Up until now, all the posts in this blog have been keeping with the subject: coping with the single life that goes on forever. They provided practical tips on how to find fulfillment in a life that is absent of a significant other. Quite purposely, they haven't tackled the single part head-on.
Now, if you are happy and satisfied with your single life, and are content for it to go on forever, then may I proudly say you've come to the end of this series and I hope you continue to live out a life of fulfillment and happiness.
But what about if you've had enough of the single life that goes on forever, and actually want forever to end? That's what I hope to address in this final entry, so if that's you, keep on reading.
At some point, you may decide that you're just plain fed up with being single. Perhaps you've already reached that point, and even shot way past it years ago. How do you deal with it? Well, it may cause you to roll your eyes or maybe even resent me for saying it, but the bottom line is, you need to get serious. Yes, get serious about ending the drought. What does that mean, exactly? It means you have to come to a peace within yourself about what you truly want. Do you want to have a relationship? No, I mean, seriously, do you want to have a relationship?
You might say, "Yeah, it would be nice" and again I say, do you want to to have a relationship?
"Well, sure, I'd like to if the opportunity is there, or I meet a good person and things progress." No, but do you want to have a relationship? Are you ready for all that it entails? Are you ready to take on the time commitment? The emotional commitment? Sometimes even a financial commitment? Are you ready to take on the risk for the chance of the reward?
Because if you do want a relationship, and are ready to take on a radical change in your everyday life, you need to start acting like it. Set the goal for yourself, actively pursue that goal, and continue to persevere even through failure. You can spend your whole life just floating along, keeping everyone at arm's length, not really committed to ending your singleness, and then guess what? You'll end up single, because that is truly what you wanted deep down inside. Even though you may say that's not the case, your actions will speak otherwise.
Now, there's nothing wrong with being single. People can live very happy and satisfying single lives if that is what they desire. But if singleness is not something you desire, then what do you want? I'm not saying you need to be desperate and take whatever comes along. Of course not. But you do have to have focus. If you don't, prospects will pick up on that and move on to someone who is more certain of what they want. This goes for both men and women.
You must first decide what you want and then take proactive steps to achieve it. And it's a big decision. Take your time with it, have a heart-to-heart talk with trusted friends and especially yourself, and firmly stand behind the final verdict. Clarity of mind does wonders for relieving frustration.
So I leave you with this: What do you really want? Are you willing to reach for it? And what do you intend to do to obtain it?
The answers lie in your hands, and yours alone.
10/08/2012
8/31/2012
Tip #24: Talk about it
When you've been single for a very, very, very long time, and you're getting sick of it, the last thing you want to do is talk about the very situation that causes you so much frustration. The problem is made even worse when certain people around you feel obligated to remind you of it on a near-weekly basis. It's not a state of denial where you can't admit your situation; rather, you are fully aware of the situation and feel oppressed by it. So, you make every effort to avoid broaching the subject, and if the topic ever comes up in conversation, you change the discussion, pretend you didn't hear it, or fire back with retorts of "leave me alone already!"
Unfortunately, though, avoidance is the worst coping strategy you can use, because eventually people will stop talking to you about it and go on with their lives, leaving you to struggle with your internal emotions all on your own. And like an airtight lid on a plastic container inside a microwave set at 100% power, the tumult in the depths of your being can lead to a complete and utter meltdown when you bottle it up for an extended period of time. (Did I just write that? Damn, that's good!)
Like that poor piece of Tupperware, every person needs to be able to vent the steam building within them, so talking about your frustrations with singleness, unfulfilled hopes, and the ticking clock can be a therapeutic exercise for the lonely adult. I'm not saying you make it the only topic of conversation, because then people will ask you to leave them alone, but you shouldn't shy away from talking about it. Talk about it with the people you love and trust the most among your family and/or friends. Talk about it to a spiritual adviser or guide. Talk to yourself about it while you take a long walk around the neighborhood. This is an especially good opportunity to call on the couples you started hanging out with after you read my tip #12, because they too were single once and shared the same frustrations, but they found a way out of it and can help you keep up your hopes through words of advice and encouragement.
Just don't be afraid to talk about it. It will help you deal with the feelings and sort out what you need to do and the attitude you need to have to continue onward.
Unfortunately, though, avoidance is the worst coping strategy you can use, because eventually people will stop talking to you about it and go on with their lives, leaving you to struggle with your internal emotions all on your own. And like an airtight lid on a plastic container inside a microwave set at 100% power, the tumult in the depths of your being can lead to a complete and utter meltdown when you bottle it up for an extended period of time. (Did I just write that? Damn, that's good!)
Like that poor piece of Tupperware, every person needs to be able to vent the steam building within them, so talking about your frustrations with singleness, unfulfilled hopes, and the ticking clock can be a therapeutic exercise for the lonely adult. I'm not saying you make it the only topic of conversation, because then people will ask you to leave them alone, but you shouldn't shy away from talking about it. Talk about it with the people you love and trust the most among your family and/or friends. Talk about it to a spiritual adviser or guide. Talk to yourself about it while you take a long walk around the neighborhood. This is an especially good opportunity to call on the couples you started hanging out with after you read my tip #12, because they too were single once and shared the same frustrations, but they found a way out of it and can help you keep up your hopes through words of advice and encouragement.
Just don't be afraid to talk about it. It will help you deal with the feelings and sort out what you need to do and the attitude you need to have to continue onward.
