that some girl or guy will see you and be so enraptured by your kindness that she or he will ask you out for a date right on the spot. Odds are that nobody will notice your good deeds other than the person you are helping, and sometimes even that person won't notice or appreciate it either. You're not doing it for them, you're doing it for yourself, which is sort of ironic considering that this exercise is supposed to be about not focusing on yourself all the time. But we're talking about self-awareness, which is good, as opposed to selfishness, which is bad. The practice of being considerate of others will keep you aware of the role you play in the connectivity of humanity. The sad truth is that, despite unprecedented opportunities to nurture relationships, we are becoming more and more isolated as a society, stuck in our own little world of technology. The treatment is to find ways to extend courtesy outwards. For the single person, it is also a way to sharpen your social skills and prepare for a life when it will become more important to cater to someone else's needs rather than your own. Even if that never happens, however, you will still be doing a service to those around you, providing purpose and meaning to your single life in the process.
Now, admittedly, it can sometimes be difficult to bring yourself to extend courtesy to someone who — quite frankly — doesn't deserve it. A part of us thinks that maybe if that texter is allowed to step off on the wrong floor, or if that car is allowed to miss its exit, maybe they will learn a lesson. The problem is, though, that such an attitude doesn't help strengthen the muscle of forgiveness, which is another important piece of a successful relationship. Realize that not everybody is as perfect as you are, and sometimes, people do things they shouldn't when they're not paying full attention like you. Of course, I say that sarcastically, because you know you too are prone to the occasional lapse in judgment, yet expect people to forgive you. So, don't always be so concerned about your own convenience. Pay others the same respect that you demand to be paid with.
2/02/2011
Tip #3: Foster a spontaneous spirit
spon·ta·ne·ous (adj) \spän-ˈtā-nē-əs\
1: proceeding from natural feeling or native tendency without external constraint
2: arising from a momentary impulse
3: controlled and directed internally : self-acting
In the online Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word spontaneous has six definitions. The first three are above, the last three all revolve around processes or events that happen in nature without human intervention (as in spontaneous combustion or spontaneous generation). I can't help but recognize the obvious connection between spontaneity and naturalness here.
Spontaneity is natural. When we're babies, we do things purely on instinct and impulse, but as we get older and take on more responsibility, that spontaneous spirit that we were born with starts fading away. We follow rules, create schedules, get jobs, bring more activities and people into our lives, and suddenly what was so natural at one time has become something we fear. We like our comfort zones. Deviating from the "plan" is burdensome and impractical. We have people who depend on us, tasks that must get done, places we must be. Decisions often involve more than one person. It's not always so easy to change your mind at the last minute to do something different just for the heck of it. Every action must have a purpose and requires consensus.
If there is one joy of singleness that outweighs all the others, it is that you don't need consensus to have a good time. You can change your plans at the drop of a hat. Let's say you're driving home after watching the air show on the weekend and decide to watch the sunset at the beach. Hang an immediate right and take the coast road. If, on the way back from the beach, you pass an Indian food restaurant and get a sudden craving after smelling that curry, go on in and grab it. If, after polishing off the last bit of kheer, you get the urge to sing, zip on over to the karaoke bar two blocks away. It's all up to you. There's no checking with the honey to see if she or he is in the mood, feeling well, likes the same food, or has to get up early the next morning. You have one and only one schedule to consult — yours.
I often hear married people lament about their single days when they had more freedom. So, if freedom is the thing that non-singles envy most, why not take the maximum advantage of it while you are still single? Find ways to tap into that spirit of spontaneity and fun. Try new activities that you've always wanted to try. Visit new places that you've never seen. Revel in the fact that you don't have to ask for permission or coordinate other schedules. Enjoy it now while you can, because if you ever do find that other person and build up a family, you may not have the same opportunity to just do something simply because you feel like doing it. Don't waste your limited time of freedom, holed up, sulking about how you don't have anyone to "share the experience" with. In truth, you may never get the chance to do some of these things once an "other" person is involved in the decision-making because they may not like it or have time for it.
