The third wheel. That's what they call it when a guy or gal tags along with a couple — a double date minus a half. It's supposed to be an unflattering term, implicitly saying "hey, buddy, why don't you get your own date instead of being an appendage onto someone else's?" But what if you don't have that obligatory date? It can sure make you feel like an unwanted intruder at times, and adds to a stigma that is already difficult to overcome. Who likes being branded as a third wheel? It's like being called a third eye, a third leg, a third arm, a third ear, or if you are a man, a third you-know-what. It suggests deformity and abnormality. A third anything upsets the symmetry and balance that our sensibilities often crave, so how can hanging out with couples be something that helps you cope with the single life that goes on forever?
First, it's educational to observe what successful couples say or do to each other, and just as important, what they don't say or do to each other. Singles often struggle with the ideal of what a romantic relationship should be like versus what it actually is. This goes for both those who have been in past relationships and those who haven't. Seeing how real couples interact can help dispel those myths and set proper expectations.
Second, there is the overall aspect of friendship. The more diverse our friendships are, the more diverse our communication becomes, and that includes communicating with couples who have a different mindset than singles. I won't go into any more detail on this as it is already covered in my Tip #5: Diversify your relationship portfolio.
Third — and this is something I have only heard from others — it's good for the couple. They too are looking for variety, and having an occasional third come along helps break the monotony. Even the tightest of couples can't spend every waking hour of every day alone with each other. They often like having somebody else to talk to and share life with when they go out on non-dates. It's good for them, it's good for you, it's a win-win.
Except for one little complication — when you develop an attraction to one of them. It doesn't always happen. It's the rare exception rather than the norm. But it can happen, it does happen, and if it happens there are three possible responses: one is good, one is bad, and one is just plain ugly.
(Before I continue, I must first fully disclose that I am discussing a hypothetical situation and I am not personally experiencing these feelings among any of my coupled friends, so don't freak out, guys.)
First, the ugly: Division. You try to break them up. Yes, some people do resort to this. And yes, once in a blue moon, it turns out all right because everyone finds out who they truly belong with. But just because there are a tiny handful of successful cases, it doesn't make it any less sleazy or disgusting to do it. It makes a great movie plot, but it's terrible for relationships. Few things are worse than having someone you deeply trust steal something you deeply treasure. And if you believe that what goes around comes around, you are setting yourself up (rightly so) for the same thing to happen to you, with the pain magnified a thousand times. I'd never do such a deplorable thing and have no sympathy for those who do, but in the end, everyone has to live with their own conscience.
Next, the bad: Withdrawal. You decide you can't possibly be around them anymore because you can't control your romantic feelings and you rationalize that everyone would be more at peace if you just weren't there. In a few cases, that may be the only plausible course of action, but there's no escaping the fact that you're going to end up hurting somebody other than yourself. The couple will soon notice or realize that you don't want to spend the time you once did with them and inevitably ask the question why. Then you have a dilemma. If you tell them the truth, the bank account of trust you built with them will be wiped clean. Though not as bad as blowing up the bank, as would happen with the previous response, it essentially zeroes out your balance as quickly as a wrong spin on Wheel of Fortune. On the other hand, if you lie to them, they'll forever wonder what the hell happened and what they might have done to drive you away. If division is aggressive destruction, withdrawal is passive destruction.
Finally, the good. Acceptance. Though often the hardest response, it is the right one if you want to maintain the friendship. After all, people can be "just friends" without being romantically linked. Face it: this person, this object of your affection, loves somebody else more than you. It's the way it is; deal with it. Appreciate the other positive aspects of the friendship. Enjoy the freedom from romantic entanglements. Platonic relationships can be the best kind of relationships. There are no assumptions and no expectations. Take comfort in that, because whether or not you ever find romance, you still will have those friendships to fall back on, be it one person or two.
8/23/2011
8/04/2011
Tip #11: Attend weddings
Ah, weddings. They have a mystique that's all their own. Songs are sung about them. Compositions, books, films, poems, and plays are written about them. There's even a whole slew of reality TV shows about them. It's enough to make you sick, really. For those who are not in any kind of committed relationship, going to a wedding can feel like going back to a high school graduation as an adult. Unless close friends or family are involved, all the pomp and circumstance, the warm hugs, the cozy feelings, the gifts, the excitement about starting a new chapter in life can seem a bit distant. Even if you had the experience of graduating high school, you're aware that there is simply no way you can truly share in the joy of those teenage kids and their peers. They are at a different station in life. You've already moved on past that, and it can never be recaptured.
