Taking a page from Cee Lo Green here, because I would prefer to use a much strong F-word in that title.
Somehow, somewhere, somebody said that there were certain rights and wrongs around dating, and some other people picked up on that and started writing their own rule books on how to date. And then pieces of those made-up rule books got out into the internet-o-sphere in the form of dating articles, lists of dos and don'ts, and common gossip spread among a wide population of singles in the forms of tweets, posts, pins, and memes. It was spread so much, it started to take on the disguise of truth.
To all that, I lift my big middle finger.
Let's set the record straight: THERE ARE NO RULES!! There is no right or wrong way of getting to know somebody in a more intimate fashion. No stupid rules of thumb like "kiss on the third date" or "say these words and phrases to maintain attraction" or "this is the right time to spend an evening at somebody's house" or any number of ridiculous formulas for moving romance in the right direction. Burdening yourself with such inane checklists is a surefire way of draining out any chance of romance.
Why? Because you're stuck in your head the whole time, that's why. Feelings don't come from the brain, they come from the heart, and for that reason, if you do any thinking at all, you should be thinking from the heart. Don't be always second-guessing yourself and analyzing whether you are doing the dance "properly" or not. Forget the rules!! They don't exist! I know this can be very hard for those who are more cerebral and introspective and analytical by nature, and if you are one of those people, you certainly have your work cut out for you. But believe me, you'll be better off throwing away the calculator and focusing on how you feel, not what's correct or incorrect.
Now, don't get me wrong: when I say think from your heart, I'm not saying you should throw all common sense to the wind. If the person's behavior is unacceptable and against your better judgment, pay attention to the cautious voice of reason within you. If things turn sexual, take logical precautions. That goes without saying. But when it comes to understanding how you and the other person are progressing in your relationship, don't measure it against fictional yardsticks and mile markers. Keep your hopes high and your expectations low. Feel your way through it like a tunnel in the dark and enjoy each moment as it comes. F*** the rules! (There, I said it).
11/02/2015
7/22/2015
Tip #31: Date strategically
Anyone who has read dating advice articles has probably seen the pearl of wisdom that you should observe your date in a variety of settings to ascertain different facets of their personality. While that is true, that is a rather broad generalization of what goes on during the preparation phase. Your role is not to be a sociologist that observes the behaviors of the subject under conditions of dark and light, in hot weather and cold, in a restaurant or a stadium, or on weekends and weeknights. "Dating in a variety of settings" is more than simply varying the venue, time, or activity. What it really means is to strategically find variances that will give you information of how this person will fit into your regular life.
A person will mostly act the same in any kind of a restaurant, in any kind of a theater, or in any kind of a large arena. But those kinds of dates will provide precious little information for what it will be like to spend multiple days a week with that person, unless eating out, watching entertainment, or cheering on a sports team is an enormous part of your life (to which I'd say, try to find more of a life). Those situations are almost always contrived for the purpose of getting to know only a little bit more about a stranger in an easily severable environment. That's okay for the anticipation phase, but once you are in the preparation phase, those arms-length meetings have no place any more. During the preparation phase, dates should be about finding deeper compatibility with the things that each of you value most — things that mean enough for you to devote considerable time to. For instance, if you have a passion for helping the needy, bring your date to a soup kitchen. If you like educating children, have them join you at library reading hour. If you make it a point to friend the elderly, invite them along when you visit seniors (and be prepared to light-heartedly laugh off any kind of insinuation). If you are about helping the environment, ask them go along with you on a litter pickup patrol. You get the idea.
Asking your date to share in the things that are near and dear to your heart is a two-way benefit. On one hand, it will give your date insight into the kind of person you really are, below the facade, and will create more trust about your genuineness. On the other, it will give you insight into the person your date really is, and will provide buckets of data on how well the person would fit into the parts of your life that mean the most to you, which is of utmost importance when determining if there is truly "something" there. This is the time to move beyond just "chemistry" and look for a deeper connection on an emotional level. Set the context for what normal life would include if things go further. It may get a little bit uncomfortable as the person starts to encroach upon your private life, but those are the things that should be acknowledged before you make too big of an investment emotionally.
A person will mostly act the same in any kind of a restaurant, in any kind of a theater, or in any kind of a large arena. But those kinds of dates will provide precious little information for what it will be like to spend multiple days a week with that person, unless eating out, watching entertainment, or cheering on a sports team is an enormous part of your life (to which I'd say, try to find more of a life). Those situations are almost always contrived for the purpose of getting to know only a little bit more about a stranger in an easily severable environment. That's okay for the anticipation phase, but once you are in the preparation phase, those arms-length meetings have no place any more. During the preparation phase, dates should be about finding deeper compatibility with the things that each of you value most — things that mean enough for you to devote considerable time to. For instance, if you have a passion for helping the needy, bring your date to a soup kitchen. If you like educating children, have them join you at library reading hour. If you make it a point to friend the elderly, invite them along when you visit seniors (and be prepared to light-heartedly laugh off any kind of insinuation). If you are about helping the environment, ask them go along with you on a litter pickup patrol. You get the idea.