Now, I realize that some single people, despite being single, may not have the luxury of being too spontaneous because of finances, job responsibilities, or family obligations like taking care of a child, parent, or pet. But one can still foster a spontaneous spirit, even if it has be done on a smaller scale. Call a college friend you haven't spoken to in years. Take your laptop out into the sunshine. Throw a mini-party for little Johnny with confetti, balloons, and a cake for just the two of you. Spend an afternoon with Grandma at the park instead of the living room. Take Fido for a run at the lake instead of the park. Plan your day with a pencil. Maintaining this attitude will help you deal with the drudgery that can set in when you're going through a long dry spell in the romance department. What's more, if that dry spell ever does end, a spirit of spontaneity can infuse life into a relationship and keep it continually fresh for a long time.
1: proceeding from natural feeling or native tendency without external constraint
2: arising from a momentary impulse
3: controlled and directed internally : self-acting
In the online Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word spontaneous has six definitions. The first three are above, the last three all revolve around processes or events that happen in nature without human intervention (as in spontaneous combustion or spontaneous generation). I can't help but recognize the obvious connection between spontaneity and naturalness here.
Spontaneity is natural. When we're babies, we do things purely on instinct and impulse, but as we get older and take on more responsibility, that spontaneous spirit that we were born with starts fading away. We follow rules, create schedules, get jobs, bring more activities and people into our lives, and suddenly what was so natural at one time has become something we fear. We like our comfort zones. Deviating from the "plan" is burdensome and impractical. We have people who depend on us, tasks that must get done, places we must be. Decisions often involve more than one person. It's not always so easy to change your mind at the last minute to do something different just for the heck of it. Every action must have a purpose and requires consensus.
If there is one joy of singleness that outweighs all the others, it is that you don't need consensus to have a good time. You can change your plans at the drop of a hat. Let's say you're driving home after watching the air show on the weekend and decide to watch the sunset at the beach. Hang an immediate right and take the coast road. If, on the way back from the beach, you pass an Indian food restaurant and get a sudden craving after smelling that curry, go on in and grab it. If, after polishing off the last bit of kheer, you get the urge to sing, zip on over to the karaoke bar two blocks away. It's all up to you. There's no checking with the honey to see if she or he is in the mood, feeling well, likes the same food, or has to get up early the next morning. You have one and only one schedule to consult — yours.
I often hear married people lament about their single days when they had more freedom. So, if freedom is the thing that non-singles envy most, why not take the maximum advantage of it while you are still single? Find ways to tap into that spirit of spontaneity and fun. Try new activities that you've always wanted to try. Visit new places that you've never seen. Revel in the fact that you don't have to ask for permission or coordinate other schedules. Enjoy it now while you can, because if you ever do find that other person and build up a family, you may not have the same opportunity to just do something simply because you feel like doing it. Don't waste your limited time of freedom, holed up, sulking about how you don't have anyone to "share the experience" with. In truth, you may never get the chance to do some of these things once an "other" person is involved in the decision-making because they may not like it or have time for it.
Now, I realize that some single people, despite being single, may not have the luxury of being too spontaneous because of finances, job responsibilities, or family obligations like taking care of a child, parent, or pet. But one can still foster a spontaneous spirit, even if it has be done on a smaller scale. Call a college friend you haven't spoken to in years. Take your laptop out into the sunshine. Throw a mini-party for little Johnny with confetti, balloons, and a cake for just the two of you. Spend an afternoon with Grandma at the park instead of the living room. Take Fido for a run at the lake instead of the park. Plan your day with a pencil. Maintaining this attitude will help you deal with the drudgery that can set in when you're going through a long dry spell in the romance department. What's more, if that dry spell ever does end, a spirit of spontaneity can infuse life into a relationship and keep it continually fresh for a long time.
1/29/2011
Tip #2: It's not about "meeting" people
In the introduction to this blog, I warned that I might say things that defy conventional wisdom. Well here's one example. The single life is not, as you might expect, all about meeting people.