With weddings and unmarried singles, it's more or less the inverse. The couple is at a different station in life that the single person hasn't yet reached and cannot identify with. For divorced singles, a wedding can be a painful reminder of mistakes gone by, and for widowed singles, it can be a painful reminder of what no longer exists. They often come in waves too. The wedding season can hang above you like a rainbow that is in plain sight but can't be grasped in your hands. Indeed, unless you happen to be in the wedding party as a groomsman, bridesmaid, or whatever, there can be a temptation to just skip it. I don't blame you. After all, why would you want to subject yourself to an environment where you will just walk away feeling empty?
Because, if you don't go, you will feel even emptier.
If you've been invited to a wedding, make every effort to go. Don't dwell on the fact that it seems foreign, and don't feel bad if you don't have someone to go with. The joy of a wedding stands well enough on its own. Remember that not everyone gets invited to a wedding, so the fact that the couple reached out to you specifically shows that they value you as a person and want you to share in their happiness. (At least that's the attitude you should have, even if you possess inside knowledge about other reasons why they are inviting you.) Don't go with the single intention of fulfilling an obligation or "meeting someone." Go to honor the couple. Go for the sake of marriage itself. Marriage is a dying institution in some respects, but there is still something about a wedding that provides a ray of hope when two people commit their lives to each other. At least that's what it is supposed to be. I know that there are all kinds of complicated scenarios where a wedding can be more of curse than a blessing. Maybe those kinds of weddings are better to avoid, but in that case it should be for external reasons beyond your own selfish desire to boycott weddings because you're bitter about not seeing marriage on your own horizon. Consider for a moment that life isn't always about you.
I could end this post right there, but I feel the need to expand upon one particular type of complication that may be in play when deciding whether to attend a wedding. What if you happened to have — let us say — a "history" with one or both of the people getting married? The history may be real or it may be imagined. Should you still go? Of course. And why should you if it will only magnify the pain you might already feel? Because for the human psyche, closure is key. If the history is imagined (for example, unrequited love) the wedding should give you a final reality check that the person is not into you, period. If the history is real (for example, a former relationship) there's something to be said about the fact that you were still invited. You may have been invited out of sympathy or you may have been invited out of spite, but either way, seeing with your own eyes that this is the end should help put it to rest. You can't hold on to old wounds forever. You need to put the past behind you and move forward, because otherwise it will constantly be a hindrance in your own quest to find someone that will put you on the wedding stage rather than in the wedding audience.
With weddings and unmarried singles, it's more or less the inverse. The couple is at a different station in life that the single person hasn't yet reached and cannot identify with. For divorced singles, a wedding can be a painful reminder of mistakes gone by, and for widowed singles, it can be a painful reminder of what no longer exists. They often come in waves too. The wedding season can hang above you like a rainbow that is in plain sight but can't be grasped in your hands. Indeed, unless you happen to be in the wedding party as a groomsman, bridesmaid, or whatever, there can be a temptation to just skip it. I don't blame you. After all, why would you want to subject yourself to an environment where you will just walk away feeling empty?
Because, if you don't go, you will feel even emptier.
If you've been invited to a wedding, make every effort to go. Don't dwell on the fact that it seems foreign, and don't feel bad if you don't have someone to go with. The joy of a wedding stands well enough on its own. Remember that not everyone gets invited to a wedding, so the fact that the couple reached out to you specifically shows that they value you as a person and want you to share in their happiness. (At least that's the attitude you should have, even if you possess inside knowledge about other reasons why they are inviting you.) Don't go with the single intention of fulfilling an obligation or "meeting someone." Go to honor the couple. Go for the sake of marriage itself. Marriage is a dying institution in some respects, but there is still something about a wedding that provides a ray of hope when two people commit their lives to each other. At least that's what it is supposed to be. I know that there are all kinds of complicated scenarios where a wedding can be more of curse than a blessing. Maybe those kinds of weddings are better to avoid, but in that case it should be for external reasons beyond your own selfish desire to boycott weddings because you're bitter about not seeing marriage on your own horizon. Consider for a moment that life isn't always about you.
I could end this post right there, but I feel the need to expand upon one particular type of complication that may be in play when deciding whether to attend a wedding. What if you happened to have — let us say — a "history" with one or both of the people getting married? The history may be real or it may be imagined. Should you still go? Of course. And why should you if it will only magnify the pain you might already feel? Because for the human psyche, closure is key. If the history is imagined (for example, unrequited love) the wedding should give you a final reality check that the person is not into you, period. If the history is real (for example, a former relationship) there's something to be said about the fact that you were still invited. You may have been invited out of sympathy or you may have been invited out of spite, but either way, seeing with your own eyes that this is the end should help put it to rest. You can't hold on to old wounds forever. You need to put the past behind you and move forward, because otherwise it will constantly be a hindrance in your own quest to find someone that will put you on the wedding stage rather than in the wedding audience.
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