Tip #12: Hang out with couples

The third wheel. That's what they call it when a guy or gal tags along with a couple — a double date minus a half. It's supposed to be an unflattering term, implicitly saying "hey, buddy, why don't you get your own date instead of being an appendage onto someone else's?" But what if you don't have that obligatory date? It can sure make you feel like an unwanted intruder at times, and adds to a stigma that is already difficult to overcome. Who likes being branded as a third wheel? It's like being called a third eye, a third leg, a third arm, a third ear, or if you are a man, a third you-know-what. It suggests deformity and abnormality. A third anything upsets the symmetry and balance that our sensibilities often crave, so how can hanging out with couples be something that helps you cope with the single life that goes on forever?

First, it's educational to observe what successful couples say or do to each other, and just as important, what they don't say or do to each other. Singles often struggle with the ideal of what a romantic relationship should be like versus what it actually is. This goes for both those who have been in past relationships and those who haven't. Seeing how real couples interact can help dispel those myths and set proper expectations.

Second, there is the overall aspect of friendship. The more diverse our friendships are, the more diverse our communication becomes, and that includes communicating with couples who have a different mindset than singles. I won't go into any more detail on this as it is already covered in my Tip #5: Diversify your relationship portfolio.

Third — and this is something I have only heard from others — it's good for the couple. They too are looking for variety, and having an occasional third come along helps break the monotony. Even the tightest of couples can't spend every waking hour of every day alone with each other. They often like having somebody else to talk to and share life with when they go out on non-dates. It's good for them, it's good for you, it's a win-win.

Except for one little complication  — when you develop an attraction to one of them. It doesn't always happen. It's the rare exception rather than the norm. But it can happen, it does happen, and if it happens there are three possible responses: one is good, one is bad, and one is just plain ugly.

(Before I continue, I must first fully disclose that I am discussing a hypothetical situation and I am not personally experiencing these feelings among any of my coupled friends, so don't freak out, guys.)

First, the ugly: Division. You try to break them up. Yes, some people do resort to this. And yes, once in a blue moon, it turns out all right because everyone finds out who they truly belong with. But just because there are a tiny handful of successful cases, it doesn't make it any less sleazy or disgusting to do it. It makes a great movie plot, but it's terrible for relationships. Few things are worse than having someone you deeply trust steal something you deeply treasure. And if you believe that what goes around comes around, you are setting yourself up (rightly so) for the same thing to happen to you, with the pain magnified a thousand times. I'd never do such a deplorable thing and have no sympathy for those who do, but in the end, everyone has to live with their own conscience.

Next, the bad: Withdrawal. You decide you can't possibly be around them anymore because you can't control your romantic feelings and you rationalize that everyone would be more at peace if you just weren't there. In a few cases, that may be the only plausible course of action, but there's no escaping the fact that you're going to end up hurting somebody other than yourself. The couple will soon notice or realize that you don't want to spend the time you once did with them and inevitably ask the question why. Then you have a dilemma. If you tell them the truth, the bank account of trust you built with them will be wiped clean. Though not as bad as blowing up the bank, as would happen with the previous response, it essentially zeroes out your balance as quickly as a wrong spin on Wheel of Fortune. On the other hand, if you lie to them, they'll forever wonder what the hell happened and what they might have done to drive you away. If division is aggressive destruction, withdrawal is passive destruction.

Finally, the good. Acceptance. Though often the hardest response, it is the right one if you want to maintain the friendship. After all, people can be "just friends" without being romantically linked. Face it: this person, this object of your affection, loves somebody else more than you. It's the way it is; deal with it. Appreciate the other positive aspects of the friendship. Enjoy the freedom from romantic entanglements. Platonic relationships can be the best kind of relationships. There are no assumptions and no expectations. Take comfort in that, because whether or not you ever find romance, you still will have those friendships to fall back on, be it one person or two.