You might think so, with all the hype you hear around you. Your friends and family are always asking if you've met someone yet (and offering to arrange a meeting if not). Subscription-based matchmaking services make billions of dollars every year providing creative and even scientific ways of getting people to meet each other. Hundreds of organizations put together singles events, often with a fee, to provide a forum for people to meet each other. Social networking sites rake in buckets of ad revenue, all surrounding people that are meeting each other. Bars and nightclubs around the world look forward to each weekend, knowing that lost singles are going to come by and pound drinks back until the wee hours of the morning, all driven by a desire to meet people. If you add it all up, the money behind the business of meeting is staggering.
"What's wrong with that?" you ask. "As a single, I want to meet someone so I don't have to be single anymore, damnit!" Yes, of course, and there's nothing inherently wrong with that. If the options in your daily life are limited, and you do eventually want to find that special someone, you will need to expand the pool and meet more people. But it's not about meeting people. Let me explain.
We all meet people everyday, but the differentiator we're talking about is whether a person we meet can be considered a romantic option. That is a very complicated formula which changes from moment to moment. Ever tried to aim at a moving target? Think about the last time you were trying to swat a fly or mosquito in mid-air. Frustrating, isn't it? It's the same thing when it comes to finding the right person at the right time. When you become preoccupied with finding the right setting to meet someone, it just adds to the frustration each time you come away having not met them.
The perspective you must take, then, is simply that you'll have a good time, whether or not you actually meet anyone. So, go ahead and attend that book club if you really do have a deep-seated interest in analyzing the soul of Emily Dickinson, or attend that mixed martial arts demonstration if you are truly interested in studying the finer arts of causing physical pain. But if you're going simply because you think you'll meet someone, and wouldn't be caught dead in the place otherwise, do yourself a favor and don't go. What if you show up and find that the club is composed entirely of women that look like your ex-girlfriend's grandmother, or that the MMA demonstration is attended by guys who look like your ex-boyfriend's scary half-brother? You'll sulk through that whole session, looking at your watch, wishing you had opted to spend your time on something much more pleasurable, like cleaning out the fish bowl. Even worse, what if you run into one of those women or men a month later at the grocery store and are asked why you never came back after that first meeting. Awk-ward.
There's another negative side effect of this compulsive need to meet — desperation. In a recent relationship article I read (yes, I do read them — call it research), the author, Dr. Gilda Carle, stated "The irony of love is that those who are not desperate for it find it readily. Those who are overly anxious for it can end up alone." A harsh statement, but generally true according to several of my married friends. It's very easy to become desperate when years go by with no results in the love department. But the focus should be on loving life, and doing the things you love, not finding the one to love. Does this low-key attitude guarantee that you will find love faster? Not at all. It is still a possibility that you will never meet the right person. However, at least you'll be doing things you enjoy, and if you just so happen to meet someone doing that same thing you enjoy...that's icing on the cake. Common interests are a good way to start a relationship.
You might think so, with all the hype you hear around you. Your friends and family are always asking if you've met someone yet (and offering to arrange a meeting if not). Subscription-based matchmaking services make billions of dollars every year providing creative and even scientific ways of getting people to meet each other. Hundreds of organizations put together singles events, often with a fee, to provide a forum for people to meet each other. Social networking sites rake in buckets of ad revenue, all surrounding people that are meeting each other. Bars and nightclubs around the world look forward to each weekend, knowing that lost singles are going to come by and pound drinks back until the wee hours of the morning, all driven by a desire to meet people. If you add it all up, the money behind the business of meeting is staggering.
"What's wrong with that?" you ask. "As a single, I want to meet someone so I don't have to be single anymore, damnit!" Yes, of course, and there's nothing inherently wrong with that. If the options in your daily life are limited, and you do eventually want to find that special someone, you will need to expand the pool and meet more people. But it's not about meeting people. Let me explain.
