Tip #2: It's not about "meeting" people

In the introduction to this blog, I warned that I might say things that defy conventional wisdom. Well here's one example. The single life is not, as you might expect, all about meeting people.

You might think so, with all the hype you hear around you. Your friends and family are always asking if you've met someone yet (and offering to arrange a meeting if not). Subscription-based matchmaking services make billions of dollars every year providing creative and even scientific ways of getting people to meet each other. Hundreds of organizations put together singles events, often with a fee, to provide a forum for people to meet each other. Social networking sites rake in buckets of ad revenue, all surrounding people that are meeting each other. Bars and nightclubs around the world look forward to each weekend, knowing that lost singles are going to come by and pound drinks back until the wee hours of the morning, all driven by a desire to meet people. If you add it all up, the money behind the business of meeting is staggering.

"What's wrong with that?" you ask. "As a single, I want to meet someone so I don't have to be single anymore, damnit!" Yes, of course, and there's nothing inherently wrong with that. If the options in your daily life are limited, and you do eventually want to find that special someone, you will need to expand the pool and meet more people. But it's not about meeting people. Let me explain.

We all meet people everyday, but the differentiator we're talking about is whether a person we meet can be considered a romantic option. That is a very complicated formula which changes from moment to moment. Ever tried to aim at a moving target? Think about the last time you were trying to swat a fly or mosquito in mid-air. Frustrating, isn't it? It's the same thing when it comes to finding the right person at the right time. When you become preoccupied with finding the right setting to meet someone, it just adds to the frustration each time you come away having not met them.

The perspective you must take, then, is simply that you'll have a good time, whether or not you actually meet anyone. So, go ahead and attend that book club if you really do have a deep-seated interest in analyzing the soul of Emily Dickinson, or attend that mixed martial arts demonstration if you are truly interested in studying the finer arts of causing physical pain. But if you're going simply because you think you'll meet someone, and wouldn't be caught dead in the place otherwise, do yourself a favor and don't go. What if you show up and find that the club is composed entirely of women that look like your ex-girlfriend's grandmother, or that the MMA demonstration is attended by guys who look like your ex-boyfriend's scary half-brother? You'll sulk through that whole session, looking at your watch, wishing you had opted to spend your time on something much more pleasurable, like cleaning out the fish bowl. Even worse, what if you run into one of those women or men a month later at the grocery store and are asked why you never came back after that first meeting. Awk-ward.

There's another negative side effect of this compulsive need to meet — desperation. In a recent relationship article I read (yes, I do read them — call it research), the author, Dr. Gilda Carle, stated "The irony of love is that those who are not desperate for it find it readily. Those who are overly anxious for it can end up alone." A harsh statement, but generally true according to several of my married friends. It's very easy to become desperate when years go by with no results in the love department. But the focus should be on loving life, and doing the things you love, not finding the one to love. Does this low-key attitude guarantee that you will find love faster? Not at all. It is still a possibility that you will never meet the right person. However, at least you'll be doing things you enjoy, and if you just so happen to meet someone doing that same thing you enjoy...that's icing on the cake. Common interests are a good way to start a relationship.