Tip #22: Buy a house (or save to buy one)

I've mentioned in a few of these blog posts that one of the challenges the chronically single must face every day is how to convert selfishness into selflessness in order to prepare themselves for a lasting relationship, if the opportunity ever arises. There's another challenge faced by the chronically single, and that is how to turn transience into permanence.

What does that mean? When you're living for yourself, you often have the freedom to get up and go wherever you want, whenever you want. It's a perk, actually, of being single, and one that you can and should take advantage of. There is a downside to that freedom, though. Because it is so easy to go where the wind carries you, it is also more difficult to get into the mindset of laying down roots and establishing stability in your life.

A good way to create some of that stability is to purchase — or start planning to purchase — a house. Now, when I say "house" here, I mean it in the generic sense. It can be a ranch, a single family dwelling, a cottage, a condo, or a studio apartment. The type of "house" doesn't matter. What matters is that it is a living space that you own, as opposed to a place that you rent or live in for free.

When I was living by myself in college and after, I got so used to moving around that, even though I would go to a new place, I would still leave boxes packed for months. After all, it saved time between moves. I always lived under this cloud that, at any time, I might find myself drifting to another location.

But when I bought my condo, that attitude started to change. It wasn't the fact that I had a mortgage that was meant to last 30 years, but it was the realization that I now was in control of where I lived. No more security deposit. No more renewing my lease every year, wondering if the landlord was going to price me out onto the street. No more asking for permission to fix something or to install a new appliance. I owned my place now. My monthly payment was going into my own pocket as equity, not into my landlords' pockets to add to their profits. Only the people I personally gave a key to could come into my house; not some stranger under the pretense of "checking things out." I felt independent. I felt liberated. Yeah, the bank's name was on the deed, but as long as they got their check every month, I didn't have to see them, hear them, or talk to them. It still was mine, and I could decide how long I wanted to stay there and how quickly I would pay down the debt.

And yes, it is debt. No doubt about it. Big debt, actually. And besides the mortgage, there are property taxes, possible homeowners dues, insurance, and other costs involved in the upkeep of a house. But it's money that goes back to you as an investment. In some countries, you can even deduct the mortgage interest on your tax return. Despite the costs, there is a good feeling that comes with owning a home, and a sense of both stability and responsibility that is beneficial to the single adult.

Now, a house is a huge expense, and it takes a lot of future planning to afford one. It isn't even something that should be on your radar when you first embark upon your career. You should first focus on paying down existing debt — be it credit cards, student loans, what-have-you — before taking on a chunk of new debt. But after you have gotten those other debts down to manageable levels, you should seriously start thinking, planning, and saving for a home purchase.

But wait! Isn't the normal sequence of events that you: 1) graduate from college, 2) get a job, 3) get married, 4) have kids, and then 5) buy a house? How can you jump to step 5 before you've gone through step 3?

Because you can! Don't pay attention to the norm. Don't let a minor snag like marriage get in the way of living a full life. It's true that two incomes makes it easier to buy a home, but it isn't a requirement to buy as long as you maintain a good credit history. It certainly isn't a requirement to save to buy. Start thinking about it way in advance, and don't put any preconditions on it like "when I have someone to share it with." If you do happen to find a special someone, you'll be far ahead of the game. And if you don't... well, at least you'll still have a place to truly call your own.

Tip #21: Give

Now that's a four-letter word you can say all day. "Give" is such a small word but packs such a big punch. It is so contrary to human nature. When we come into the world, we are focused on a different four-letter word: "take." The only time we utter the word "give" is when we say "Give it to me! It's mine!" "Take" is the attitude of a child, and some people never grow out of that. Learning to give (without preconditions) is a result of maturing.

What do you give? Whatever you have to give. You might think I'm talking purely about financial gifts, but giving money to church and charity is only one kind of giving. There are a lot of other ways to give that don't cost a dime. Give your time to help someone in need, be it a friend or a stranger. Give your talents to a place where they can be of use. Give your wisdom to a younger generation. Give hospitality to a weary soul. Give encouragement to a person in the dumps. Give a meal. Give a birthday card. Give blood. Give respect and patronage to the arts. Give whatever it takes to become a giving person by nature, because a giving person is a loving person.

The biggest obstacle a single person has to overcome is learning how to live not for himself or herself, but for others. Many a relationship is dashed on the rocks when there is an inequality of giving. "Give and take" is the cliched phrase, but that's just another way of saying both people have to give in equal measure. If one takes more than she or he gives, it isn't a healthy situation. Develop a penchant for giving, and your odds of initiating and sustaining a successful relationship improve dramatically. And give without the expectation of getting back, even though giving does inevitably bring rewards, be they tangible or intangible.

Now, know up front that you can't instantly transform from taker to giver in a day, week, month, or even a year. In fact, you won't ever be able to turn around and say "I nailed it!" It's a process. It won't suddenly find you a companion, and the truth is, it won't end even if you do find a companion. An attitude of giving takes many many moons to develop, and the process will continue until the day you die. But the good thing is, you can start the process at any time. Right now, if you wish.

So the question is: what can you give today?