Tip #32: Forget the rules

Taking a page from Cee Lo Green here, because I would prefer to use a much strong F-word in that title.

Somehow, somewhere, somebody said that there were certain rights and wrongs around dating, and some other people picked up on that and started writing their own rule books on how to date. And then pieces of those made-up rule books got out into the internet-o-sphere in the form of dating articles, lists of dos and don'ts, and common gossip spread among a wide population of singles in the forms of tweets, posts, pins, and memes. It was spread so much, it started to take on the disguise of truth.

To all that, I lift my big middle finger.

Let's set the record straight: THERE ARE NO RULES!! There is no right or wrong way of getting to know somebody in a more intimate fashion. No stupid rules of thumb like "kiss on the third date" or "say these words and phrases to maintain attraction" or "this is the right time to spend an evening at somebody's house" or any number of ridiculous formulas for moving romance in the right direction. Burdening yourself with such inane checklists is a surefire way of draining out any chance of romance.

Why? Because you're stuck in your head the whole time, that's why. Feelings don't come from the brain, they come from the heart, and for that reason, if you do any thinking at all, you should be thinking from the heart. Don't be always second-guessing yourself and analyzing whether you are doing the dance "properly" or not. Forget the rules!! They don't exist! I know this can be very hard for those who are more cerebral and introspective and analytical by nature, and if you are one of those people, you certainly have your work cut out for you. But believe me, you'll be better off throwing away the calculator and focusing on how you feel, not what's correct or incorrect.

Now, don't get me wrong: when I say think from your heart, I'm not saying you should throw all common sense to the wind. If the person's behavior is unacceptable and against your better judgment, pay attention to the cautious voice of reason within you. If things turn sexual, take logical precautions. That goes without saying. But when it comes to understanding how you and the other person are progressing in your relationship, don't measure it against fictional yardsticks and mile markers. Keep your hopes high and your expectations low. Feel your way through it like a tunnel in the dark and enjoy each moment as it comes. F*** the rules! (There, I said it).

Tip #31: Date strategically

Anyone who has read dating advice articles has probably seen the pearl of wisdom that you should observe your date in a variety of settings to ascertain different facets of their personality. While that is true, that is a rather broad generalization of what goes on during the preparation phase. Your role is not to be a sociologist that observes the behaviors of the subject under conditions of dark and light, in hot weather and cold, in a restaurant or a stadium, or on weekends and weeknights. "Dating in a variety of settings" is more than simply varying the venue, time, or activity. What it really means is to strategically find variances that will give you information of how this person will fit into your regular life.

A person will mostly act the same in any kind of a restaurant, in any kind of a theater, or in any kind of a large arena. But those kinds of dates will provide precious little information for what it will be like to spend multiple days a week with that person, unless eating out, watching entertainment, or cheering on a sports team is an enormous part of your life (to which I'd say, try to find more of a life). Those situations are almost always contrived for the purpose of getting to know only a little bit more about a stranger in an easily severable environment. That's okay for the anticipation phase, but once you are in the preparation phase, those arms-length meetings have no place any more. During the preparation phase, dates should be about finding deeper compatibility with the things that each of you value most — things that mean enough for you to devote considerable time to. For instance, if you have a passion for helping the needy, bring your date to a soup kitchen. If you like educating children, have them join you at library reading hour. If you make it a point to friend the elderly, invite them along when you visit seniors (and be prepared to light-heartedly laugh off any kind of insinuation). If you are about helping the environment, ask them go along with you on a litter pickup patrol. You get the idea.

Asking your date to share in the things that are near and dear to your heart is a two-way benefit. On one hand, it will give your date insight into the kind of person you really are, below the facade, and will create more trust about your genuineness. On the other, it will give you insight into the person your date really is, and will provide buckets of data on how well the person would fit into the parts of your life that mean the most to you, which is of utmost importance when determining if there is truly "something" there. This is the time to move beyond just "chemistry" and look for a deeper connection on an emotional level. Set the context for what normal life would include if things go further. It may get a little bit uncomfortable as the person starts to encroach upon your private life, but those are the things that should be acknowledged before you make too big of an investment emotionally.

Final preparations

My last five posts were on the anticipation phase of transitioning out of the single life that lasts forever into the life of no-longer-single, the point right after you decide to become serious about finding a somebody, taking an active approach as opposed to the passive approach you may have been taking previously. It is a fun time of exploring new things you haven't done, going out and meeting new people, figuring out exactly what you want in a partner and who might fit that picture. This anticipation phase will not last as long as the prior phase when you were just waiting for something to happen, but it can still take quite a bit of time. It may take several months, even a few years. That's okay; it is good to be selective so long as you keep the end goal in mind.