8/01/2012
Tip #23: Take on a long-term project
Continuing the discussion about permanence and stability for the single life that lasts forever, there are things you can do in the meantime while you are waiting that will keep yourself preoccupied and still give you that sense of settling in for the long haul. I'm talking about "projects," that is, long-term projects that take months or years to bring to fruition.
The kind of long-term project is up to you, and I've talked about some of them in previous blog entries (taking on new hobbies, for example). There are endless possibilities; it's just a matter of finding what interests you and what you can afford. Whether it's cultivating a flower, herb, or vegetable garden, reading or writing a grand novel, constructing a furniture piece, restoring a car or a boat, weaving a tapestry, solving a puzzle, composing a song, building an unusual collection, designing an art piece, or yes, even formulating a blog — the purpose is to get out of the transitory mindset that you could be jumping somewhere else any day. When you've invested considerable effort in something that is yet unfinished, you're more inclined to want to stay and see it through to completion. That's a good thing.
Seeing your project grow and develop surely provides a sense of permanence and even personal satisfaction, but projects also produce a secondary effect which is beneficial to the single adult. Long-term projects take patience and tenacity to make them successful. Relationships do too. Forcing yourself to stick with something for an extended period of time is a good way to sharpen those useful skills that might help down the road, should the road take you down there. It also helps fight boredom and frustration while you wait and wait and wait and wait and wait. It gives you some kind of goal to look towards, so that time doesn't seem to crawl as slowly as it does.
The kind of long-term project is up to you, and I've talked about some of them in previous blog entries (taking on new hobbies, for example). There are endless possibilities; it's just a matter of finding what interests you and what you can afford. Whether it's cultivating a flower, herb, or vegetable garden, reading or writing a grand novel, constructing a furniture piece, restoring a car or a boat, weaving a tapestry, solving a puzzle, composing a song, building an unusual collection, designing an art piece, or yes, even formulating a blog — the purpose is to get out of the transitory mindset that you could be jumping somewhere else any day. When you've invested considerable effort in something that is yet unfinished, you're more inclined to want to stay and see it through to completion. That's a good thing.
Seeing your project grow and develop surely provides a sense of permanence and even personal satisfaction, but projects also produce a secondary effect which is beneficial to the single adult. Long-term projects take patience and tenacity to make them successful. Relationships do too. Forcing yourself to stick with something for an extended period of time is a good way to sharpen those useful skills that might help down the road, should the road take you down there. It also helps fight boredom and frustration while you wait and wait and wait and wait and wait. It gives you some kind of goal to look towards, so that time doesn't seem to crawl as slowly as it does.
7/22/2012
Tip #22: Buy a house (or save to buy one)
I've mentioned in a few of these blog posts that one of the challenges the chronically single must face every day is how to convert selfishness into selflessness in order to prepare themselves for a lasting relationship, if the opportunity ever arises. There's another challenge faced by the chronically single, and that is how to turn transience into permanence.
What does that mean? When you're living for yourself, you often have the freedom to get up and go wherever you want, whenever you want. It's a perk, actually, of being single, and one that you can and should take advantage of. There is a downside to that freedom, though. Because it is so easy to go where the wind carries you, it is also more difficult to get into the mindset of laying down roots and establishing stability in your life.
A good way to create some of that stability is to purchase — or start planning to purchase — a house. Now, when I say "house" here, I mean it in the generic sense. It can be a ranch, a single family dwelling, a cottage, a condo, or a studio apartment. The type of "house" doesn't matter. What matters is that it is a living space that you own, as opposed to a place that you rent or live in for free.
When I was living by myself in college and after, I got so used to moving around that, even though I would go to a new place, I would still leave boxes packed for months. After all, it saved time between moves. I always lived under this cloud that, at any time, I might find myself drifting to another location.
But when I bought my condo, that attitude started to change. It wasn't the fact that I had a mortgage that was meant to last 30 years, but it was the realization that I now was in control of where I lived. No more security deposit. No more renewing my lease every year, wondering if the landlord was going to price me out onto the street. No more asking for permission to fix something or to install a new appliance. I owned my place now. My monthly payment was going into my own pocket as equity, not into my landlords' pockets to add to their profits. Only the people I personally gave a key to could come into my house; not some stranger under the pretense of "checking things out." I felt independent. I felt liberated. Yeah, the bank's name was on the deed, but as long as they got their check every month, I didn't have to see them, hear them, or talk to them. It still was mine, and I could decide how long I wanted to stay there and how quickly I would pay down the debt.
And yes, it is debt. No doubt about it. Big debt, actually. And besides the mortgage, there are property taxes, possible homeowners dues, insurance, and other costs involved in the upkeep of a house. But it's money that goes back to you as an investment. In some countries, you can even deduct the mortgage interest on your tax return. Despite the costs, there is a good feeling that comes with owning a home, and a sense of both stability and responsibility that is beneficial to the single adult.
Now, a house is a huge expense, and it takes a lot of future planning to afford one. It isn't even something that should be on your radar when you first embark upon your career. You should first focus on paying down existing debt — be it credit cards, student loans, what-have-you — before taking on a chunk of new debt. But after you have gotten those other debts down to manageable levels, you should seriously start thinking, planning, and saving for a home purchase.
But wait! Isn't the normal sequence of events that you: 1) graduate from college, 2) get a job, 3) get married, 4) have kids, and then 5) buy a house? How can you jump to step 5 before you've gone through step 3?