We all meet people everyday, but the differentiator we're talking about is whether a person we meet can be considered a romantic option. That is a very complicated formula which changes from moment to moment. Ever tried to aim at a moving target? Think about the last time you were trying to swat a fly or mosquito in mid-air. Frustrating, isn't it? It's the same thing when it comes to finding the right person at the right time. When you become preoccupied with finding the right setting to meet someone, it just adds to the frustration each time you come away having not met them.
The perspective you must take, then, is simply that you'll have a good time, whether or not you actually meet anyone. So, go ahead and attend that book club if you really do have a deep-seated interest in analyzing the soul of Emily Dickinson, or attend that mixed martial arts demonstration if you are truly interested in studying the finer arts of causing physical pain. But if you're going simply because you think you'll meet someone, and wouldn't be caught dead in the place otherwise, do yourself a favor and don't go. What if you show up and find that the club is composed entirely of women that look like your ex-girlfriend's grandmother, or that the MMA demonstration is attended by guys who look like your ex-boyfriend's scary half-brother? You'll sulk through that whole session, looking at your watch, wishing you had opted to spend your time on something much more pleasurable, like cleaning out the fish bowl. Even worse, what if you run into one of those women or men a month later at the grocery store and are asked why you never came back after that first meeting. Awk-ward.
There's another negative side effect of this compulsive need to meet — desperation. In a recent relationship article I read (yes, I do read them — call it research), the author, Dr. Gilda Carle, stated "The irony of love is that those who are not desperate for it find it readily. Those who are overly anxious for it can end up alone." A harsh statement, but generally true according to several of my married friends. It's very easy to become desperate when years go by with no results in the love department. But the focus should be on loving life, and doing the things you love, not finding the one to love. Does this low-key attitude guarantee that you will find love faster? Not at all. It is still a possibility that you will never meet the right person. However, at least you'll be doing things you enjoy, and if you just so happen to meet someone doing that same thing you enjoy...that's icing on the cake. Common interests are a good way to start a relationship.
1/26/2011
Tip #1: Love yourself
This is the first and most important step in coping with a single life that goes on forever. If you can't do this, none of what I say from this point forward is going to matter. As a single adult, you must learn to love yourself first, because the person you'll be spending most of your time with is the person you see in the mirror.
I don't mean that you don't have a social life. Indeed, you probably are — and definitely should be — whittling hours away with other folks. You might even live in a big city, have a roommate, carpool or use public transportation to get to your job, and work in teams so that "alone time" is quite rare. That's not what I'm talking about. You can feel lonely even in a crowd, even when engaged in conversation when the conversation is about surface topics like the weather, current events, work, sports, politics, and other things that allow you to stay comfortably behind your shield. A shield is not necessarily a bad thing. In some ways, we must have shields to protect ourselves from bad people who look to exploit the weak for their own selfish gain.
But that shield isn't who you are as a person, deep inside. We have our vulnerabilities, our shadows, our skeletons that we don't share publicly. A caring and supportive significant other can be instrumental in bringing your dark patches into the light and helping you work through those issues in ways you could never do on your own. Likewise you, as a caring and supportive partner, would (should) return the favor.
But what happens when you don't have a caring and supportive person to lean on? Well, in that case, you only have yourself. In fact, I would venture to say that self-love starts with yourself even if you do have a significant other, because human beings are flawed creatures, and no one human being can rely on another human being to completely fulfill their needs. This step to love oneself may be extraordinarily difficult for some people, especially those inclined to negative thinking. You may be your own worst critic. You know all the bad things that you did, thought, or said. You have dirt on yourself that would send you into a pit of shame and infamy if it ever came out into the open. You may hate yourself for all the mistakes and missed opportunities that have shaped your life for years. In extreme cases, your self-loathing may have snowballed to a point where you thought about doing harm to yourself.
That's the kind of thinking you must stop immediately! Focus on your strengths, not your weaknesses. Look at the positive aspects of you: talents you have that others don't have, qualities of your personality that make certain people like hanging around you instead of running for the hills, emotional gifts that you can and are willing to offer others. Stop dwelling on what was and concentrate on who you are now. If you can't even love yourself, what makes you think other people will want to love you?