But what happens when you eventually do find that good relationship candidate? What happens when you really start to hone in on a particular person, and that person appears to be honing in on you? Do you just jump from anticipation to "together" in the blink of an eye? Some couples would say yes, that's exactly what happened to them.

They're lying, of course.

Okay, maybe "lying" is too strong of a word. That may be how they remember it, but you can be sure that isn't how it went down. It might seem to them like the anticipation part came to sudden close, but what really happened is that anticipation just morphed into another phase before the deal was finally sealed. I call this next phase the preparation phase because you are preparing yourself to leave the comfortable "me" life for the unfamiliar "us" life. The preparation is the brief period of time where a decision is made, on both sides, whether or not the "something" is really something or about to become a something. And I say "brief" because this period of time is indeed brief; so brief that it commonly gets confused and even merged with anticipation. But it is definitely a separate phase even if you may not recognize it at first.

By its very definition, this preparation phase has to be brief. Even if you are the kind of person that likes to take your time to think about big decisions, there is no escaping the ticking clock during the preparation. You can choose to act or to wait. However, simply waiting is still a decision of inaction, and that decision will have its own ultimate consequence — whether or not you intended it — because if you wait too long and do nothing, any shred of opportunity for the something to become something will cool down and become the nothing you made it by doing nothing. That may sound harsh or have the bad taste of a high-pressure sales pitch, but unfortunately, it's the nature of the beast and you can't change the truth just because you don't like it — well, you can, but you're only hurting yourself if you do. Denial and indecision won't get you to the place where you want to be, which is (I presume) the place of no-longer-single.

The preparation phase is the phase where there is the highest risk of emotional pain outside of a real relationship. It's where you will be most vulnerable, because you'll be forced to peek out from behind your wall and say "I think I know the direction this is heading, and yes, it is my strong desire for this to go in that direction. Is it your desire too?" Scary stuff, right? No wonder singles like to put it off and why couples tend to gloss over or ignore it when recounting the story of how they fell in love. It feels good when you get past it, but while you're in the midst it, the anxiety can become unbearable, which gives added incentive to power through it as quickly as possible.

But going through it quickly does not mean you throw caution to the wind. Indeed, though the preparation is brief, there are still some important principles to follow as you go through this very difficult transition. My next few blog entries will touch on some of those principles.

Tip #30: Stare down your fears

We've spent the last four blog entries talking about anticipation. That is, you've started becoming serious about seeking a relationship, and now you're in the middle of the process of finding a person you want to have a relationship with. So, now what happens when you narrow down your choices to one? You get along really well, you are happy spending time in each other's company, you go on a few wonderful dates, and now you sense that you both want things to go to up a level. What's next?

Well, the answer is obvious, right?

YOU FREAK OUT!!

Yep. That emotion we all hate comes bursting out. You've been controlling it up until now, but it has finally bubbled to the surface. You become...afraid.

Very afraid.

And why is that? Isn't this what you have been looking for? Isn't this why you decided to go from being passive to being active in seeking out a relationship? Of course! So where is this fear coming from?

Is it fear of failure? That once you notch it up, the rejection will hit you like a ton of bricks?

Is it fear of success? That once you actually dive in, you won't live up to your own expectations?

Maybe it's a little of both.

Let's face it: change is scary. Always has been; always will be. And when you approach that moment in life when you are getting ready to shed the exploratory phase of singleness, you will be confronted with a big change. You will be standing at the threshold of the comfortable and the unknown, and you will start to look deep within and ask yourself if are you really ready for this kind of transition. Before, it was just a dream, but now, it is becoming a reality with real actions, real feelings, and real consequences. This is the point at which you will question how serious you really are.

The pressure mounts exponentially right here, and this is often the place where chronically single men and women get stuck. It is too much to bear, and the easiest thing to do is to retreat back into the comfort of non-commitment. It's the primal instinct of fight or flight, and fear is what drives many to flight instead of fighting through the doubts and the uncertainty and moving forward into the state of unloneliness that they inwardly desire. 

Don't be one of those people. Think about what you really want, and overcome your fears by staring them in the face and saying that this is something you want badly enough that you are willing to deal with the risks. Look in the mirror, give yourself a pep talk, write your pledge down, and follow through by taking that one tenuous step across the boundary line.

(Sneak preview: My next few blog entries will be about that period where you're straddling the line with one foot in and one foot out, and how to get the second foot over the line to join the first.)

