My clock radio has had a permanent place at my bedside for almost twenty years. It still works fine even after enduring many hard slaps on its two-inch-long, nine-minute (why is it always nine?) snooze button. But it has one of those really annoying high-pitched alarms, so I set it to turn the radio on instead when I need to get up. The station that wakes me in the morning is a talk radio station because, frankly, I've found that a talking voice is much less jarring to wake up to than Katy Perry. It also happens that the program running on this station when the radio turns on is usually about marriage or parenthood. The parenthood talks I generally ignore, but occasionally I'll lie in bed a little longer to listen to some of the marriage talks. This blog post is about why single adults should listen to marriage programs.
Whaaat?! So, maybe you were able to agree with, if not accept, the suggestions of hanging out with couples, attending weddings, and listening to love songs. But listening to marriage programs? Why the heck would you want to do that? Wouldn't it be more informative and interesting to listen to programs on how to set up a colony on Mars? At least that actually might happen in your lifetime.
Okay, now that we've got the cynicism out of the way, let's take a look at this. What good is it to listen to programs telling you how to have a good marriage when you're far from matrimony? Well, it's like any kind of skill. If I'm going to play a sport, I have to become familiar with it first. I have to understand the rules, taking training, and watch how it is done by professionals (or at least people much better at it than me). Knowledge alone won't enable me to play the sport well, but it provides a foundation that I can lean on and apply once I start playing the sport. Of course, I expect to learn much more as I am playing, and undoubtedly will find out that there are some things that work for others which won't necessarily work for me. Same thing with a career — you don't learn everything you need to in college, but you learn basic skills that can help when you start out, and there are some fundamentals you continue to go back to long after you've settled into your profession. Such as it is with marriage programs. You won't be able to apply the knowledge immediately, but at least it will be there to call upon if and when your situation changes and should not be dismissed out of hand.
Now, to address a common objection, I'll admit that it does seem to be a trait of many marriage programs to have an affiliation with a particular religion. That never really bothered me. The way I see it, when it's just you and the radio, nobody is putting any kind of pressure on you to accept any kind of doctrine, and it is possible to pick out the good points irregardless of the faith statement. Even so, I know that some people still get terribly offended by anything that mentions religion, and it isn't something they can overcome. To those, I say keep looking until you find a program that educates listeners on how to maintain a solid relationship (married or not) without the religious part. It will serve the same purpose, arming you with knowledge, preparing you just in case it does happen — maybe while you're on the flight to Mars to start a new colony.
9/01/2011
Tip #13: Listen to love songs (not breakup songs)
One of my favorite singers is Kelly Clarkson. I've followed her musical career from the day she took the American Idol Season One crown. I own all of her albums (including the stinker) and even attended one of her concerts. Her genre is somewhere between bluesy pop and hard rock. She has written lots of different songs, but what she's best known for are angry breakup songs where she rips some poor guy to shreds for breaking her heart after she fell hard and fast for him and trusted him with all her love. Or sometimes she dumped him because he cheated on her, is too immature, doesn't understand her, threatens her sanity/emotional health, or because the relationship is so darn perfect that she feels the need to end it before she screws him up. (Oh, Kelly, dahling, what a delicious time a psychiatrist would have with y'all.)
When you're in the midst of a very long spell of singleness, it can be very tempting to listen to breakup songs on an infinite loop, particularly if the last relationship you had ended in utter disaster (and not a beautiful disaster either). Perhaps it's because the vitriol emanating out of those lyrics feed our desire to justify why we are single. It's like those songs are telling us "See, I was right. Being in love sucks. All it does is end in heartbreak. Guys/girls are cruel. They only want what's good for them, not me. I'm so glad I don't have a crappy relationship like that. Yeah! Uh-huh! That's right! Sing it, girl!!"
