As a single person, you have something a lot of couples don't have: time.
"WHAT?!!" you cry. "Dude, do you have any idea what my schedule is like?"
Dude, you have the same number of hours in a day as everybody else; it's just a matter of how you choose to spend them. What sets the singles apart is that it really is up to them (and them alone) how to spend the time. They don't have the same demands coming from an outside source — you know, like when a night's plans get shot because your girlfriend or boyfriend insists that your time belongs to her or him for support, company, assistance, whatever. Sure, there are some things that consume our time that can't be reallocated, such as work, eating, exercise, errands, chores, sleeping, and so on. But under most circumstances, there are going to be at least a few hours in the week left over which is up to you to fill however you wish.
You could spend that time engaged in diversionary entertainment like watching television, playing video games, reading, listening to music, perusing the Internet, and other things that please yourself and only yourself. After all, it's your time, it's your prerogative how to consume it. But you could alternatively use that time to enrich the lives of others. Volunteer at a home or shelter. Become a tutor or mentor. Serve at your place of worship. Join a neighborhood board. Start a grass roots campaign. In short, become involved in the world around you. This all goes back to the idea of connecting yourself with greater humanity and giving back to the community. Unlike others, you can put in that extra hour or two each night, grab dinner on the go, and fill every last minute between pillow times. You have control over your time, and you can pick up the slack of others that have family or coupling obligations.
Will this interfere with your ability to eventually meet someone special? Perhaps. Or it could help it, because you may just find another person like you who is spending the extra time for a cause she or he feels close to. But whether that happens or not doesn't matter, because you're not doing it to meet people, remember? You're doing it because it's something you love, and because it is part of your mission in life to improve other people's lives during the moment when you have the fewest constraints on your time.
2/14/2011
Surviving V-day
Many of us have experienced that one unpopular holiday that should be joyful but isn't. It could be the birthday of a loved one who has passed on, a Thanksgiving or Christmas spent away from family, or a New Year's Eve that marks the end of an era. For some singles, the unpopular holiday is the 14th of February. According to a recent Rasmussen poll, one in five adults in the U.S. actually dreads St. Valentine's Day. It's understandable. After all, the day of hearts and roses may be beautiful to those who have someone to celebrate it with, but to those who don't, it can serve as a cruel reminder of a past relationship that went to #@%! or the unending absence of a relationship. So, how should the single person deal with this annoying little day without throwing up or drowning in sorrow?
One way is to simply ignore it, as I'm sure many have done (myself included), but that only avoids the issue. The day provides an invitation to celebrate, and I think it creates a missed opportunity if you simply pretend it's just another day on the calendar. But how can you celebrate alone when the holiday is specifically set up to encourage celebration between lovers? Should you go on a spending binge, treating yourself to personal Valentine's day gifts like flowers, candy, clothes, jewelery, or — as I heard on a radio advertisement the other day — hair cell therapy products (I kid you not)? Should you spend the day purging every last remnant of your ex: deleting his/her old emails and texts, tearing up his/her cards, and burning remaining pictures of him/her in the fire? Should you cuddle up in your favorite chair with a pint of Ben & Jerry's reading your favorite romance novel? Those are all possible ways to celebrate, but they are also wrong ways to celebrate. They just enhance or try to disguise the bitterness of solitude. The right thing to do on V-day is to go on a date with the person you love the most — that is, yourself.
That's right — yourself. Recall tip #1 for coping with a single life that goes on forever? Love yourself. Go on a date with yourself. Find a nice romantic spot where you can be alone with you. Tell yourself what it is about you that makes you love you. Speak aloud if it is feasible, or if not, bring a journal or notebook to write down your love letter to yourself. This isn't narcissism; it's positive reinforcement of why you are such a wonderful person and why you are able to handle being single for the time being — because you provide such great company for yourself. Talk about your good qualities and how you are the best person for you. It may sound a little strange, but it is an important exercise to help you practice loving yourself. Make it an annual tradition, so even if you never find a special person to love you, you'll still always have that date with the human being that loves you most.