I can hear someone laughing already, saying "Here we go. Another one of those 'positive-thinking' morons." In fact, that someone sounds an awful lot like me. No, I'm not saying "think positive." I'm saying "choose to like yourself." We can't control who likes us, but we can control who we like, and we can choose to like ourselves.
Personal note: I can't wrap up this entry without mentioning this at least once. I personally believe that no human being is born with the innate fortitude to completely love oneself. The power to do that, I believe, comes from beyond the physical realm. I believe it ultimately requires the assistance of a spiritual guide. I respect that many people don't believe that, and that they think they are perfectly capable of reaching this point of self-love completely on their own without any help. Maybe they can, but I never had that kind of strength in my own life. I needed help and still do today.
I don't mean that you don't have a social life. Indeed, you probably are — and definitely should be — whittling hours away with other folks. You might even live in a big city, have a roommate, carpool or use public transportation to get to your job, and work in teams so that "alone time" is quite rare. That's not what I'm talking about. You can feel lonely even in a crowd, even when engaged in conversation when the conversation is about surface topics like the weather, current events, work, sports, politics, and other things that allow you to stay comfortably behind your shield. A shield is not necessarily a bad thing. In some ways, we must have shields to protect ourselves from bad people who look to exploit the weak for their own selfish gain.
But that shield isn't who you are as a person, deep inside. We have our vulnerabilities, our shadows, our skeletons that we don't share publicly. A caring and supportive significant other can be instrumental in bringing your dark patches into the light and helping you work through those issues in ways you could never do on your own. Likewise you, as a caring and supportive partner, would (should) return the favor.
But what happens when you don't have a caring and supportive person to lean on? Well, in that case, you only have yourself. In fact, I would venture to say that self-love starts with yourself even if you do have a significant other, because human beings are flawed creatures, and no one human being can rely on another human being to completely fulfill their needs. This step to love oneself may be extraordinarily difficult for some people, especially those inclined to negative thinking. You may be your own worst critic. You know all the bad things that you did, thought, or said. You have dirt on yourself that would send you into a pit of shame and infamy if it ever came out into the open. You may hate yourself for all the mistakes and missed opportunities that have shaped your life for years. In extreme cases, your self-loathing may have snowballed to a point where you thought about doing harm to yourself.
That's the kind of thinking you must stop immediately! Focus on your strengths, not your weaknesses. Look at the positive aspects of you: talents you have that others don't have, qualities of your personality that make certain people like hanging around you instead of running for the hills, emotional gifts that you can and are willing to offer others. Stop dwelling on what was and concentrate on who you are now. If you can't even love yourself, what makes you think other people will want to love you?
I can hear someone laughing already, saying "Here we go. Another one of those 'positive-thinking' morons." In fact, that someone sounds an awful lot like me. No, I'm not saying "think positive." I'm saying "choose to like yourself." We can't control who likes us, but we can control who we like, and we can choose to like ourselves.
Personal note: I can't wrap up this entry without mentioning this at least once. I personally believe that no human being is born with the innate fortitude to completely love oneself. The power to do that, I believe, comes from beyond the physical realm. I believe it ultimately requires the assistance of a spiritual guide. I respect that many people don't believe that, and that they think they are perfectly capable of reaching this point of self-love completely on their own without any help. Maybe they can, but I never had that kind of strength in my own life. I needed help and still do today.
1/22/2011
"I'll never get married!"
You thought it, said it, and/or heard someone else say it at some point in life. Then you found your one true love and now you don't need to say it anymore. Mazeltov!
This blog is not for you.
But perhaps you're one of those people who still think it, say it, and hear other people say it.
It grates on you every time Mom asks, "Have you found anyone...special yet?" or your friends say, "Have you met somebody yet?" or your mentors say "Have you been getting out more lately?"
