Tip #28: Know what (not who) you want

This is the third entry in a mini-series on the anticipation phase of singleness — the time between when you make the mental decision to get serious about finding somebody, and the time when you choose who you want to start going out with. The anticipation phase can also be called the exploration phase, not only because you are exploring what is out there, but also because you are exploring what is within yourself. Before making a serious charge into the dating scene — serious meaning that an actual relationship is your goal — you need to be clear on what you want in a partner.

I say "what" not "who" because it is very easy to get swept away by an intriguing person who is totally unfit for you. That might suffice if you're looking for a bit of short-term fun, but it's not the kind of thing you're going to pin any long-term hopes on. Dating is about finding the right fit for who you are as a person — the private You that only you know. The You that doesn't get displayed to the outside world. Everybody has their public face and their private face. You do, and the people you will meet in the dating world do. Upon meeting them, you don't know exactly what they are looking for, just like they don't know exactly what you are looking for. That's normal and acceptable — after all, that's why you date. But what is not acceptable or advisable is when you don't know exactly what you are looking for. Getting serious means having direction, and having direction means having clear principles about what you're searching for. If you don't have clear principles, if you still fumble and utter confusing generalities when asked "what do you want", then you're just not ready to date seriously, plain and simple.

What are those principles? They are the things that agree with the inner You: your values, your life goals, your energy level, your personality traits, your maturity, your intelligence, and your overall psychological and emotional profile. Physical attraction is nice. Common interests and hobbies are nice. But those are merely an entry point, an introduction to start getting to know someone more. Once you get past that — and you'll get past it pretty quickly — there comes a decision of whether it's worth taking things further than "nice getting to know you." But how can you make that decision unless you are clear about what you are seeking? 

Having that clarity will help you look beyond physical attraction and fun conversation, and will set the appropriate standard for exactly the kind of partner you are seeking. It is the yardstick by which you should measure all of your interactions with potential mates. The earlier you make the determination, the better it will be for all involved, before any significant amount of time and effort have been invested.

Tip #27: Stay positive

Equally as important as believing in yourself is believing that everything you're doing is going to work out, sooner or later. When trying to make a good first impression, it is natural to want to second-guess yourself, to think about what you did right or wrong in each interaction, and whether you did enough to attract the person you desire. But that leads to over-obsession and distraction from your goal, which is to start a relationship with this awesome girl or guy you just met, or someone of equal awesomeness that you have yet to meet. In either case, it is crucial to stay positive while the waiting game stretches on.

No matter how many ups and downs you experience, always look at it in the context of the end goal. That means, if the interaction goes well, say to yourself: "That was great. Next time, it will be better!" If the interaction does not go so well, say to yourself: "That's okay. Next time, it will be better!" Repeat this drill with every person you talk to. Now, the reality is, sometimes the next time won't be better, or may not even happen at all; but that's all right. Be okay with rejection. If you maintain a positive mindset, and believe the next time will be better, in most cases, the next time will be better. Certainly, it will be better where it matters most, and with WHOM it matters most. But, you have to believe it; don't be your own worst enemy.

This may all sound like a bunch of self-realization nonsense when you're used to things always falling apart, but here's a hard truth. Unchecked negativity will snowball into more and more negativity until it eventually becomes a tomb of bitterness that you will be unable to escape from. It's no fun being around negative people, and though you might try to hide it, the best individuals are overly sensitive to detecting negativity. Positivity, on the other hand, is infectious and attractive, and helps you stay in the game for the long haul. Stay positive — even self-delusional, if need be — and you will keep from succumbing to the frustration that is especially potent during the anticipation phase.

Tip #26: Believe in yourself

This is going to sound an awful lot like my very first tip, love yourself, but there is a slightly different nuance in the context of "looking to date somebody." Sure, you need to love yourself because that's who you will spend most of your time with prior to being in a relationship. I don't need to rehash that. But besides loving yourself, you also have to believe in yourself as far as being and becoming the kind of person that somebody is looking to date.

When you've been single for a very, very, very, very long time, it is only natural to have self-doubt about whether anyone would even like to be in a relationship with you. As opportunities continue to fall apart before they solidify, there is the temptation to just give in to defeatism and say "Oh well, I guess I'm just not the kind of person somebody else could love." But that's simply another way of saying "I hate myself." If you are truly loving yourself as explained in tip #1, then naturally you should also believe that if you love you, anybody can love you. In fact, not only are you lovable, but you are worthy and even deserving of love. What this kind of thinking does is give you a new perspective on how you go about in your interactions with potential mates. Now, you are not in the position of trying to prove your self-worth to somebody you like, but rather, you are evaluating that person to see if his or her worth measures up to your own. In a sense, you've become the buyer instead of the seller.