Because you can! Don't pay attention to the norm. Don't let a minor snag like marriage get in the way of living a full life. It's true that two incomes makes it easier to buy a home, but it isn't a requirement to buy as long as you maintain a good credit history. It certainly isn't a requirement to save to buy. Start thinking about it way in advance, and don't put any preconditions on it like "when I have someone to share it with." If you do happen to find a special someone, you'll be far ahead of the game. And if you don't... well, at least you'll still have a place to truly call your own.
What does that mean? When you're living for yourself, you often have the freedom to get up and go wherever you want, whenever you want. It's a perk, actually, of being single, and one that you can and should take advantage of. There is a downside to that freedom, though. Because it is so easy to go where the wind carries you, it is also more difficult to get into the mindset of laying down roots and establishing stability in your life.
A good way to create some of that stability is to purchase — or start planning to purchase — a house. Now, when I say "house" here, I mean it in the generic sense. It can be a ranch, a single family dwelling, a cottage, a condo, or a studio apartment. The type of "house" doesn't matter. What matters is that it is a living space that you own, as opposed to a place that you rent or live in for free.
When I was living by myself in college and after, I got so used to moving around that, even though I would go to a new place, I would still leave boxes packed for months. After all, it saved time between moves. I always lived under this cloud that, at any time, I might find myself drifting to another location.
But when I bought my condo, that attitude started to change. It wasn't the fact that I had a mortgage that was meant to last 30 years, but it was the realization that I now was in control of where I lived. No more security deposit. No more renewing my lease every year, wondering if the landlord was going to price me out onto the street. No more asking for permission to fix something or to install a new appliance. I owned my place now. My monthly payment was going into my own pocket as equity, not into my landlords' pockets to add to their profits. Only the people I personally gave a key to could come into my house; not some stranger under the pretense of "checking things out." I felt independent. I felt liberated. Yeah, the bank's name was on the deed, but as long as they got their check every month, I didn't have to see them, hear them, or talk to them. It still was mine, and I could decide how long I wanted to stay there and how quickly I would pay down the debt.
And yes, it is debt. No doubt about it. Big debt, actually. And besides the mortgage, there are property taxes, possible homeowners dues, insurance, and other costs involved in the upkeep of a house. But it's money that goes back to you as an investment. In some countries, you can even deduct the mortgage interest on your tax return. Despite the costs, there is a good feeling that comes with owning a home, and a sense of both stability and responsibility that is beneficial to the single adult.
Now, a house is a huge expense, and it takes a lot of future planning to afford one. It isn't even something that should be on your radar when you first embark upon your career. You should first focus on paying down existing debt — be it credit cards, student loans, what-have-you — before taking on a chunk of new debt. But after you have gotten those other debts down to manageable levels, you should seriously start thinking, planning, and saving for a home purchase.
But wait! Isn't the normal sequence of events that you: 1) graduate from college, 2) get a job, 3) get married, 4) have kids, and then 5) buy a house? How can you jump to step 5 before you've gone through step 3?
Because you can! Don't pay attention to the norm. Don't let a minor snag like marriage get in the way of living a full life. It's true that two incomes makes it easier to buy a home, but it isn't a requirement to buy as long as you maintain a good credit history. It certainly isn't a requirement to save to buy. Start thinking about it way in advance, and don't put any preconditions on it like "when I have someone to share it with." If you do happen to find a special someone, you'll be far ahead of the game. And if you don't... well, at least you'll still have a place to truly call your own.
7/13/2012
Tip #21: Give
Now that's a four-letter word you can say all day. "Give" is such a small word but packs such a big punch. It is so contrary to human nature. When we come into the world, we are focused on a different four-letter word: "take." The only time we utter the word "give" is when we say "Give it to me! It's mine!" "Take" is the attitude of a child, and some people never grow out of that. Learning to give (without preconditions) is a result of maturing.
What do you give? Whatever you have to give. You might think I'm talking purely about financial gifts, but giving money to church and charity is only one kind of giving. There are a lot of other ways to give that don't cost a dime. Give your time to help someone in need, be it a friend or a stranger. Give your talents to a place where they can be of use. Give your wisdom to a younger generation. Give hospitality to a weary soul. Give encouragement to a person in the dumps. Give a meal. Give a birthday card. Give blood. Give respect and patronage to the arts. Give whatever it takes to become a giving person by nature, because a giving person is a loving person.
The biggest obstacle a single person has to overcome is learning how to live not for himself or herself, but for others. Many a relationship is dashed on the rocks when there is an inequality of giving. "Give and take" is the cliched phrase, but that's just another way of saying both people have to give in equal measure. If one takes more than she or he gives, it isn't a healthy situation. Develop a penchant for giving, and your odds of initiating and sustaining a successful relationship improve dramatically. And give without the expectation of getting back, even though giving does inevitably bring rewards, be they tangible or intangible.
Now, know up front that you can't instantly transform from taker to giver in a day, week, month, or even a year. In fact, you won't ever be able to turn around and say "I nailed it!" It's a process. It won't suddenly find you a companion, and the truth is, it won't end even if you do find a companion. An attitude of giving takes many many moons to develop, and the process will continue until the day you die. But the good thing is, you can start the process at any time. Right now, if you wish.
So the question is: what can you give today?