Asking your date to share in the things that are near and dear to your heart is a two-way benefit. On one hand, it will give your date insight into the kind of person you really are, below the facade, and will create more trust about your genuineness. On the other, it will give you insight into the person your date really is, and will provide buckets of data on how well the person would fit into the parts of your life that mean the most to you, which is of utmost importance when determining if there is truly "something" there. This is the time to move beyond just "chemistry" and look for a deeper connection on an emotional level. Set the context for what normal life would include if things go further. It may get a little bit uncomfortable as the person starts to encroach upon your private life, but those are the things that should be acknowledged before you make too big of an investment emotionally.
6/11/2015
Final preparations
My last five posts were on the anticipation phase of transitioning out of the single life that lasts forever into the life of no-longer-single, the point right after you decide to become serious about finding a somebody, taking an active approach as opposed to the passive approach you may have been taking previously. It is a fun time of exploring new things you haven't done, going out and meeting new people, figuring out exactly what you want in a partner and who might fit that picture. This anticipation phase will not last as long as the prior phase when you were just waiting for something to happen, but it can still take quite a bit of time. It may take several months, even a few years. That's okay; it is good to be selective so long as you keep the end goal in mind.
But what happens when you eventually do find that good relationship candidate? What happens when you really start to hone in on a particular person, and that person appears to be honing in on you? Do you just jump from anticipation to "together" in the blink of an eye? Some couples would say yes, that's exactly what happened to them.
They're lying, of course.
Okay, maybe "lying" is too strong of a word. That may be how they remember it, but you can be sure that isn't how it went down. It might seem to them like the anticipation part came to sudden close, but what really happened is that anticipation just morphed into another phase before the deal was finally sealed. I call this next phase the preparation phase because you are preparing yourself to leave the comfortable "me" life for the unfamiliar "us" life. The preparation is the brief period of time where a decision is made, on both sides, whether or not the "something" is really something or about to become a something. And I say "brief" because this period of time is indeed brief; so brief that it commonly gets confused and even merged with anticipation. But it is definitely a separate phase even if you may not recognize it at first.
By its very definition, this preparation phase has to be brief. Even if you are the kind of person that likes to take your time to think about big decisions, there is no escaping the ticking clock during the preparation. You can choose to act or to wait. However, simply waiting is still a decision of inaction, and that decision will have its own ultimate consequence — whether or not you intended it — because if you wait too long and do nothing, any shred of opportunity for the something to become something will cool down and become the nothing you made it by doing nothing. That may sound harsh or have the bad taste of a high-pressure sales pitch, but unfortunately, it's the nature of the beast and you can't change the truth just because you don't like it — well, you can, but you're only hurting yourself if you do. Denial and indecision won't get you to the place where you want to be, which is (I presume) the place of no-longer-single.
The preparation phase is the phase where there is the highest risk of emotional pain outside of a real relationship. It's where you will be most vulnerable, because you'll be forced to peek out from behind your wall and say "I think I know the direction this is heading, and yes, it is my strong desire for this to go in that direction. Is it your desire too?" Scary stuff, right? No wonder singles like to put it off and why couples tend to gloss over or ignore it when recounting the story of how they fell in love. It feels good when you get past it, but while you're in the midst it, the anxiety can become unbearable, which gives added incentive to power through it as quickly as possible.
But going through it quickly does not mean you throw caution to the wind. Indeed, though the preparation is brief, there are still some important principles to follow as you go through this very difficult transition. My next few blog entries will touch on some of those principles.
But what happens when you eventually do find that good relationship candidate? What happens when you really start to hone in on a particular person, and that person appears to be honing in on you? Do you just jump from anticipation to "together" in the blink of an eye? Some couples would say yes, that's exactly what happened to them.
They're lying, of course.
Okay, maybe "lying" is too strong of a word. That may be how they remember it, but you can be sure that isn't how it went down. It might seem to them like the anticipation part came to sudden close, but what really happened is that anticipation just morphed into another phase before the deal was finally sealed. I call this next phase the preparation phase because you are preparing yourself to leave the comfortable "me" life for the unfamiliar "us" life. The preparation is the brief period of time where a decision is made, on both sides, whether or not the "something" is really something or about to become a something. And I say "brief" because this period of time is indeed brief; so brief that it commonly gets confused and even merged with anticipation. But it is definitely a separate phase even if you may not recognize it at first.