This may sound a bit self-centered, but actually it isn't. If you have a high opinion of yourself, you should know that you absolutely deserve what is best for you, and you already know how much you would be worth to somebody else, without having to convince anybody. You can actually be comfortable with being yourself, because you are awesome. You are a unique individual, you are the cream of the crop, and anyone — ANYone, even the man or woman of your dreams — who doesn't see that isn't worth the emotional effort. Period.

There is a word for this state of mind. It's called "self-confidence" which is immensely attractive in both men and women. Not a cocky kind of confidence, but a quiet kind of confidence that says "I know who I am, and I'm ready to embark upon a new adventure with someone who can live up to the challenge." The people you meet will pick up on this attitude, and you will immediately start out on the right foot when you first introduce yourself to them. Even if nothing happens right away, it will lay the groundwork for more a comfortable and familiar interaction the next time you run into them, and already sets you apart from the field before any kind of closer relationship transpires.

Phase shifting

I last left off with a blog entry to "get serious" about seeking out a relationship if that is what you truly desire. I said it would be my last entry, and I meant it. It was the last entry regarding the subject of coping with the single life that lasts forever, of being comfortable with the singleness you find yourself in, whether willingly or unwillingly.

But how could I tell you what to do and claim any kind of authority without actually doing it myself and following my own advice? So, in order to avoid being a hypocrite, I realized I had to get serious about getting serious.

And so I did. It was a big change for me, having lived much of my life being not serious. It was a shift to new "phase" where I would start actively pursuing a relationship, being purposeful about finding a partner in love rather than passively waiting for the stars to align. I turned up the volume on my social life to 11, set aside some of my other passions, and started going to places and participating in activities that were not only fun to do (remember tip #2), but also afforded the opportunity to meet more people, single people — and single women in particular.

Now, what often happens when you determine to make a life change is that life started to throw new things at you. Because you've opened the door to change, change invites itself in and makes itself at home. At that point, you can decide to either be a good host and entertain change, or to kick change out of the house and return to your safe and comfortable environment. I chose the former.

The result was that, approximately four months after I wrote that last blog entry, I met the woman that would eventually become my girlfriend.

Now, you may decide to stop reading right there. That's fine. Go ahead. I won't blame you. I might do the same in your position. I'd think "Great, he's got a girlfriend. Whoop-de-doo for him. I still don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend. I'm not interested in hearing his story because it will just make me more angry about what I don't have. It's not fair he has somebody and I'm just as good or better and I have nobody. He can't relate to my problems anymore like he did before. Nothing he can say from this point forward will apply to me, so I'm just going to shut down this page and go back to reading something else. Thanks and goodbye."

You could do that, or you could continue reading because this blog is about to shift to a new topic, still related to singleness, but not to perpetual singleness. Given the new circumstance I find myself in, I obviously cannot genuinely discuss coping with complete and utter loneliness. But I can discuss, to the best of my ability, my impressions of this new life phase — dating and the moments leading up to dating. Even if you are not in a new dating relationship just yet, the insights could still be informative as far as what to expect if and when the "meet" happens, and how to deal with what comes immediately after the "meet".

The first few entries won't dive into the heart of the dating phase, but rather will focus on what I call the anticipation phase — the time right after you meet the person, while you wait for something real to develop with him or her. I always hated it when couples skip over this phase when talking about the early days of their relationship before they were officially "together." They usually start off with a cute story about where and how they first met, followed by something like "and then, you know, one thing led to another, and pretty soon we were dating..."

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whooooa! Wait a second! I know it didn't just happen like that. I don't care what you say. What do you mean "one thing led to another?" Obviously, there was some time between meeting and when you started dating. How long did that take and what did that time feel like? They might then say something like "well, I knew she liked me and I liked her, and..." Stop! Describe the period leading up to that revelation and afterwards when the relationship turned. The frustrating thing is that they can't seem to remember, either because the time was too short, like the brief flash before the sunrise, or too unpleasant, because it was full of fear, uncertainty, and doubt, and they were so relieved to finally get to the dating part that they blocked the anticipation part from their memory.

I'm not going to pull that on you. I will describe the anticipation phase in detail, what the emotions are like, and how to survive it. Once that part is out of the way, then I can start going into more of the dating phase, what that emotional journey is like, and how to cope with it. Hopefully by then I'll also have more experience with it and can give better advice. There's a learning curve, for sure, but that's also what makes it exciting.

So, onward to a new phase!