What do you give? Whatever you have to give. You might think I'm talking purely about financial gifts, but giving money to church and charity is only one kind of giving. There are a lot of other ways to give that don't cost a dime. Give your time to help someone in need, be it a friend or a stranger. Give your talents to a place where they can be of use. Give your wisdom to a younger generation. Give hospitality to a weary soul. Give encouragement to a person in the dumps. Give a meal. Give a birthday card. Give blood. Give respect and patronage to the arts. Give whatever it takes to become a giving person by nature, because a giving person is a loving person.
The biggest obstacle a single person has to overcome is learning how to live not for himself or herself, but for others. Many a relationship is dashed on the rocks when there is an inequality of giving. "Give and take" is the cliched phrase, but that's just another way of saying both people have to give in equal measure. If one takes more than she or he gives, it isn't a healthy situation. Develop a penchant for giving, and your odds of initiating and sustaining a successful relationship improve dramatically. And give without the expectation of getting back, even though giving does inevitably bring rewards, be they tangible or intangible.
Now, know up front that you can't instantly transform from taker to giver in a day, week, month, or even a year. In fact, you won't ever be able to turn around and say "I nailed it!" It's a process. It won't suddenly find you a companion, and the truth is, it won't end even if you do find a companion. An attitude of giving takes many many moons to develop, and the process will continue until the day you die. But the good thing is, you can start the process at any time. Right now, if you wish.
So the question is: what can you give today?
5/13/2012
The difference between wants and needs
The definition of a "want" versus a "need" is pretty straightforward. A "need" is something you must have and a "want" is something you'd really really like to have. Okay, so those aren't the actual definitions from the dictionary, but that's the gist of it. The terms are often bandied about in business as a way of saying "We have limited time and money, we can't do everything, so tell us what we should do first and foremost." It is necessary to make this same distinction in life, too, because we also have only so much time and money, so we must prioritize and concentrate on what is most important.
But it isn't enough just to separate wants from needs — there are also different classes of wants and needs. In fact, there is probably a whole spectrum, but since I'm only writing a blog and not a book, I'm going to keep things simple. I'll separate wants and needs into just four categories: survival needs, basic needs, comforts, and luxuries.
Survival needs: These are the things you must have in order to live. And I really mean "live" — as in, if you don't have them, you will literally die. There is a very small number of items in this category: air, food, water, clothing...and that's about it. Actually, even clothing is debatable since there are warm parts of the world where you can go naked and still survive, but for the sake of generalities, let's just say those are our four survival needs. Easy so far, right?
Basic needs: Now it gets a little more complicated. Basic needs are things that humans can and do live without, but life is very harsh without them. This includes modifiers onto the survival needs — nutritional food, clean water, warm clothing — and several other things we consider essential to living a "normal" life, such as shelter, heat, sanitation, utilities, education, a source of income, etc. The bar tends to be higher or lower depending on the prosperity of the environment where you live, and this is where we sometimes see clashes with the category of "comforts." We'll get to that in a second, but for the purposes of our discussion, let's just say that a basic need is something you technically can live without, particularly in the short term, but a long period of deprivation could lead to a reduced life.
Comforts: Moving over to the "want" side, comforts are things we don't — well — need in order to live an ordinary life, but they sure do make life a heck of a lot easier. These are things like a steady source of income, private transportation (e.g. cars), cable television, an Internet connection, and a cellular phone. When you live in a privileged society, these sorts of things can seem like needs, but in reality, they aren't technically required for day-to-day life. In fact, this entire category may exist only in privileged societies; many poorer parts of the world do just fine without these things and would consider them part of the next category — luxuries.
Luxuries: A luxury is something that does no more than add pleasure to life, and you wouldn't be any worse off if you never had it. These are the things that even a prosperous society considers to be "wants." Lots of things fit into this category such as entertainment sources, recreational activities, an investment fund, and even basic needs or comforts taken to larger extremes (bigger houses, fancier cars, smarter phones, brand name clothing, dining out, etc.). As you move up the wealth scale, some of these luxuries may be considered as comforts, but even so, there is no dispute that they are still clearly on the "want" side of the fence.
Okay, so this analysis is all very interesting, but what does it have to do with the subject of this blog, which is the single life that goes on forever? Well, it is relevant, because how we respond to our singleness depends on where we place relationships — and romantic relationships, in particular — along this scale of wants and needs. So which category do they belong to?
Is a relationship a survival need? Though a popular Jordin Sparks song may suggest otherwise, even the most desperate would concede that a relationship is not essential to survival, but after that things get a little fuzzier.
Is it a luxury? I won't go so far as to make such a blanket statement, although I know several single people where a relationship is exactly that — a luxury — because their lives are so full of other stuff that dedicating the time to fostering and growing a relationship is just not feasible. I don't criticize those people either, because I can totally understand and appreciate that sentiment having gone through the same phase in my own life on multiple occasions. But my guess is that those folks probably aren't reading this blog either, since the words here are aimed at the ones who struggle with relationship desires, and have been so aimed since the very first post 17 months ago.
So, if a romantic relationship isn't a survival need, and it isn't always a luxury, where does it lie?
Is it a basic need? I think this is where a lot of chronically single people place it, but look closely. Can you really put a romantic relationship on the same level as shelter, heat, health, sanitation, utilities, education, a source of income, etc.? Or are these things slightly more important in the greater scheme? Recall that basic needs are items that you can live without, but it would be a harsh life. Is a life without a significant other so harsh? It might be a bit less pleasant or a bit emptier, but harsh? Really? There are a lot of other things that would be much worse to live without.