You're reminded of it with every wedding invitation you receive and every bachelor party or bridal shower you attend, from people substantially younger than you, from high school classmates on their second or third wedding before you've even had your first.
You graduated college with a goal of getting married before you were25 27 30 34 40 before you died. You haven't been too picky, you're not bad-looking, you're in good financial shape, but somehow your plans haven't shaped up the way you expected. There's no explanation, no reason, no one thing you can point to and say "If I fix this, it will all turn around." You've tried your hardest, but your efforts have only resulted in frustration and disappointment, failure after failure.
"I'll never get married!" you cry.
You have every right to be angry. Life isn't fair. Slowly but surely, the mounting pressure of time, the noise from those you love, and your inability to deliver are leading you down into the bottomless abyss of defeatism, hopelessness, despair, and bitterness. Slowly but surely.
If you're one of those people, then this blog IS for you.
How do you deal with a single life that goes on and on and on and on and on and on without shutting yourself into a cave of your own design? How do you keep the faith when you've been missing every shot, striking out every at bat, dropping every pass, shanking every kick? How do you avoid succumbing to what appears to be the inevitable conclusion that love is not for you? Good for others, but not you.
That's what this blog is for — strategies for coping with a single life that goes on forever. It isn't from a self-help book, a sex therapist, a matchmaking service, or a counselor that's been happily married for 50 years. It won't tell you how to make yourself more attractive or what you must do to find the love of your life. It's simply relating experiences that work in forming an attitude and perspective that will help you survive each day you go without a special someone in your life. It defies conventional wisdom in some places, affirms it in others. Some of these tips will be practical in your situation; some won't be. Only you know what you can apply and what you can't.
Full disclosure: I am a heterosexual male in his 30s who has never been in a serious romantic relationship, married or otherwise. Thus, my views will undoubtedly be biased by this background and may not exactly fit the psyche of those who fall out of these categories. However, at some level, we are all human beings dealing with the same emotions, so I hope that will provide enough common ground to make these posts relevant to many who struggle with the eternal single life.
This blog is not for you.
But perhaps you're one of those people who still think it, say it, and hear other people say it.
It grates on you every time Mom asks, "Have you found anyone...special yet?" or your friends say, "Have you met somebody yet?" or your mentors say "Have you been getting out more lately?"
You're reminded of it with every wedding invitation you receive and every bachelor party or bridal shower you attend, from people substantially younger than you, from high school classmates on their second or third wedding before you've even had your first.
You graduated college with a goal of getting married before you were
"I'll never get married!" you cry.
You have every right to be angry. Life isn't fair. Slowly but surely, the mounting pressure of time, the noise from those you love, and your inability to deliver are leading you down into the bottomless abyss of defeatism, hopelessness, despair, and bitterness. Slowly but surely.
If you're one of those people, then this blog IS for you.
How do you deal with a single life that goes on and on and on and on and on and on without shutting yourself into a cave of your own design? How do you keep the faith when you've been missing every shot, striking out every at bat, dropping every pass, shanking every kick? How do you avoid succumbing to what appears to be the inevitable conclusion that love is not for you? Good for others, but not you.
That's what this blog is for — strategies for coping with a single life that goes on forever. It isn't from a self-help book, a sex therapist, a matchmaking service, or a counselor that's been happily married for 50 years. It won't tell you how to make yourself more attractive or what you must do to find the love of your life. It's simply relating experiences that work in forming an attitude and perspective that will help you survive each day you go without a special someone in your life. It defies conventional wisdom in some places, affirms it in others. Some of these tips will be practical in your situation; some won't be. Only you know what you can apply and what you can't.
Full disclosure: I am a heterosexual male in his 30s who has never been in a serious romantic relationship, married or otherwise. Thus, my views will undoubtedly be biased by this background and may not exactly fit the psyche of those who fall out of these categories. However, at some level, we are all human beings dealing with the same emotions, so I hope that will provide enough common ground to make these posts relevant to many who struggle with the eternal single life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)