One way is to simply ignore it, as I'm sure many have done (myself included), but that only avoids the issue. The day provides an invitation to celebrate, and I think it creates a missed opportunity if you simply pretend it's just another day on the calendar. But how can you celebrate alone when the holiday is specifically set up to encourage celebration between lovers? Should you go on a spending binge, treating yourself to personal Valentine's day gifts like flowers, candy, clothes, jewelery, or — as I heard on a radio advertisement the other day — hair cell therapy products (I kid you not)? Should you spend the day purging every last remnant of your ex: deleting his/her old emails and texts, tearing up his/her cards, and burning remaining pictures of him/her in the fire? Should you cuddle up in your favorite chair with a pint of Ben & Jerry's reading your favorite romance novel? Those are all possible ways to celebrate, but they are also wrong ways to celebrate. They just enhance or try to disguise the bitterness of solitude. The right thing to do on V-day is to go on a date with the person you love the most — that is, yourself.
That's right — yourself. Recall tip #1 for coping with a single life that goes on forever? Love yourself. Go on a date with yourself. Find a nice romantic spot where you can be alone with you. Tell yourself what it is about you that makes you love you. Speak aloud if it is feasible, or if not, bring a journal or notebook to write down your love letter to yourself. This isn't narcissism; it's positive reinforcement of why you are such a wonderful person and why you are able to handle being single for the time being — because you provide such great company for yourself. Talk about your good qualities and how you are the best person for you. It may sound a little strange, but it is an important exercise to help you practice loving yourself. Make it an annual tradition, so even if you never find a special person to love you, you'll still always have that date with the human being that loves you most.
2/11/2011
Tip #5: Diversify your relationship portfolio
Anyone that invests in securities knows that the first rule to achieving a strong financial portfolio is diversification. Spread out your investments over stocks, bonds, and commodities; growth, value, and equity; large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap; domestic and international. With a good balance, you can ride out any economy or market, good or bad, up or down.
What goes for mutual funds also goes for mutual friends. Don't always surround yourself with the same kinds of people. Diversify your relationships: young and old, male and female, gay and straight, single and coupled, liberal and conservative, rich and poor, short and tall. Get to know people of different ethnicities, different nationalities, and different religions. Appreciate the diversity of humankind. By doing so, you will learn to respect and relate to a wide variety of individuals. You don't have to agree with their beliefs or condone their lifestyle, but it is good to get a wide range of perspectives. The more you learn about others, the more you learn about yourself and what human beings are capable of.
Once again, the goal here is not to find that "special someone" although that certainly could happen. But even if it doesn't, you are expanding your knowledge of humanity, knowledge that can come in handy when life puts you in situations where you have to interact with people that are a lot different than you. A cosmopolitan outlook will make you much more approachable and easier to get along with, and that's something where you can't go wrong.
What goes for mutual funds also goes for mutual friends. Don't always surround yourself with the same kinds of people. Diversify your relationships: young and old, male and female, gay and straight, single and coupled, liberal and conservative, rich and poor, short and tall. Get to know people of different ethnicities, different nationalities, and different religions. Appreciate the diversity of humankind. By doing so, you will learn to respect and relate to a wide variety of individuals. You don't have to agree with their beliefs or condone their lifestyle, but it is good to get a wide range of perspectives. The more you learn about others, the more you learn about yourself and what human beings are capable of.
Once again, the goal here is not to find that "special someone" although that certainly could happen. But even if it doesn't, you are expanding your knowledge of humanity, knowledge that can come in handy when life puts you in situations where you have to interact with people that are a lot different than you. A cosmopolitan outlook will make you much more approachable and easier to get along with, and that's something where you can't go wrong.