So where does this leave us? By now, you see that the answer is obvious. It's a comfort, and therefore a "want," not a "need." A strong want, perhaps, but a want nonetheless. And if it's a want and not a need, it means you can live without it. It doesn't mean you have to, but you are able to and therefore can relax even when you don't have it. A romantic relationship might make life more comfortable, but some would attest that it could also make life much less comfortable if you end up in the wrong place by misconstruing the want as a need that must be filled. It isn't a need; don't treat it as such.
But it is still probably something you want. Strive to get it, but don't panic if you don't.
But it isn't enough just to separate wants from needs — there are also different classes of wants and needs. In fact, there is probably a whole spectrum, but since I'm only writing a blog and not a book, I'm going to keep things simple. I'll separate wants and needs into just four categories: survival needs, basic needs, comforts, and luxuries.
Survival needs: These are the things you must have in order to live. And I really mean "live" — as in, if you don't have them, you will literally die. There is a very small number of items in this category: air, food, water, clothing...and that's about it. Actually, even clothing is debatable since there are warm parts of the world where you can go naked and still survive, but for the sake of generalities, let's just say those are our four survival needs. Easy so far, right?
Basic needs: Now it gets a little more complicated. Basic needs are things that humans can and do live without, but life is very harsh without them. This includes modifiers onto the survival needs — nutritional food, clean water, warm clothing — and several other things we consider essential to living a "normal" life, such as shelter, heat, sanitation, utilities, education, a source of income, etc. The bar tends to be higher or lower depending on the prosperity of the environment where you live, and this is where we sometimes see clashes with the category of "comforts." We'll get to that in a second, but for the purposes of our discussion, let's just say that a basic need is something you technically can live without, particularly in the short term, but a long period of deprivation could lead to a reduced life.
Comforts: Moving over to the "want" side, comforts are things we don't — well — need in order to live an ordinary life, but they sure do make life a heck of a lot easier. These are things like a steady source of income, private transportation (e.g. cars), cable television, an Internet connection, and a cellular phone. When you live in a privileged society, these sorts of things can seem like needs, but in reality, they aren't technically required for day-to-day life. In fact, this entire category may exist only in privileged societies; many poorer parts of the world do just fine without these things and would consider them part of the next category — luxuries.
Luxuries: A luxury is something that does no more than add pleasure to life, and you wouldn't be any worse off if you never had it. These are the things that even a prosperous society considers to be "wants." Lots of things fit into this category such as entertainment sources, recreational activities, an investment fund, and even basic needs or comforts taken to larger extremes (bigger houses, fancier cars, smarter phones, brand name clothing, dining out, etc.). As you move up the wealth scale, some of these luxuries may be considered as comforts, but even so, there is no dispute that they are still clearly on the "want" side of the fence.
Okay, so this analysis is all very interesting, but what does it have to do with the subject of this blog, which is the single life that goes on forever? Well, it is relevant, because how we respond to our singleness depends on where we place relationships — and romantic relationships, in particular — along this scale of wants and needs. So which category do they belong to?
Is a relationship a survival need? Though a popular Jordin Sparks song may suggest otherwise, even the most desperate would concede that a relationship is not essential to survival, but after that things get a little fuzzier.
Is it a luxury? I won't go so far as to make such a blanket statement, although I know several single people where a relationship is exactly that — a luxury — because their lives are so full of other stuff that dedicating the time to fostering and growing a relationship is just not feasible. I don't criticize those people either, because I can totally understand and appreciate that sentiment having gone through the same phase in my own life on multiple occasions. But my guess is that those folks probably aren't reading this blog either, since the words here are aimed at the ones who struggle with relationship desires, and have been so aimed since the very first post 17 months ago.
So, if a romantic relationship isn't a survival need, and it isn't always a luxury, where does it lie?
Is it a basic need? I think this is where a lot of chronically single people place it, but look closely. Can you really put a romantic relationship on the same level as shelter, heat, health, sanitation, utilities, education, a source of income, etc.? Or are these things slightly more important in the greater scheme? Recall that basic needs are items that you can live without, but it would be a harsh life. Is a life without a significant other so harsh? It might be a bit less pleasant or a bit emptier, but harsh? Really? There are a lot of other things that would be much worse to live without.
So where does this leave us? By now, you see that the answer is obvious. It's a comfort, and therefore a "want," not a "need." A strong want, perhaps, but a want nonetheless. And if it's a want and not a need, it means you can live without it. It doesn't mean you have to, but you are able to and therefore can relax even when you don't have it. A romantic relationship might make life more comfortable, but some would attest that it could also make life much less comfortable if you end up in the wrong place by misconstruing the want as a need that must be filled. It isn't a need; don't treat it as such.
But it is still probably something you want. Strive to get it, but don't panic if you don't.
4/12/2012
Tip #20: Take a road trip once a year
Road trip!!
We all remember that refrain from our childhood days. It meant that we were going somewhere. Somewhere out of the ordinary. Somewhere different. Somewhere fun. Somewhere else. Whether it was an excursion with our classmates, friends, youth club peers, or family, it was something to look forward to. There was the potential for excitement. A new experience.