By its very definition, this preparation phase has to be brief. Even if you are the kind of person that likes to take your time to think about big decisions, there is no escaping the ticking clock during the preparation. You can choose to act or to wait. However, simply waiting is still a decision of inaction, and that decision will have its own ultimate consequence — whether or not you intended it — because if you wait too long and do nothing, any shred of opportunity for the something to become something will cool down and become the nothing you made it by doing nothing. That may sound harsh or have the bad taste of a high-pressure sales pitch, but unfortunately, it's the nature of the beast and you can't change the truth just because you don't like it — well, you can, but you're only hurting yourself if you do. Denial and indecision won't get you to the place where you want to be, which is (I presume) the place of no-longer-single.
The preparation phase is the phase where there is the highest risk of emotional pain outside of a real relationship. It's where you will be most vulnerable, because you'll be forced to peek out from behind your wall and say "I think I know the direction this is heading, and yes, it is my strong desire for this to go in that direction. Is it your desire too?" Scary stuff, right? No wonder singles like to put it off and why couples tend to gloss over or ignore it when recounting the story of how they fell in love. It feels good when you get past it, but while you're in the midst it, the anxiety can become unbearable, which gives added incentive to power through it as quickly as possible.
But going through it quickly does not mean you throw caution to the wind. Indeed, though the preparation is brief, there are still some important principles to follow as you go through this very difficult transition. My next few blog entries will touch on some of those principles.
4/23/2015
Tip #30: Stare down your fears
We've spent the last four blog entries talking about anticipation. That is, you've started becoming serious about seeking a relationship, and now you're in the middle of the process of finding a person you want to have a relationship with. So, now what happens when you narrow down your choices to one? You get along really well, you are happy spending time in each other's company, you go on a few wonderful dates, and now you sense that you both want things to go to up a level. What's next?
Well, the answer is obvious, right?
YOU FREAK OUT!!
Yep. That emotion we all hate comes bursting out. You've been controlling it up until now, but it has finally bubbled to the surface. You become...afraid.
Very afraid.
And why is that? Isn't this what you have been looking for? Isn't this why you decided to go from being passive to being active in seeking out a relationship? Of course! So where is this fear coming from?
Is it fear of failure? That once you notch it up, the rejection will hit you like a ton of bricks?
Is it fear of success? That once you actually dive in, you won't live up to your own expectations?
Maybe it's a little of both.
Let's face it: change is scary. Always has been; always will be. And when you approach that moment in life when you are getting ready to shed the exploratory phase of singleness, you will be confronted with a big change. You will be standing at the threshold of the comfortable and the unknown, and you will start to look deep within and ask yourself if are you really ready for this kind of transition. Before, it was just a dream, but now, it is becoming a reality with real actions, real feelings, and real consequences. This is the point at which you will question how serious you really are.
The pressure mounts exponentially right here, and this is often the place where chronically single men and women get stuck. It is too much to bear, and the easiest thing to do is to retreat back into the comfort of non-commitment. It's the primal instinct of fight or flight, and fear is what drives many to flight instead of fighting through the doubts and the uncertainty and moving forward into the state of unloneliness that they inwardly desire.
Don't be one of those people. Think about what you really want, and overcome your fears by staring them in the face and saying that this is something you want badly enough that you are willing to deal with the risks. Look in the mirror, give yourself a pep talk, write your pledge down, and follow through by taking that one tenuous step across the boundary line.
(Sneak preview: My next few blog entries will be about that period where you're straddling the line with one foot in and one foot out, and how to get the second foot over the line to join the first.)
Well, the answer is obvious, right?
YOU FREAK OUT!!
Yep. That emotion we all hate comes bursting out. You've been controlling it up until now, but it has finally bubbled to the surface. You become...afraid.
Very afraid.
And why is that? Isn't this what you have been looking for? Isn't this why you decided to go from being passive to being active in seeking out a relationship? Of course! So where is this fear coming from?
Is it fear of failure? That once you notch it up, the rejection will hit you like a ton of bricks?
Is it fear of success? That once you actually dive in, you won't live up to your own expectations?
Maybe it's a little of both.
Let's face it: change is scary. Always has been; always will be. And when you approach that moment in life when you are getting ready to shed the exploratory phase of singleness, you will be confronted with a big change. You will be standing at the threshold of the comfortable and the unknown, and you will start to look deep within and ask yourself if are you really ready for this kind of transition. Before, it was just a dream, but now, it is becoming a reality with real actions, real feelings, and real consequences. This is the point at which you will question how serious you really are.