Tip #29: Keep your options open

This is the fourth entry in a mini-series on the anticipation phase of singleness — the time between when you make the mental decision to get serious about finding somebody, and the time when you choose who you want to start going out with.  Anticipation, flirting, going on a few dates, is all about exploring what your options are. Once you make a relationship a serious goal, you will soon find that there are indeed a lot of options, and the more you put yourself out in the world among singles, the faster you will go from the point of no options to the point of too many options. Some options you will know to dispense with early on, but several others will actually stick, and you will end up with the good problem of picking among multiple options. So, how do you know which one is the right one? Like a message I saw in a fortune cookie once — sometimes the best choice is to choose all options.

Now, again, we're talking about the phase before you actually start dating somebody officially. Once you are already in a committed relationship, keeping your options open is no longer an option (unless you're bucking for a breakup, but that's not what we're discussing here). It is quite common to experience a cycle of meeting somebody, getting along, getting attached, and then falling apart. The way you cope with it is to have choices. Choices also keep you from getting too deep too quick, which can worsen problems or create new ones.

Let me elaborate a bit on this point, because right off the bat, it might sound like a terrible idea. As a single person, you never want to be classified as just an "option." The tendency is to think that if somebody sees you as simply an option, then you should help them make their choice easier by eliminating yourself from contention. I even saw somebody post a statement to that effect on one of those fake Facebook groups with a long name which exist simply to unify a community around an idea. The irony, however, behind that position is that eliminating yourself as an option can only be a strong option when you already have many other options of your own.

Let's face it: it's very rare that the emotional floodgates burst the first time two people meet each other. More commonly, there is an element of time and patience as they get to know each other in more casual, safe ways before stretching into the romantic realm. Attitudes can and frequently do change during that time of...anticipation. It can be a change either towards or away from each other, and which person will change which way is a guessing game based on many factors, some of which you have absolutely no control over. Having other options at the ready makes it far easier to adjust and adapt if things don't develop the way you might have liked or expected with one particular person. The truth is, numbers will almost always play a role in determining who you meet. Putting all your eggs in one basket is unsound investment advice, and it is unsound relationship-seeking advice too.

So, don't be so quick to cling on to the first prospect you see. Expand your network, diversify your relationship portfolio, continue to make new connections, and think broadly. During the anticipation phase, I'd say that is certainly the case, until you find that one particular person which eliminates the need to have any other choice.

Tip #28: Know what (not who) you want

This is the third entry in a mini-series on the anticipation phase of singleness — the time between when you make the mental decision to get serious about finding somebody, and the time when you choose who you want to start going out with. The anticipation phase can also be called the exploration phase, not only because you are exploring what is out there, but also because you are exploring what is within yourself. Before making a serious charge into the dating scene — serious meaning that an actual relationship is your goal — you need to be clear on what you want in a partner.

I say "what" not "who" because it is very easy to get swept away by an intriguing person who is totally unfit for you. That might suffice if you're looking for a bit of short-term fun, but it's not the kind of thing you're going to pin any long-term hopes on. Dating is about finding the right fit for who you are as a person — the private You that only you know. The You that doesn't get displayed to the outside world. Everybody has their public face and their private face. You do, and the people you will meet in the dating world do. Upon meeting them, you don't know exactly what they are looking for, just like they don't know exactly what you are looking for. That's normal and acceptable — after all, that's why you date. But what is not acceptable or advisable is when you don't know exactly what you are looking for. Getting serious means having direction, and having direction means having clear principles about what you're searching for. If you don't have clear principles, if you still fumble and utter confusing generalities when asked "what do you want", then you're just not ready to date seriously, plain and simple.

What are those principles? They are the things that agree with the inner You: your values, your life goals, your energy level, your personality traits, your maturity, your intelligence, and your overall psychological and emotional profile. Physical attraction is nice. Common interests and hobbies are nice. But those are merely an entry point, an introduction to start getting to know someone more. Once you get past that — and you'll get past it pretty quickly — there comes a decision of whether it's worth taking things further than "nice getting to know you." But how can you make that decision unless you are clear about what you are seeking? 

Having that clarity will help you look beyond physical attraction and fun conversation, and will set the appropriate standard for exactly the kind of partner you are seeking. It is the yardstick by which you should measure all of your interactions with potential mates. The earlier you make the determination, the better it will be for all involved, before any significant amount of time and effort have been invested.

Tip #27: Stay positive

Equally as important as believing in yourself is believing that everything you're doing is going to work out, sooner or later. When trying to make a good first impression, it is natural to want to second-guess yourself, to think about what you did right or wrong in each interaction, and whether you did enough to attract the person you desire. But that leads to over-obsession and distraction from your goal, which is to start a relationship with this awesome girl or guy you just met, or someone of equal awesomeness that you have yet to meet. In either case, it is crucial to stay positive while the waiting game stretches on.