Then we got older. We took on more responsibility and road trips became more scarce. It meant booking the flight, hotel, car, etc., researching activities, asking for vacation time from our boss, having our shifts covered, making arrangements for house sitting or pet sitting, paying bills in advance, holding mail, and all the other nit-picky things that revolve around being away. We started to appreciate all the work our parents or chaperones did behind the scenes when we were kids. In those days, it was just a matter of finishing our homework and then getting up and going, but as adults, we realize there is a lot of planning that goes into road trips, and it becomes almost too burdensome to even think about it. Now that the onus is on us to put it all together, we tend to want to take the path of least resistance — procrastination. I'll go sometime "when things aren't so busy". I'll go sometime "when I can afford it." Or, my personal favorite, I'll go sometime "when I have someone to go with."
But when we do that, we just cheat ourselves out of having a good time. Just because we are on our own doesn't mean we should rule out the expeditions that used to stir excitement within us, and when you're single, you have more freedom than most to get up and go. You can go with a friend, or even go by yourself just to add to your own experiences. Yes, of course, arrangements still have to made back home, but you'll have more flexibility with just one schedule to coordinate than you would if you were obliged to bring a significant other along. Best of all, you get to do what you want; you don't have to please anyone else.
The type of road trip you choose will, obviously, be constrained by how much free time and money you have to spend, but it should not be an option to not take a trip. It is so easy to get into a rut; we need those moments when we can escape from the ordinary humdrum life we lead every day, so make it a point to go on a multi-day road trip at least once a year.
By the way, your annual big road trip does not have to be the only time you get out and see the world. There are plenty of opportunities for mini-road trips throughout the year — a day at the beach, a visit to the park to watch an outdoor concert, a ski run, a hiking or biking trail, whatever you enjoy. It could even be simply taking a little longer to get home by traveling the scenic route. The point is to enjoy your surroundings, even with just yourself as company. Having a good time is not contingent on having a companion.
We all remember that refrain from our childhood days. It meant that we were going somewhere. Somewhere out of the ordinary. Somewhere different. Somewhere fun. Somewhere else. Whether it was an excursion with our classmates, friends, youth club peers, or family, it was something to look forward to. There was the potential for excitement. A new experience.
Then we got older. We took on more responsibility and road trips became more scarce. It meant booking the flight, hotel, car, etc., researching activities, asking for vacation time from our boss, having our shifts covered, making arrangements for house sitting or pet sitting, paying bills in advance, holding mail, and all the other nit-picky things that revolve around being away. We started to appreciate all the work our parents or chaperones did behind the scenes when we were kids. In those days, it was just a matter of finishing our homework and then getting up and going, but as adults, we realize there is a lot of planning that goes into road trips, and it becomes almost too burdensome to even think about it. Now that the onus is on us to put it all together, we tend to want to take the path of least resistance — procrastination. I'll go sometime "when things aren't so busy". I'll go sometime "when I can afford it." Or, my personal favorite, I'll go sometime "when I have someone to go with."
But when we do that, we just cheat ourselves out of having a good time. Just because we are on our own doesn't mean we should rule out the expeditions that used to stir excitement within us, and when you're single, you have more freedom than most to get up and go. You can go with a friend, or even go by yourself just to add to your own experiences. Yes, of course, arrangements still have to made back home, but you'll have more flexibility with just one schedule to coordinate than you would if you were obliged to bring a significant other along. Best of all, you get to do what you want; you don't have to please anyone else.
The type of road trip you choose will, obviously, be constrained by how much free time and money you have to spend, but it should not be an option to not take a trip. It is so easy to get into a rut; we need those moments when we can escape from the ordinary humdrum life we lead every day, so make it a point to go on a multi-day road trip at least once a year.
By the way, your annual big road trip does not have to be the only time you get out and see the world. There are plenty of opportunities for mini-road trips throughout the year — a day at the beach, a visit to the park to watch an outdoor concert, a ski run, a hiking or biking trail, whatever you enjoy. It could even be simply taking a little longer to get home by traveling the scenic route. The point is to enjoy your surroundings, even with just yourself as company. Having a good time is not contingent on having a companion.
3/18/2012
Tip #19: Spend time with family
When you're single, it is important to have a support system. Oftentimes that comes from close friends, but even though your friends may be great, there is still a place for tapping into the support system you were born with — namely, your family.
Hold on! Family? Isn't that a given? For some it might be, but for many others it is easy to neglect putting in the time to keep those bonds strong. That could be either by choice or by necessity depending on whether the family situation is good or bad. One of the reasons why it took me so long to write this post is because family can be a polarizing topic and needs to be handled gingerly. Some people get along well with their families, and some do not. I'll touch on both below.
First, let's talk about singles that have a pleasant relationship with their families. Even if you live near or with your family, a busy life can quickly suck away the moments of quality time you should be spending with those that are closest to you. It is easy to take them for granted since they are, in effect, obligated to be a part of your life. But those relationships, like all others, require lubrication to keep them from rusting. It requires setting priorities on your time to make sure you keep the right balance between your inner circle and outer circle. If your family lives far away, it means putting effort into maintaining contact and even taking a vacation every now and again to see them. It is a good reminder to yourself that you are not alone and there are others that share your bloodline who care about your well-being (even if it's just hounding you about why you're not married yet). Make it a priority to keep your family involved in your life.