The pressure mounts exponentially right here, and this is often the place where chronically single men and women get stuck. It is too much to bear, and the easiest thing to do is to retreat back into the comfort of non-commitment. It's the primal instinct of fight or flight, and fear is what drives many to flight instead of fighting through the doubts and the uncertainty and moving forward into the state of unloneliness that they inwardly desire.
Don't be one of those people. Think about what you really want, and overcome your fears by staring them in the face and saying that this is something you want badly enough that you are willing to deal with the risks. Look in the mirror, give yourself a pep talk, write your pledge down, and follow through by taking that one tenuous step across the boundary line.
(Sneak preview: My next few blog entries will be about that period where you're straddling the line with one foot in and one foot out, and how to get the second foot over the line to join the first.)
3/04/2015
Tip #29: Keep your options open
This is the fourth entry in a mini-series on the anticipation
phase of singleness — the time between when you make the mental decision
to get serious about finding somebody, and the time when you choose who
you want to start going out with. Anticipation, flirting, going on a few dates, is all about exploring what your options are. Once you make a relationship a serious goal, you will soon find that there are indeed a lot of options, and the more you put yourself out in the world among singles, the faster you will go from the point of no options to the point of too many options. Some options you will know to dispense with early on, but several others will actually stick, and you will end up with the good problem of picking among multiple options. So, how do you know which one is the right one? Like a message I saw in a fortune cookie once — sometimes the best choice is to choose all options.
Now, again, we're talking about the phase before you actually start dating somebody officially. Once you are already in a committed relationship, keeping your options open is no longer an option (unless you're bucking for a breakup, but that's not what we're discussing here). It is quite common to experience a cycle of meeting somebody, getting along, getting attached, and then falling apart. The way you cope with it is to have choices. Choices also keep you from getting too deep too quick, which can worsen problems or create new ones.
Let me elaborate a bit on this point, because right off the bat, it might sound like a terrible idea. As a single person, you never want to be classified as just an "option." The tendency is to think that if somebody sees you as simply an option, then you should help them make their choice easier by eliminating yourself from contention. I even saw somebody post a statement to that effect on one of those fake Facebook groups with a long name which exist simply to unify a community around an idea. The irony, however, behind that position is that eliminating yourself as an option can only be a strong option when you already have many other options of your own.
Let's face it: it's very rare that the emotional floodgates burst the first time two people meet each other. More commonly, there is an element of time and patience as they get to know each other in more casual, safe ways before stretching into the romantic realm. Attitudes can and frequently do change during that time of...anticipation. It can be a change either towards or away from each other, and which person will change which way is a guessing game based on many factors, some of which you have absolutely no control over. Having other options at the ready makes it far easier to adjust and adapt if things don't develop the way you might have liked or expected with one particular person. The truth is, numbers will almost always play a role in determining who you meet. Putting all your eggs in one basket is unsound investment advice, and it is unsound relationship-seeking advice too.
So, don't be so quick to cling on to the first prospect you see. Expand your network, diversify your relationship portfolio, continue to make new connections, and think broadly. During the anticipation phase, I'd say that is certainly the case, until you find that one particular person which eliminates the need to have any other choice.
Now, again, we're talking about the phase before you actually start dating somebody officially. Once you are already in a committed relationship, keeping your options open is no longer an option (unless you're bucking for a breakup, but that's not what we're discussing here). It is quite common to experience a cycle of meeting somebody, getting along, getting attached, and then falling apart. The way you cope with it is to have choices. Choices also keep you from getting too deep too quick, which can worsen problems or create new ones.
Let me elaborate a bit on this point, because right off the bat, it might sound like a terrible idea. As a single person, you never want to be classified as just an "option." The tendency is to think that if somebody sees you as simply an option, then you should help them make their choice easier by eliminating yourself from contention. I even saw somebody post a statement to that effect on one of those fake Facebook groups with a long name which exist simply to unify a community around an idea. The irony, however, behind that position is that eliminating yourself as an option can only be a strong option when you already have many other options of your own.
Let's face it: it's very rare that the emotional floodgates burst the first time two people meet each other. More commonly, there is an element of time and patience as they get to know each other in more casual, safe ways before stretching into the romantic realm. Attitudes can and frequently do change during that time of...anticipation. It can be a change either towards or away from each other, and which person will change which way is a guessing game based on many factors, some of which you have absolutely no control over. Having other options at the ready makes it far easier to adjust and adapt if things don't develop the way you might have liked or expected with one particular person. The truth is, numbers will almost always play a role in determining who you meet. Putting all your eggs in one basket is unsound investment advice, and it is unsound relationship-seeking advice too.
So, don't be so quick to cling on to the first prospect you see. Expand your network, diversify your relationship portfolio, continue to make new connections, and think broadly. During the anticipation phase, I'd say that is certainly the case, until you find that one particular person which eliminates the need to have any other choice.
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