Dealing with disappointment

In the satirical Cold War-era cartoon The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle (and Friends), there was a running gag where the Laurel and Hardy of evil spies, Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale, would endlessly plot the destruction of Western civilization, only to be stopped at every turn by the patriotic heroes whom the series was named after. Every so often, the diminutive dastard Boris would perk up with a new "plan" that would be sure to do in the "moose and squirrel" for good. His svelte partner-in-crime, Natasha, would retort with the reality check that every prior plan they had tried ended in utter disaster. The compact comrade would then respond to the hourglass-shaped beauty with the utmost assurance that this time would be different, because "this time it vill verk."

In the single life that lasts forever, you might experience a common theme. There can be a long spell of dryness, then suddenly something happens that gives you a boost of hope that maybe there will indeed be a light at the end of the tunnel, only to see that hope dashed to pieces not long afterwards. It can make you resentful in some ways, and after a while, you may start to feel like you're playing the part of that delusional dwarf from Pottsylvania. Each time you face another failure, another disappointment, it reaffirms your worst fears that no matter what you do, who you meet, or where you go, you will always get the same result. It won't be any different. There won't ever be a time when "it will work." Why bother stepping up to the plate when you're sure to strike out, fly out, ground out, line out, or foul out every time? Loneliness can become hopelessness, hopelessness can become bitterness, and bitterness can lead to a lifetime of unhappiness and discontentment. It's not a good place to be.

So, what do you do about it? Do you allow hope to spring eternal and thus set yourself up for broken heart after broken heart, or do you stop deceiving yourself and simply accept the fact that dying alone is your lot in life? It's a tough choice, isn't it? I'm not trying to be depressing, but it is a legitimate question that every chronically single person asks themselves at some point. And I can't offer you the right answer either, but what I can do is give you some tips on how to deal with the disappointment so that it doesn't gnaw at you and rob you of your joy in life.

First, don't think of yourself as a victim. When the seed of love dies before it blossoms, you may feel the urge to look inward and blame yourself for what happened. But what that does is add self-loathing on top of an already saddening situation. Not everything will work out right. That's just the way it is. 99.5% the people you meet will not be right for you. So, go back to tip #1 and remember the great person that you are. You know you're awesome. That's all that matters. If someone else doesn't recognize it, that's their problem. Hold your head up high and be proud of who you are.

Second, don't set time limits. One way to guarantee a swift journey to hopelessness is to set up completely arbitrary deadlines about when you're supposed to have a partner, be married, have kids, or whatever. Who says you have to do so and so by such and such an age or year? It's your life. You make your own schedule, and you can change that schedule whenever you like. Don't bow to the pressure of others. Now, admittedly, this is easier said than done, particularly for women who have a faster biological clock than men do. But your priorities will always be in motion, as will your personality and your perspective. You can't measure life in the future with the same ruler as life in the present or the past. Look at where you are now. Take each day at a time, as a source of new opportunities. Don't create added stress for yourself by making up pointless timelines that only exist in your head.

Third and last, hope for the best and prepare for the worst. This may sound like I'm repeating myself from before, and I am, but there is a slight difference in attitude. You still keep the hope alive, because you don't want to miss a great opportunity if it comes your way. At the same time, though, you stay aware that there is the chance you could end up finding nobody. That may sound terrible, and I'm not saying that it is inevitable, but you still have to prepare for the possibility. The key, though, is that you don't spend your life staring doomsday in the face. You don't give yourself any false impressions either. Realize either outcome is likely and just take life as it comes.

If you remain in a constant state of despair about how you can't find anybody, you probably won't, because then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. But if you keep in mind that you are in control and not the victim, that time is what you choose to make it, and that hope can still remain grounded in the reality of your circumstances, it will help weather the storms of strife and disappointment that are sure to come your way many times before the end finally comes, one way or another.

Tip #15: Be kind to kids

As I mentioned in my last post, marriage and parenthood are often lumped together in the same category. They really shouldn't be; they are entirely different things. There are many many married couples who have no children either because they can't have them or don't want to have them. There are also many many parents who have children and are not married or even in relationships. In fact, this is (unfortunately so) becoming the norm today. We are far from the traditional days of first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. But whether or not they see kids in their future, single people would do best to learn to be kind to kids.

Yes, kids may be cute and naive, but they can also be slobbery, annoying, obnoxious, temperamental, selfish, ungrateful, and precocious. It takes a tremendous amount of patience to deal with them, and for some, you really have to go out on a limb to even tolerate them, never mind be kind to them. However, that also happens to be the relational skill single people can learn from dealing with kids because — you see — in reality, kids are more or less powerless against adults. Sure, they may have a big attitude, but in most cases, they are smaller, weaker, and underinformed. That gives you a tremendous advantage. Choosing not exercise your power, and choosing to be kind instead, is a lesson in restraint and response that will serve well in a relationship. And you never know how many potential mates there may be around you silently observing how you interact with children. Those who want kids of their own some day are going to take note of your behavior and will likely weigh that factor when deciding whether to put you on the "yes," "maybe," or "no" list.

Before closing this entry, I must deal with one issue which can be disturbing, yet I feel needs to be addressed. Make no mistake, there is a stigma attached to singleness, and it sometimes rears itself in ugly ways. One such way in which this comes out is in singles' — particularly single men's — interactions with children. You may feel a silent distrust brewing around you — suspicion that kindness towards a child has some insidious ulterior motive. There are good reasons for this suspicion, because there are way too many sick people in this world. Even though there have been many a case where a married person was shown to be just as sick as a single person, my observation is that the single people tend to get the brunt of the distrust. If you feel this happening, respect it and disengage immediately. The fact that you have nothing but pure intentions is irrelevant at that point. You don't want to fuel any kind of suspicions, even if they are unwarranted. Just move on to where people feel more at ease. There will always be other opportunities to practice kindness towards the little ones.