Tip #28: Know what (not who) you want

This is the third entry in a mini-series on the anticipation phase of singleness — the time between when you make the mental decision to get serious about finding somebody, and the time when you choose who you want to start going out with. The anticipation phase can also be called the exploration phase, not only because you are exploring what is out there, but also because you are exploring what is within yourself. Before making a serious charge into the dating scene — serious meaning that an actual relationship is your goal — you need to be clear on what you want in a partner.

I say "what" not "who" because it is very easy to get swept away by an intriguing person who is totally unfit for you. That might suffice if you're looking for a bit of short-term fun, but it's not the kind of thing you're going to pin any long-term hopes on. Dating is about finding the right fit for who you are as a person — the private You that only you know. The You that doesn't get displayed to the outside world. Everybody has their public face and their private face. You do, and the people you will meet in the dating world do. Upon meeting them, you don't know exactly what they are looking for, just like they don't know exactly what you are looking for. That's normal and acceptable — after all, that's why you date. But what is not acceptable or advisable is when you don't know exactly what you are looking for. Getting serious means having direction, and having direction means having clear principles about what you're searching for. If you don't have clear principles, if you still fumble and utter confusing generalities when asked "what do you want", then you're just not ready to date seriously, plain and simple.

What are those principles? They are the things that agree with the inner You: your values, your life goals, your energy level, your personality traits, your maturity, your intelligence, and your overall psychological and emotional profile. Physical attraction is nice. Common interests and hobbies are nice. But those are merely an entry point, an introduction to start getting to know someone more. Once you get past that — and you'll get past it pretty quickly — there comes a decision of whether it's worth taking things further than "nice getting to know you." But how can you make that decision unless you are clear about what you are seeking? 

Having that clarity will help you look beyond physical attraction and fun conversation, and will set the appropriate standard for exactly the kind of partner you are seeking. It is the yardstick by which you should measure all of your interactions with potential mates. The earlier you make the determination, the better it will be for all involved, before any significant amount of time and effort have been invested.