2/05/2011
Tip #4: Be considerate (of everybody)
Yes, everybody, not just the hot girl or guy you're trying to impress. One of the very few drawbacks of being single is that you don't get as much experience doing things for the good of other people. It's easy to fall into the trap of focusing only on yourself, thinking you're the only one in the world who matters, and that life revolves around you. That kind of thinking may, in fact, be the reason why you are so miserable living the single life. "Why am I alone? Doesn't anyone see how great I am? What is their problem? I can give them so much." You're looking to someone else to fulfill your need to be affirmed, stroked, doted upon, and served. It's all about what can others do for me. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
Have you ever considered, even for a moment, that maybe you're not the only one who needs some TLC? There are lots of other people in this world, and they also need someone to make life a little more bearable for them. So, live by the "golden rule" to treat others as you would like to be treated. Clean up after yourself. Hold doors open. Help the mom lift the stroller onto the curb. Let in that car that noticed its exit at the last minute (without honking or flipping them off). Allow the guy with only three items to cut in front of you at the checkout stand. Pick up the DVD or dress that fell on the floor. Bring it to the lady's attention if something accidentally slips out of her purse or she leaves her umbrella or glasses behind. Thank the janitor that empties your office trash can. Turn down the stereo during normal sleeping hours (or abnormal ones if your neighbor has strange working hours). Warn that elevator texter when he's about to step off on the wrong floor. Offer the use of your height to the vertically challenged.
And, no, don't do this hoping that some girl or guy will see you and be so enraptured by your kindness that she or he will ask you out for a date right on the spot. Odds are that nobody will notice your good deeds other than the person you are helping, and sometimes even that person won't notice or appreciate it either. You're not doing it for them, you're doing it for yourself, which is sort of ironic considering that this exercise is supposed to be about not focusing on yourself all the time. But we're talking about self-awareness, which is good, as opposed to selfishness, which is bad. The practice of being considerate of others will keep you aware of the role you play in the connectivity of humanity. The sad truth is that, despite unprecedented opportunities to nurture relationships, we are becoming more and more isolated as a society, stuck in our own little world of technology. The treatment is to find ways to extend courtesy outwards. For the single person, it is also a way to sharpen your social skills and prepare for a life when it will become more important to cater to someone else's needs rather than your own. Even if that never happens, however, you will still be doing a service to those around you, providing purpose and meaning to your single life in the process.
Now, admittedly, it can sometimes be difficult to bring yourself to extend courtesy to someone who — quite frankly — doesn't deserve it. A part of us thinks that maybe if that texter is allowed to step off on the wrong floor, or if that car is allowed to miss its exit, maybe they will learn a lesson. The problem is, though, that such an attitude doesn't help strengthen the muscle of forgiveness, which is another important piece of a successful relationship. Realize that not everybody is as perfect as you are, and sometimes, people do things they shouldn't when they're not paying full attention like you. Of course, I say that sarcastically, because you know you too are prone to the occasional lapse in judgment, yet expect people to forgive you. So, don't always be so concerned about your own convenience. Pay others the same respect that you demand to be paid with.
Have you ever considered, even for a moment, that maybe you're not the only one who needs some TLC? There are lots of other people in this world, and they also need someone to make life a little more bearable for them. So, live by the "golden rule" to treat others as you would like to be treated. Clean up after yourself. Hold doors open. Help the mom lift the stroller onto the curb. Let in that car that noticed its exit at the last minute (without honking or flipping them off). Allow the guy with only three items to cut in front of you at the checkout stand. Pick up the DVD or dress that fell on the floor. Bring it to the lady's attention if something accidentally slips out of her purse or she leaves her umbrella or glasses behind. Thank the janitor that empties your office trash can. Turn down the stereo during normal sleeping hours (or abnormal ones if your neighbor has strange working hours). Warn that elevator texter when he's about to step off on the wrong floor. Offer the use of your height to the vertically challenged.