I'll admit, some of the breakup music you hear on the radio is pretty good: catchy tune, poetic words, and raw emotion. The only problem is it doesn't help you come to peace with your single life; it just adds to the bitterness. Yes, right after a split, you may need to go through some of those feelings just to get them out of your system, but before long, you're going to want to start looking for hope again. That is, unless you really are sworn to staying single the rest of your life, which usually isn't the case even though you may say it at the time. Assuming you do want to get back in the ring, though, it's important to clear your mind of negative thoughts towards relationships. So, instead of listening to songs that lament bad decisions, listen to songs that laud good feelings. In other words, listen to love songs, not breakup songs.
I can see you rolling your eyes. "Oh, come on!" you protest. "Those songs are so mushy and stupid! Nobody can be that much in love!" You're absolutely right. After all, these musicians are ultimately trying to generate millions of dollars in album sales and mp3 downloads so they can, you know, "feed their families." Their songs talk about the fantasy of love, not the reality. But they're not supposed to talk about reality. It's art. Art may imitate life but it doesn't duplicate life. The artistic goal of music is to stir emotion, and that's what this whole exercise is about — finding those emotions that make you want to believe in love.
An argument could be made that love doesn't really exist and that it is all just a bunch of chemical reactions, but then again, all emotion could be classified as chemical reactions, including negative emotions. You can choose to either feed the negative or feed the positive. Feeding the positive is generally more healthy. I'm not saying you have to swoon or cry or fashion some imaginary world where you are 24/7 with the love of your life. No, don't do that, because you'll quickly become disappointed. But maintain a positive outlook on the future. Don't give into the nastiness. Listen to love songs.
And play your music loud if you can do it without being inconsiderate (see blog post on that). Enjoy that freedom while you can, before you're living with someone else that might complain about keeping the volume down.
When you're in the midst of a very long spell of singleness, it can be very tempting to listen to breakup songs on an infinite loop, particularly if the last relationship you had ended in utter disaster (and not a beautiful disaster either). Perhaps it's because the vitriol emanating out of those lyrics feed our desire to justify why we are single. It's like those songs are telling us "See, I was right. Being in love sucks. All it does is end in heartbreak. Guys/girls are cruel. They only want what's good for them, not me. I'm so glad I don't have a crappy relationship like that. Yeah! Uh-huh! That's right! Sing it, girl!!"
I'll admit, some of the breakup music you hear on the radio is pretty good: catchy tune, poetic words, and raw emotion. The only problem is it doesn't help you come to peace with your single life; it just adds to the bitterness. Yes, right after a split, you may need to go through some of those feelings just to get them out of your system, but before long, you're going to want to start looking for hope again. That is, unless you really are sworn to staying single the rest of your life, which usually isn't the case even though you may say it at the time. Assuming you do want to get back in the ring, though, it's important to clear your mind of negative thoughts towards relationships. So, instead of listening to songs that lament bad decisions, listen to songs that laud good feelings. In other words, listen to love songs, not breakup songs.
I can see you rolling your eyes. "Oh, come on!" you protest. "Those songs are so mushy and stupid! Nobody can be that much in love!" You're absolutely right. After all, these musicians are ultimately trying to generate millions of dollars in album sales and mp3 downloads so they can, you know, "feed their families." Their songs talk about the fantasy of love, not the reality. But they're not supposed to talk about reality. It's art. Art may imitate life but it doesn't duplicate life. The artistic goal of music is to stir emotion, and that's what this whole exercise is about — finding those emotions that make you want to believe in love.
An argument could be made that love doesn't really exist and that it is all just a bunch of chemical reactions, but then again, all emotion could be classified as chemical reactions, including negative emotions. You can choose to either feed the negative or feed the positive. Feeding the positive is generally more healthy. I'm not saying you have to swoon or cry or fashion some imaginary world where you are 24/7 with the love of your life. No, don't do that, because you'll quickly become disappointed. But maintain a positive outlook on the future. Don't give into the nastiness. Listen to love songs.
And play your music loud if you can do it without being inconsiderate (see blog post on that). Enjoy that freedom while you can, before you're living with someone else that might complain about keeping the volume down.
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