Now, let's talk about the flip side. Unfortunately, for some people, the word family conjures up memories that are not very fond. Broken relationships, violated trust, unhealed wounds, unsettled animosity...these are the scars that some have suffered as a result of the breakdown of the family structure. For singles that haven't started raising their own families yet, there is nothing to cover these scars, nothing to assure you that you have overcome these challenges and corrected the mistakes that shaped you. For singles that did have the chance to raise their own families, the fact that they are yet single means something didn't work out as hoped, and for that, the person may blame their own upbringing, adding pressure to the bruises that still persist years later. In light of this, is it worth revisiting the pains of the past when you are already dealing with the stigma of being alone? Should you still make the time to spend with family even in these circumstances?
You should, if possible.
Bitterness is one of the worst feelings to live with, and until those matters are settled, you will never truly be at peace. And if you are not at peace, it is hard to be optimistic about future relationships, romantic or otherwise, because there will always be this nagging feeling and stress about whether you risk repeating those mistakes that still gnaw at you to this day. Reconciliation is a great stress reliever, a salve to the soul. It doesn't necessarily mean convincing someone about who's right and who's wrong, because that may never happen. Rather, it is coming to an understanding about where each person is now, given what happened before and the irreversible decisions that followed.
Now, if this is your situation, I can tell you right away that this is a process and it isn't going to happen overnight. Given where everyone is at, reconciliation may not even be possible at this time (which is why I said "if possible" above). The issues may be years away from being resolved, but the goal shouldn't be completely thrown out the window. The timing has to be right and that involves maturing and growth on everyone's part. But little steps pave the way for bigger steps, and somebody has to make the first little step if it is ever going to reach a satisfactory conclusion. That first step may as well come from you. Perhaps you have tried and been rebuffed. Try again later. And if you get rebuffed again, keep trying. If anything, do it for your own peace and for your own benefit so that you can boil away the bitterness and live life as it should be lived.
Hold on! Family? Isn't that a given? For some it might be, but for many others it is easy to neglect putting in the time to keep those bonds strong. That could be either by choice or by necessity depending on whether the family situation is good or bad. One of the reasons why it took me so long to write this post is because family can be a polarizing topic and needs to be handled gingerly. Some people get along well with their families, and some do not. I'll touch on both below.
First, let's talk about singles that have a pleasant relationship with their families. Even if you live near or with your family, a busy life can quickly suck away the moments of quality time you should be spending with those that are closest to you. It is easy to take them for granted since they are, in effect, obligated to be a part of your life. But those relationships, like all others, require lubrication to keep them from rusting. It requires setting priorities on your time to make sure you keep the right balance between your inner circle and outer circle. If your family lives far away, it means putting effort into maintaining contact and even taking a vacation every now and again to see them. It is a good reminder to yourself that you are not alone and there are others that share your bloodline who care about your well-being (even if it's just hounding you about why you're not married yet). Make it a priority to keep your family involved in your life.
Now, let's talk about the flip side. Unfortunately, for some people, the word family conjures up memories that are not very fond. Broken relationships, violated trust, unhealed wounds, unsettled animosity...these are the scars that some have suffered as a result of the breakdown of the family structure. For singles that haven't started raising their own families yet, there is nothing to cover these scars, nothing to assure you that you have overcome these challenges and corrected the mistakes that shaped you. For singles that did have the chance to raise their own families, the fact that they are yet single means something didn't work out as hoped, and for that, the person may blame their own upbringing, adding pressure to the bruises that still persist years later. In light of this, is it worth revisiting the pains of the past when you are already dealing with the stigma of being alone? Should you still make the time to spend with family even in these circumstances?
You should, if possible.
Bitterness is one of the worst feelings to live with, and until those matters are settled, you will never truly be at peace. And if you are not at peace, it is hard to be optimistic about future relationships, romantic or otherwise, because there will always be this nagging feeling and stress about whether you risk repeating those mistakes that still gnaw at you to this day. Reconciliation is a great stress reliever, a salve to the soul. It doesn't necessarily mean convincing someone about who's right and who's wrong, because that may never happen. Rather, it is coming to an understanding about where each person is now, given what happened before and the irreversible decisions that followed.
Now, if this is your situation, I can tell you right away that this is a process and it isn't going to happen overnight. Given where everyone is at, reconciliation may not even be possible at this time (which is why I said "if possible" above). The issues may be years away from being resolved, but the goal shouldn't be completely thrown out the window. The timing has to be right and that involves maturing and growth on everyone's part. But little steps pave the way for bigger steps, and somebody has to make the first little step if it is ever going to reach a satisfactory conclusion. That first step may as well come from you. Perhaps you have tried and been rebuffed. Try again later. And if you get rebuffed again, keep trying. If anything, do it for your own peace and for your own benefit so that you can boil away the bitterness and live life as it should be lived.
1/14/2012
Tip #18: Set aside one day for chores
Let's digress a little bit to get boring and practical. When you are on your own, the mundane activities of life become even more burdensome. You might live with roommates that help with common house duties, but there are still a lot of things you have to do alone. Whether it's going grocery shopping, cleaning the living room, doing laundry, or whatever, the drudgery is magnified all the more when there isn't someone to share the burden.
There's no way to get around these dull tasks. Sometimes you can hire people to do it, or use technology to make it go faster, but they still have to get done and they eat into time that you'd rather spend doing more interesting stuff. So, get chores out of the way as efficiently as you can. There are some, like washing dishes or taking out the trash, which must be done daily or every couple of days. For the others, if possible, set aside one day a week to do all of it. Do as much as you can in that day, and then do the rest the next week. If you think about it, many things can wait a week, and if they can't, do them first on chore day. And when I say "next week" I mean "next week", not two weeks later or three weeks later or when you feel like it. Procrastinating doesn't make it go away; it just puts you under more stress because you start to believe it will never get done (and sometimes it doesn't).