And, no, don't do this hoping that some girl or guy will see you and be so enraptured by your kindness that she or he will ask you out for a date right on the spot. Odds are that nobody will notice your good deeds other than the person you are helping, and sometimes even that person won't notice or appreciate it either. You're not doing it for them, you're doing it for yourself, which is sort of ironic considering that this exercise is supposed to be about not focusing on yourself all the time. But we're talking about self-awareness, which is good, as opposed to selfishness, which is bad. The practice of being considerate of others will keep you aware of the role you play in the connectivity of humanity. The sad truth is that, despite unprecedented opportunities to nurture relationships, we are becoming more and more isolated as a society, stuck in our own little world of technology. The treatment is to find ways to extend courtesy outwards. For the single person, it is also a way to sharpen your social skills and prepare for a life when it will become more important to cater to someone else's needs rather than your own. Even if that never happens, however, you will still be doing a service to those around you, providing purpose and meaning to your single life in the process.
Now, admittedly, it can sometimes be difficult to bring yourself to extend courtesy to someone who — quite frankly — doesn't deserve it. A part of us thinks that maybe if that texter is allowed to step off on the wrong floor, or if that car is allowed to miss its exit, maybe they will learn a lesson. The problem is, though, that such an attitude doesn't help strengthen the muscle of forgiveness, which is another important piece of a successful relationship. Realize that not everybody is as perfect as you are, and sometimes, people do things they shouldn't when they're not paying full attention like you. Of course, I say that sarcastically, because you know you too are prone to the occasional lapse in judgment, yet expect people to forgive you. So, don't always be so concerned about your own convenience. Pay others the same respect that you demand to be paid with.
2/02/2011
Tip #3: Foster a spontaneous spirit
spon·ta·ne·ous (adj) \spän-ˈtā-nē-əs\
1: proceeding from natural feeling or native tendency without external constraint
2: arising from a momentary impulse
3: controlled and directed internally : self-acting
In the online Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word spontaneous has six definitions. The first three are above, the last three all revolve around processes or events that happen in nature without human intervention (as in spontaneous combustion or spontaneous generation). I can't help but recognize the obvious connection between spontaneity and naturalness here.
Spontaneity is natural. When we're babies, we do things purely on instinct and impulse, but as we get older and take on more responsibility, that spontaneous spirit that we were born with starts fading away. We follow rules, create schedules, get jobs, bring more activities and people into our lives, and suddenly what was so natural at one time has become something we fear. We like our comfort zones. Deviating from the "plan" is burdensome and impractical. We have people who depend on us, tasks that must get done, places we must be. Decisions often involve more than one person. It's not always so easy to change your mind at the last minute to do something different just for the heck of it. Every action must have a purpose and requires consensus.
If there is one joy of singleness that outweighs all the others, it is that you don't need consensus to have a good time. You can change your plans at the drop of a hat. Let's say you're driving home after watching the air show on the weekend and decide to watch the sunset at the beach. Hang an immediate right and take the coast road. If, on the way back from the beach, you pass an Indian food restaurant and get a sudden craving after smelling that curry, go on in and grab it. If, after polishing off the last bit of kheer, you get the urge to sing, zip on over to the karaoke bar two blocks away. It's all up to you. There's no checking with the honey to see if she or he is in the mood, feeling well, likes the same food, or has to get up early the next morning. You have one and only one schedule to consult — yours.
I often hear married people lament about their single days when they had more freedom. So, if freedom is the thing that non-singles envy most, why not take the maximum advantage of it while you are still single? Find ways to tap into that spirit of spontaneity and fun. Try new activities that you've always wanted to try. Visit new places that you've never seen. Revel in the fact that you don't have to ask for permission or coordinate other schedules. Enjoy it now while you can, because if you ever do find that other person and build up a family, you may not have the same opportunity to just do something simply because you feel like doing it. Don't waste your limited time of freedom, holed up, sulking about how you don't have anyone to "share the experience" with. In truth, you may never get the chance to do some of these things once an "other" person is involved in the decision-making because they may not like it or have time for it.