No matter how many ups and downs you experience, always look at it in the context of the end goal. That means, if the interaction goes well, say to yourself: "That was great. Next time, it will be better!" If the interaction does not go so well, say to yourself: "That's okay. Next time, it will be better!" Repeat this drill with every person you talk to. Now, the reality is, sometimes the next time won't be better, or may not even happen at all; but that's all right. Be okay with rejection. If you maintain a positive mindset, and believe the next time will be better, in most cases, the next time will be better. Certainly, it will be better where it matters most, and with WHOM it matters most. But, you have to believe it; don't be your own worst enemy.

This may all sound like a bunch of self-realization nonsense when you're used to things always falling apart, but here's a hard truth. Unchecked negativity will snowball into more and more negativity until it eventually becomes a tomb of bitterness that you will be unable to escape from. It's no fun being around negative people, and though you might try to hide it, the best individuals are overly sensitive to detecting negativity. Positivity, on the other hand, is infectious and attractive, and helps you stay in the game for the long haul. Stay positive — even self-delusional, if need be — and you will keep from succumbing to the frustration that is especially potent during the anticipation phase.

Tip #26: Believe in yourself

This is going to sound an awful lot like my very first tip, love yourself, but there is a slightly different nuance in the context of "looking to date somebody." Sure, you need to love yourself because that's who you will spend most of your time with prior to being in a relationship. I don't need to rehash that. But besides loving yourself, you also have to believe in yourself as far as being and becoming the kind of person that somebody is looking to date.

When you've been single for a very, very, very, very long time, it is only natural to have self-doubt about whether anyone would even like to be in a relationship with you. As opportunities continue to fall apart before they solidify, there is the temptation to just give in to defeatism and say "Oh well, I guess I'm just not the kind of person somebody else could love." But that's simply another way of saying "I hate myself." If you are truly loving yourself as explained in tip #1, then naturally you should also believe that if you love you, anybody can love you. In fact, not only are you lovable, but you are worthy and even deserving of love. What this kind of thinking does is give you a new perspective on how you go about in your interactions with potential mates. Now, you are not in the position of trying to prove your self-worth to somebody you like, but rather, you are evaluating that person to see if his or her worth measures up to your own. In a sense, you've become the buyer instead of the seller.

This may sound a bit self-centered, but actually it isn't. If you have a high opinion of yourself, you should know that you absolutely deserve what is best for you, and you already know how much you would be worth to somebody else, without having to convince anybody. You can actually be comfortable with being yourself, because you are awesome. You are a unique individual, you are the cream of the crop, and anyone — ANYone, even the man or woman of your dreams — who doesn't see that isn't worth the emotional effort. Period.

There is a word for this state of mind. It's called "self-confidence" which is immensely attractive in both men and women. Not a cocky kind of confidence, but a quiet kind of confidence that says "I know who I am, and I'm ready to embark upon a new adventure with someone who can live up to the challenge." The people you meet will pick up on this attitude, and you will immediately start out on the right foot when you first introduce yourself to them. Even if nothing happens right away, it will lay the groundwork for more a comfortable and familiar interaction the next time you run into them, and already sets you apart from the field before any kind of closer relationship transpires.

Phase shifting

I last left off with a blog entry to "get serious" about seeking out a relationship if that is what you truly desire. I said it would be my last entry, and I meant it. It was the last entry regarding the subject of coping with the single life that lasts forever, of being comfortable with the singleness you find yourself in, whether willingly or unwillingly.

But how could I tell you what to do and claim any kind of authority without actually doing it myself and following my own advice? So, in order to avoid being a hypocrite, I realized I had to get serious about getting serious.

And so I did. It was a big change for me, having lived much of my life being not serious. It was a shift to new "phase" where I would start actively pursuing a relationship, being purposeful about finding a partner in love rather than passively waiting for the stars to align. I turned up the volume on my social life to 11, set aside some of my other passions, and started going to places and participating in activities that were not only fun to do (remember tip #2), but also afforded the opportunity to meet more people, single people — and single women in particular.

Now, what often happens when you determine to make a life change is that life started to throw new things at you. Because you've opened the door to change, change invites itself in and makes itself at home. At that point, you can decide to either be a good host and entertain change, or to kick change out of the house and return to your safe and comfortable environment. I chose the former.

The result was that, approximately four months after I wrote that last blog entry, I met the woman that would eventually become my girlfriend.