Managing time is a discipline that every single person must learn, because it doesn't get a whole lot better after you're not single. You may have someone to help with some of the dry stuff, but relationships require their own time to nurture and develop. They also require balance, which means you're sometimes going to be the one doing chores for the other person too, and those chores are often doubled. Get into the habit of managing those tasks while you're still held to only a single schedule and it will become easier to transfer those habits over when you have multiple schedules to reconcile.
There's no way to get around these dull tasks. Sometimes you can hire people to do it, or use technology to make it go faster, but they still have to get done and they eat into time that you'd rather spend doing more interesting stuff. So, get chores out of the way as efficiently as you can. There are some, like washing dishes or taking out the trash, which must be done daily or every couple of days. For the others, if possible, set aside one day a week to do all of it. Do as much as you can in that day, and then do the rest the next week. If you think about it, many things can wait a week, and if they can't, do them first on chore day. And when I say "next week" I mean "next week", not two weeks later or three weeks later or when you feel like it. Procrastinating doesn't make it go away; it just puts you under more stress because you start to believe it will never get done (and sometimes it doesn't).
Managing time is a discipline that every single person must learn, because it doesn't get a whole lot better after you're not single. You may have someone to help with some of the dry stuff, but relationships require their own time to nurture and develop. They also require balance, which means you're sometimes going to be the one doing chores for the other person too, and those chores are often doubled. Get into the habit of managing those tasks while you're still held to only a single schedule and it will become easier to transfer those habits over when you have multiple schedules to reconcile.
1/08/2012
Tip #17: Get a pet
It has been almost two months since I wrote a blog entry. Blame the usual holiday busyness and the new addition to my life. No, not THAT kind of addition (otherwise I'd have to shut this blog down), but a significant other nonetheless. That's what this next entry is about: the advantage of getting a pet.
Now, right up front, I want to say that owning a pet — or "adopting" as the more PC term goes — is not for everyone. No matter what kind of pet you have, he or she or they will put a crimp in your lifestyle, particularly as a single person. They demand feeding, cleaning, and playing that will take away from valuable social time. With vet visits and all the supplies you need to buy, they can end up being quite expensive to keep. (Hint for future entrepreneurs: pet stores are a great business to get into.) Pets can misbehave, they smell bad, they require lots of attention, and in return, they don't help you out with anything around the house. Some even have the potential to damage your property or affect your health. If you are not prepared to deal with these issues, do not get a pet. Ever. Don't be swayed by their cuteness. Don't do it simply because you think you will learn responsibility. You'll regret the decision each and every day of their lives and will agonize over what on earth to do with this new thing that is upsetting your life.
But if you are prepared to deal with the multi-year commitment — indeed, if it sounds kind of cool to spend all this time and money taking care of a living being, pets can bring great rewards. They offer entertainment, companionship, and love that is conditional only upon food. They can impose a routine on you which forces you to work normal hours (see previous post) and come home at a regular time. Bottom line: they can teach you to be less selfish which is an attribute that can improve human interaction too. When you live alone or live for yourself all the time, it's hard to get in the habit of thinking about someone else's needs, which is rule #1 for successful relationships. Sure, you can learn these things just by interacting with more people more often, but a pet helps you develop these skills in private, and gives you a chance to fail, without much risk of lasting hurt feelings (they're animals after all). For some people, a pet is exactly what is needed to learn the lesson of looking out for others.
But like I said, it is a major commitment, and won't work for everyone. It has worked for me so far, though, going on a month.
Now, right up front, I want to say that owning a pet — or "adopting" as the more PC term goes — is not for everyone. No matter what kind of pet you have, he or she or they will put a crimp in your lifestyle, particularly as a single person. They demand feeding, cleaning, and playing that will take away from valuable social time. With vet visits and all the supplies you need to buy, they can end up being quite expensive to keep. (Hint for future entrepreneurs: pet stores are a great business to get into.) Pets can misbehave, they smell bad, they require lots of attention, and in return, they don't help you out with anything around the house. Some even have the potential to damage your property or affect your health. If you are not prepared to deal with these issues, do not get a pet. Ever. Don't be swayed by their cuteness. Don't do it simply because you think you will learn responsibility. You'll regret the decision each and every day of their lives and will agonize over what on earth to do with this new thing that is upsetting your life.
But if you are prepared to deal with the multi-year commitment — indeed, if it sounds kind of cool to spend all this time and money taking care of a living being, pets can bring great rewards. They offer entertainment, companionship, and love that is conditional only upon food. They can impose a routine on you which forces you to work normal hours (see previous post) and come home at a regular time. Bottom line: they can teach you to be less selfish which is an attribute that can improve human interaction too. When you live alone or live for yourself all the time, it's hard to get in the habit of thinking about someone else's needs, which is rule #1 for successful relationships. Sure, you can learn these things just by interacting with more people more often, but a pet helps you develop these skills in private, and gives you a chance to fail, without much risk of lasting hurt feelings (they're animals after all). For some people, a pet is exactly what is needed to learn the lesson of looking out for others.
But like I said, it is a major commitment, and won't work for everyone. It has worked for me so far, though, going on a month.
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