Now, I realize that some single people, despite being single, may not have the luxury of being too spontaneous because of finances, job responsibilities, or family obligations like taking care of a child, parent, or pet. But one can still foster a spontaneous spirit, even if it has be done on a smaller scale. Call a college friend you haven't spoken to in years. Take your laptop out into the sunshine. Throw a mini-party for little Johnny with confetti, balloons, and a cake for just the two of you. Spend an afternoon with Grandma at the park instead of the living room. Take Fido for a run at the lake instead of the park. Plan your day with a pencil. Maintaining this attitude will help you deal with the drudgery that can set in when you're going through a long dry spell in the romance department. What's more, if that dry spell ever does end, a spirit of spontaneity can infuse life into a relationship and keep it continually fresh for a long time.
1: proceeding from natural feeling or native tendency without external constraint
2: arising from a momentary impulse
3: controlled and directed internally : self-acting
In the online Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word spontaneous has six definitions. The first three are above, the last three all revolve around processes or events that happen in nature without human intervention (as in spontaneous combustion or spontaneous generation). I can't help but recognize the obvious connection between spontaneity and naturalness here.
Spontaneity is natural. When we're babies, we do things purely on instinct and impulse, but as we get older and take on more responsibility, that spontaneous spirit that we were born with starts fading away. We follow rules, create schedules, get jobs, bring more activities and people into our lives, and suddenly what was so natural at one time has become something we fear. We like our comfort zones. Deviating from the "plan" is burdensome and impractical. We have people who depend on us, tasks that must get done, places we must be. Decisions often involve more than one person. It's not always so easy to change your mind at the last minute to do something different just for the heck of it. Every action must have a purpose and requires consensus.
If there is one joy of singleness that outweighs all the others, it is that you don't need consensus to have a good time. You can change your plans at the drop of a hat. Let's say you're driving home after watching the air show on the weekend and decide to watch the sunset at the beach. Hang an immediate right and take the coast road. If, on the way back from the beach, you pass an Indian food restaurant and get a sudden craving after smelling that curry, go on in and grab it. If, after polishing off the last bit of kheer, you get the urge to sing, zip on over to the karaoke bar two blocks away. It's all up to you. There's no checking with the honey to see if she or he is in the mood, feeling well, likes the same food, or has to get up early the next morning. You have one and only one schedule to consult — yours.
I often hear married people lament about their single days when they had more freedom. So, if freedom is the thing that non-singles envy most, why not take the maximum advantage of it while you are still single? Find ways to tap into that spirit of spontaneity and fun. Try new activities that you've always wanted to try. Visit new places that you've never seen. Revel in the fact that you don't have to ask for permission or coordinate other schedules. Enjoy it now while you can, because if you ever do find that other person and build up a family, you may not have the same opportunity to just do something simply because you feel like doing it. Don't waste your limited time of freedom, holed up, sulking about how you don't have anyone to "share the experience" with. In truth, you may never get the chance to do some of these things once an "other" person is involved in the decision-making because they may not like it or have time for it.
Now, I realize that some single people, despite being single, may not have the luxury of being too spontaneous because of finances, job responsibilities, or family obligations like taking care of a child, parent, or pet. But one can still foster a spontaneous spirit, even if it has be done on a smaller scale. Call a college friend you haven't spoken to in years. Take your laptop out into the sunshine. Throw a mini-party for little Johnny with confetti, balloons, and a cake for just the two of you. Spend an afternoon with Grandma at the park instead of the living room. Take Fido for a run at the lake instead of the park. Plan your day with a pencil. Maintaining this attitude will help you deal with the drudgery that can set in when you're going through a long dry spell in the romance department. What's more, if that dry spell ever does end, a spirit of spontaneity can infuse life into a relationship and keep it continually fresh for a long time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)