Now, you may decide to stop reading right there. That's fine. Go ahead. I won't blame you. I might do the same in your position. I'd think "Great, he's got a girlfriend. Whoop-de-doo for him. I still don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend. I'm not interested in hearing his story because it will just make me more angry about what I don't have. It's not fair he has somebody and I'm just as good or better and I have nobody. He can't relate to my problems anymore like he did before. Nothing he can say from this point forward will apply to me, so I'm just going to shut down this page and go back to reading something else. Thanks and goodbye."

You could do that, or you could continue reading because this blog is about to shift to a new topic, still related to singleness, but not to perpetual singleness. Given the new circumstance I find myself in, I obviously cannot genuinely discuss coping with complete and utter loneliness. But I can discuss, to the best of my ability, my impressions of this new life phase — dating and the moments leading up to dating. Even if you are not in a new dating relationship just yet, the insights could still be informative as far as what to expect if and when the "meet" happens, and how to deal with what comes immediately after the "meet".

The first few entries won't dive into the heart of the dating phase, but rather will focus on what I call the anticipation phase — the time right after you meet the person, while you wait for something real to develop with him or her. I always hated it when couples skip over this phase when talking about the early days of their relationship before they were officially "together." They usually start off with a cute story about where and how they first met, followed by something like "and then, you know, one thing led to another, and pretty soon we were dating..."

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whooooa! Wait a second! I know it didn't just happen like that. I don't care what you say. What do you mean "one thing led to another?" Obviously, there was some time between meeting and when you started dating. How long did that take and what did that time feel like? They might then say something like "well, I knew she liked me and I liked her, and..." Stop! Describe the period leading up to that revelation and afterwards when the relationship turned. The frustrating thing is that they can't seem to remember, either because the time was too short, like the brief flash before the sunrise, or too unpleasant, because it was full of fear, uncertainty, and doubt, and they were so relieved to finally get to the dating part that they blocked the anticipation part from their memory.

I'm not going to pull that on you. I will describe the anticipation phase in detail, what the emotions are like, and how to survive it. Once that part is out of the way, then I can start going into more of the dating phase, what that emotional journey is like, and how to cope with it. Hopefully by then I'll also have more experience with it and can give better advice. There's a learning curve, for sure, but that's also what makes it exciting.

So, onward to a new phase!

Tip #25: Get serious

Up until now, all the posts in this blog have been keeping with the subject: coping with the single life that goes on forever. They provided practical tips on how to find fulfillment in a life that is absent of a significant other. Quite purposely, they haven't tackled the single part head-on.

Now, if you are happy and satisfied with your single life, and are content for it to go on forever, then may I proudly say you've come to the end of this series and I hope you continue to live out a life of fulfillment and happiness.

But what about if you've had enough of the single life that goes on forever, and actually want forever to end? That's what I hope to address in this final entry, so if that's you, keep on reading.

At some point, you may decide that you're just plain fed up with being single. Perhaps you've already reached that point, and even shot way past it years ago. How do you deal with it? Well, it may cause you to roll your eyes or maybe even resent me for saying it, but the bottom line is, you need to get serious. Yes, get serious about ending the drought. What does that mean, exactly? It means you have to come to a peace within yourself about what you truly want. Do you want to have a relationship? No, I mean, seriously, do you want to have a relationship?

You might say, "Yeah, it would be nice" and again I say, do you want to to have a relationship?

"Well, sure, I'd like to if the opportunity is there, or I meet a good person and things progress." No, but do you want to have a relationship? Are you ready for all that it entails? Are you ready to take on the time commitment? The emotional commitment? Sometimes even a financial commitment? Are you ready to take on the risk for the chance of the reward?

Because if you do want a relationship, and are ready to take on a radical change in your everyday life, you need to start acting like it. Set the goal for yourself, actively pursue that goal, and continue to persevere even through failure. You can spend your whole life just floating along, keeping everyone at arm's length, not really committed to ending your singleness, and then guess what? You'll end up single, because that is truly what you wanted deep down inside. Even though you may say that's not the case, your actions will speak otherwise.

Now, there's nothing wrong with being single. People can live very happy and satisfying single lives if that is what they desire. But if singleness is not something you desire, then what do you want? I'm not saying you need to be desperate and take whatever comes along. Of course not. But you do have to have focus. If you don't, prospects will pick up on that and move on to someone who is more certain of what they want. This goes for both men and women.

You must first decide what you want and then take proactive steps to achieve it. And it's a big decision. Take your time with it, have a heart-to-heart talk with trusted friends and especially yourself, and firmly stand behind the final verdict. Clarity of mind does wonders for relieving frustration.

So I leave you with this: What do you really want? Are you willing to reach for it? And what do you intend to do to obtain it?

The answers lie in your hands, and yours alone.